the best of me

Don't Date a Woman who Blogs, Kerry Wheeles

2011-06-21T23:25:00.002-05:00

For she will essay her pain
In solitude...

She will cry reticently,
But until the firmament hears her...
The paper she writes on will soak,
The ink will blot like Rorschach ...

She will see your image there...
an image that she thought had told her the truth...
She had failed to see the opposite side...the one that mirrored deception
and devoured her trust, ignored her kindness, and took
advantage of her emotions.

Her words will not wound you...
because, in the first place...

You never cared.

Flower Power - A Collection of Photos to Welcome Spring of 2011

2011-04-20T14:30:00.000-05:00

My friend Rhodora and I have weekly trips to cupcake stores, restaurants, botanical gardens, tea houses, etc. I guess when one reaches this age, there is a natural need to compensate yourself for the hard work that you've put in over the past few days...or simply to enrich what you already have in your bank of experiences, and have a first hand connection with anything that appeals the senses.

So over the past couple of weeks, she and I have thought about going to see the cherry blossoms in the country's capital, but it never happened due to schedule conflicts. But here in Virginia Beach, we found this quaint Japanese garden at the Red Wing Park and saw a row of beautiful cherry blossoms amidst a 50 degree weather. They were absolutely gorgeous, so despite the threat of allergies, we stayed for a little bit and took pictures.

I am not a professional photographer, but I have the leanings to become one. I have a decent Cybershot DSC-H20 point and shoot which does all the photography tricks my imagination can create, and of course, my partnership with Picnik makes my pictures look uberly dramatic, if not, stunning.

Yesterday, we visited the Lewis Ginter Botanical Garden in Richmond, VA and took photos of their beautiful blooms.

Although we were expecting quite a few more flowers (the rose garden has no flowers yet), I was quite pleased just chillin' with Rhodora and driving for a couple of hours out to Richmond.

This weekend, I'm going to visit Jmom in Durham, NC and will request that we see the Sarah P. Duke Gardens. My Cybershot and I will be very busy, that's for sure :)

We Saw Our Worlds Through Different Spectacles

2011-03-12T11:38:00.011-05:00

"Hindsight is always 20/20..." That's what the priest had said.

Looking back, I take stock of things and ask myself about pain...

Now everything is crystal clear...
Pain is what I brought upon myself because I had a choice.

I chose to continue seeing you despite knowing the truth.

I chose to love you and tried to love you as a friend...but the heart can't be taught.

You made me feel special because that's what you thought was appropriate.

No...it would have been better if we just acted upon our instincts and did not share endearing moments.

Afterall, we're biological beings...

But we're also feeling beings...

When you had put your hand in mine, you called it touch...

When you rubbed my hand with your fingers, I call it comfort.

When you knelt in front of me to remove my shoes, you called it duty.

When you did it in purpose, time and again, I call that gallantry.

When you cooked dinners and shared recipes, you thought that was friendship...

When you reached over to put food in my mouth, I felt it more like bliss.

When you had let me sit beside you to watch a movie, you called that entertainment...

When you pulled me down to lay my head on your thighs, rubbed my arms with your fingers, shouldn't I call that affable kindness?

When we were alone and intimate, you called that a "need".

When you had put your arms around me, and nuzzled on my neck, there was overpowering warmth.

When you asked to be picked up, you said it was a returned favor...
Oh I was so happy to oblige...didn't think you can be vulnerable.

Comfort...Gallantry...Bliss...Kindness...Warmth...Vulnerability...

This list can go on as we saw our worlds through different spectacles.

Too bad...you didn't see with your heart, Kerry W.

Until one of us goes blind and decides to depend on what the other sees, I surmise that I shall never see you again, my friend. My tears aren't enough to drown this truth in my consciousness. It's a quiet chaos that pinches my heart each time a memory flashes before me. I beg you...eleven months is not easy to erase. I move on with uncertainty, pushing this feeling aside, as if I can contain it.

We saw each other's world through different spectacles. We'll never see eye to eye.
The feeling is raw...it's real...it's about to succumb.

Let it not resurface.

What are you most looking forward to right now?

2011-03-06T07:58:00.001-05:00

to get over with this emotional turmoil and be able to completely move on with my life

Ask me anything

Merry Christmas Blogkada!

2010-12-24T07:23:00.000-05:00

This free digital greeting card personalized with Smilebox

If you could go on a road trip with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?

2010-10-28T19:32:00.001-05:00

It would be K, no doubt about it. Anywhere should be fun, but I would like to go to Lake Tahoe :)

Ask me anything

If you won a $1,000 shopping spree for any store, which store would you pick?

2010-10-28T19:28:00.001-05:00

Nowadays, a thousand dollars isn't really that much. But given the choice, I'd pick Pier 1 :)

Ask me anything

If you had access to a time machine, where and when would be the first place you travel to?

2010-10-28T19:23:00.001-05:00

I would like to be teleported 10 years from now. I think the place is immaterial...it all depends on what I will become...successful or not.

Ask me anything

What music are you listening to today?

2010-10-28T19:20:00.001-05:00

Vitamin String Quartet's Don't Stop Believin'....and some country music (don't ask me why).

Ask me anything

What/Who makes you smile these days?

2010-10-26T19:04:00.001-05:00

Friends like you, Doc :) For the record, you always make me smile. And sometimes, students who come back just to say that they wish their teacher was good like me :) Isn't that sweet?

Ask me anything

Apple Crisp a la Shelby

2010-10-24T15:54:00.002-05:00

Shelby is my department chair and on Tuesday, she posted on her FB profile that she just made an apple crisp out of her mom's original recipe. I teased her about bringing some to school for me, and although it was just a joke, lo and behold...she got me a little plastic container with a tiny piece of heaven in it :) I told her how much I love apple pies and anything baked with apples. During my first trimester with Jacinth, I craved anything that is baked apple (from Sugarhouse to McDonald's), and that's all the sweet stuff I could literally handle as I hated anything sweet (it left a bitter aftertaste at that time). You know how pregnant women can get weird. But I digress.

So after savoring my scrumptious desert, I asked her for the ingredients and how to bake it. I had the chance to use Lissette's beautiful kitchen and so I was inspired to make some glorious treat for me, and for some people I love :)

Here are the ingredients:

6-7 pieces of apple, peeled, cored and sliced into wedges
(You may want to soak the apples in water to prevent it from getting brown)
1 cup of flour
1 1/2 cup of sugar
3/4 tsp of salt
1 raw egg, unbeaten
1/3 cup of melted and cooled butter for drizzling
1 tbsp of melted butter for buttering the pan
cinnamon powder
2 8"x8" pans

1) Pre-heat the oven to 325 degrees.

2) Butter the pan and lay all the apple pieces on it. Drizzle the apples with 1/3 cup of the cooled, melted butter.

3) In a large bowl, combine the flour, sugar, salt and the egg. Use a fork to mix it until it gets crumbly.

4. Pour the batter on top of the apples and sprinkle with cinnamon.

5. Bake for 40-45 mins., or until you see the top turning crisp and bubbly.

I have learned when I was younger to soak apples (or potatoes) in water so they won't turn brown. And so I did. However, I think due to excitement, I didn't drain it too well that this yummy apple crisp turned out to be a tad watery. So for those of you who will be trying this out, make sure that you drain the apples very well. Use paper towels, if you must.

As it turned out, it still tasted great! My friends loved it :)

May I ask you...

2010-08-31T17:40:00.002-05:00

Four weeks went by after the last time we were together. It had been a month since you said I should move on since you can't give me what you perceive to be what I am looking for. Good intentions...real and passionate desire...strong thighs...creative imagination...the master of his own food lab...impeccable sense of humor...that's what I'm looking for. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but that's what it is. Did you think the same way?

I couldn't help it. A part of me says I shouldn't be communicating anymore, but a bigger part misses the late night talks, the goofing off, the thumb rubbing on my skin, the facial hair that causes my toes to curl up. It's unbearably excruciating not to be able to experience these things again...

I was glad we finally got a chance on Sunday night. I wore my sunglasses so I can hide the expression in my eyes. I tried to look not too excited as my heart was racing. My chest thumped wildly like a host of percussion beating out of rhythm. It was temporary insanity, and I caved in as you reached out to hold me. Then we kissed...I threw caution to the wind, couldn't care less if the world ended at that moment...

I didn't know...I never knew how it felt...

When writers try to essay the feeling of unfettered and blissful passion, I thought it was purely rhetorical, bordering on madness. I said to myself, can it be this mundane? But now, I get it...this weak-in-the-knees feeling...it was like some stellar phenomenon that had taken me off guard...I don't know why it had to happen, not when we have said goodbye...

I know this is not right to ask, but I need to be bold enough to ask you this nagging question...

Did you feel the same way too?

You don't have to answer that...but I'm content at letting you know.

I don't know what it is that you've done to me...
but it's caused me to act in such a crazy way.
Whatever it is that you do when you do what you're doing...
it's a feeling I don't understand

'Cause my heart starts beating triple time,
with thoughts of loving you on my mind.
I can't figure out just what to do,
when the cause and cure is you.

I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak.
I lose all control and something takes over me.
In a daze you look so amazing,
it's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
by my side, I swallow my pride
your love is so sweet.
It knocks me right off of my feet....
I can't explain why your loving makes me weak.

Time after time after time I've tried to fight it.
But your love is strong it keeps on holding on.
Resistance is down when you're around, prides fading.
In my condition I don't want to be alone.

'Cause my heart starts beating triple time,
with thoughts of loving you on my mind.
I can't figure out just what to do,
when the cause and cure is you.

I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak.
I lose all control and something takes over me.
In a daze you look so amazing,
it's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
by my side, I swallow my pride
your love is so sweet.
It knocks me right off of my feet....
I can't explain why your loving makes me weak.

I try hard to fight it.
No way can I deny it.
Your love's so sweet.
knocks me off my feet.

I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak.
I lose all control and something takes over me.
In a daze you look so amazing,
it's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
by my side, I swallow my pride
your love is so sweet.
It knocks me right off of my feet....
I can't explain why your loving makes me weak.

I get so weak...
Blood starts racing through my veins
I get so weak...
Boy it's something I can't explain.
I get so weak...
Something 'bout the way you do
the things you do ooh ooh, it...
knocks me right off of my feet,
off of my feet.
Can't explain why your loving makes me weak.

I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak.
I lose all control and something takes over me.
In a daze you look so amazing,
it's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
by my side, I swallow my pride
your love is so sweet.
It knocks me right off of my feet....
I can't explain why your loving makes me weak.

I didn't say I don't like your green shirt...

2010-07-05T08:45:00.014-05:00

That was the third date that I first saw the green Mickey Mouse shirt. I don't mean to be whimsical about it, but I thought it looked good on you. I have a penchant for the extraordinary, and that unusual shade of green, I thought, looked really hot on you.

If only to prove my point, here are the reasons why I (also) like green:

#1 I used to teach at the De La Salle Santiago Zobel School, the home of the Junior Green Archers. Of all the schools in the Philippines where I used to teach, DLSZ is closest to my heart. It is here where I became the educator that I am (I'd like to think that I am good because VB hired me lol). That being said, I have embraced green and white as the colors of my La Sallian spirit.

#2 If I like blue more than green, then I would have aimed to teach at the rival school :) Although the reputation of Ateneo de Manila High School is irrefutably remarkable, at no cost will I have relinquished my post at DLSZ for one at the ADMHS.

#3 Green reminds me of life, of the air we breathe, the beauty of nature...TREES!!! I'm a tree hugger! :)

#4 Green is my daughter's favorite color.

#5 Green is my blog's new color scheme.

and finally,

#6 Green is the color of my first car! I had an '83 Mitsubishi Box-type Lancer.

You see, when I said that I like your green shirt, that wasn't a political statement :) After all, green becomes you (more than yellow)!

Gerard Butler, huh? any specific reason why?

2010-05-04T13:16:00.001-05:00

He's hot and gorgeous, I love his accent, and he's a fine actor :) the beard is so really sexy too lol

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-05-02T05:16:00.001-05:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/joycejimenez35

Sunrise

2010-04-17T15:15:00.003-05:00

I saw a beautiful orange orb this morning as it started to slowly rise above the horizon, the morning lights peeked through the window slats and warmed up my cheeks...i squinted, but the sound of the waves was ever soothing...the cry of the seagulls echoing in fervor...the sights and sounds of nature at Sandbridge is one thing to behold...

I have a feeling it won't happen again...but the thought of it makes my heart sing :)

"And now the night
Will throw its cover down, on me again
Ooh, and if I'm right
It's the only way to bring me back...
to you."

Sway my way...

2010-03-22T20:48:00.008-05:00

it had been days that I couldn't sleep well...tossed and turned, slept for less than three hours each night for three consecutive nights...something was hurting me and i knew I wanted to pour it out...but I couldn't...

i didn't plan to see you that night, but since i was in the area and needed to feed myself, i thought you may want to swing by so you can give me back the iPod. i guess by now you already know how my face contorts with my emotions...very transparent, very expressive. i don't like it because it gives me away...but i couldn't hide the sadness, the disappointment, the smarting deep down.

but hey, you were sensitive and saw all that...so you offered to talk...

it was nice of you to slide over the bean bag... it was nice to lean on something that will absorb all the negative vibes...but i still felt cold...inside and out...maybe it was just the room temperature, or the overwhelming cold brought by sadness...

i went around to go to your side...took your arm so i can lay my head on your strong shoulder, spooned up facing away from you...can't let you see me tearing...
i felt the warm hand slide over to my side...strong and reassuring, warm and comforting...i knew it...i couldn't hold back anymore, I had to let it off my chest.

warm tears started rolling down my cheeks...i sobbed silently...I felt a bit embarassed by that outburst, but i just couldn't help it...

then you slid your hand inside my jacket to warm my back...your palm on my skin felt so good...that hit the spot! and right there, right that very moment, i just had to release all the pent up emotions...i know you'd understand how a human being would need another at times like this...

i looked up to you, wiped my tears with my knuckles...just like a little girl who had lost her toy...with droopy sad eyes, all i can say was, "sorry...now i look ugly..." you smiled back and said..."no, you don't..."

you have a way of making me feel good...thank you...

"...And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart...
it's all because of you"

Black Ice

2010-02-01T23:12:00.011-05:00

A most unusual event...a snow storm hit central Virginia. Two days ago, it rained and snowed incessantly...everyone got snowed in...well, almost everyone.

I thought you were just kidding. The mere idea of braving very dangerous conditions like this made me think that there's no way you could be serious about picking me up...not until two hours later...

You could have made it to NC for having traveled four hours back and forth. For a 20-yr old, braving a snow storm is called folly...but for a 39-yr old, you called it adventure.

I stood by the glass door facing the vast and sparkly whiteness that blanketed grazing land. As I felt your arms wrap around me in a sweet embrace, your towering presence filled me with calming warmth...your face pressed against my hair, my back to your robust chest...for a few minutes there, time stood still...and nothing seem to have mattered except you and me.

I thought it was unusual as this snow storm, for someone to risk driving for four hours through snow and rain. A test of patience and determination to press on...truly impressive...and for what? A prize that only you can understand and appreciate...valued beyond comprehension. But that's just you :)

You know how black ice forms underneath the frozen slush? It's transparent, very slippery and treacherous...just like you. When the sun comes back up, it will melt away, not to be noticed, as if it was never there in the first place...just like you.

Here's a song you should hear...for you, your creative hands, your strong spirit, and your restless mind.

Song For A Winter's Night

The lamp is burning low upon my table top
the snow is softly falling
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling
If I could only have you near to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands
I love on this winter night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
my glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page
the words of love you sent me
If I could know within my heart
that you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
upon this winter night with you

The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
the shades of night are lifting
The morning light steals across my windowpane
where webs of snow are drifting
If I could only have you near
to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
and to be once again with with you
To be once again with with you

*Now Winter Come Slowly

2009-12-17T08:27:00.013-05:00

It was very nippy outside, half wished I didn't change into a green dress, tights and boots. I thought the boots would keep me warm, but the breeze was harsh against my thighs, sending some chills up my back and belly. Was it the cold that sent ripples to my gut, or was it the thought of having you sit right next to me?

I made it back to my SUV, turned on the heat, and headed towards your place...a song kept playing in my head...a sweet melody that tuned in with my mood.

The ride was pretty short, and as I pulled into your driveway, I told myself, good things are never made to last...but that's not for certain...If I turned away from this, I know I'd regret an eternity of not having known the wonder that was set before me.

You left the front door open so I ushered myself in...and there you were at the foyer, beaming with that smile...a little treat that takes me to heaven...and back :)

Guess by now you already know how attached I am to my iPod...the song was "Angel", one of the many Jack Johnson songs I listen to...the song was pretty, so I shared my earphones, drawing you closer...your hands wrapped around my waist, my arms around your strong shoulders...the song created this sweet, sweet rhythm that we swayed slowly to...those deep blue eyes staring back at me...you must have seen the void...

There was warmth in that encounter...fleeting, yet sweet. Now winter come slowly...I don't mind the inevitable cold you bring...meantime, I need to pause and keep this memory.

*Now Winter Come Slowly is a Sting song included in his new album If On A Winter's Night

Right Now

2009-09-02T12:37:00.007-05:00

I must admit, I get this nervous feeling in my stomach each time a school year starts...and I've been doing this every year for the past 12 years. The anticipation heightens, the excitement is building up...so help me God.

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California Dreaming

2009-08-31T13:05:00.003-05:00

Had gone through another one of those worst phases of my existence, but as always, I do not believe in sulking and counting sheep on those numerous sleepless nights (I still have them...need some valerian and hops to get at least 6 hours of shuteye). Instead, I thought it best to reconnect among long lost friends and relatives who live in the west coast. Well, before that, I had a week's stay in Brooklyn at my friends' humble studio, got enough stimuli to get me fired up for my two-month leisurely vacation in sunny California :)

to be continued...with pictures!

How to spot a sociopath

2009-04-23T06:39:00.001-05:00

Extracted from an article by Robert Matthews in the Sunday Telegraph Review, May 4th 1997)

While such personality disorders as psychopathy, paranoia and obsession/compulsion all have strictly defined criteria, psychiatrists are still struggling to decide precisely what constitutes a socialised psychopath.

One of the more obvious characteristics of socialised psychopaths is that they give the impression of talking "at" you. Prof Jeremy Coid describes it as like being regarded as a cardboard cut-out. "Even in a sexual relationship with them, you are still just an object for their personal gratification," he says.

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The following questionnaire is based on research and experiences of socialised psychopaths. For each trait, decide if it applies to the person you suspect may be a socialised psychopath, fully (2 points), partially (1 point) or not at all (0 points).

Do they have problems sustaining stable relationships, personally and in business?

Do they frequently manipulate others to achieve selfish goals, with no consideration of the effects on those manipulated?

Are they cavalier about the truth, and capable of telling lies to your face?

Do they have an air of self-importance, regardless of their true standing in society?

Have they no apparent sense of remorse, shame or guilt?

Is their charm superficial, and capable of being switched on to suit immediate ends?

Are they easily bored and demand constant stimulation?

Are their displays of human emotion unconvincing?

Do they enjoy taking risks, and acting on reckless impulse?

Are they quick to blame others for their mistakes?

As teenagers, did they resent authority, play truant and/or steal?

Do they have no qualms about sponging off others?

Are they quick to lose their temper?

Are they sexually promiscuous?

Do they have a belligerent, bullying manner?

Are they unrealistic about their long-term aims?

Do they lack any ability to empathise with others?

Would you regard them as essentially irresponsible?
A score of 25 or above suggests strong psychopathic tendencies. This does not mean the person is a potential mass-murderer: socialised psychopaths are not mad, nor do they have to resort to violence. Even so, a close professional or emotional relationship with a socialised psychopath is likely to prove a damaging experience.

Inside the Mind of a Sociopath

2009-04-23T06:38:00.000-05:00

This excerpt is from: "The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless vs. the Rest of Us" by Martha Stout Ph.D. (Broadway Books, New York, 2005, ISBN 0-7679-1581-X). Martha Stout is a clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School and elaborates on the tales of ruthlessness in everyday life based on her 25 years of practice as a specialist in the treatment of psychological trauma survivors.

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Imagine - if you can - not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern of the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken. And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools. Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs. Since everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless. You are not held back from any of your desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your cold-bloodedness. The ice water in your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience that they seldom even guess at your condition.

In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs of conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world. You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences, will most likely remain undiscovered.

How will you live your life? What will you do with your huge and secret advantage, and with the corresponding handicap of other people (conscience)? The answer will depend largely on just what your desires happen to be, because people are not all the same. Even the profoundly unscrupulous are not all the same. Some people - whether they have a conscience or not - favor the ease of inertia, while others are filled with dreams and wild ambitions. Some human beings are brilliant and talented, some are dull-witted, and most, conscience or not, are somewhere in between. There are violent people and non-violent ones, individuals who are motivated by blood lust and those who have no such appetites.

Maybe you are someone who craves money and power, and though you have no vestige of conscience, you do have a magnificent IQ. You have the driving nature and the intellectual capacity to pursue tremendous wealth and influence, and you are in no way moved by the nagging voice of conscience that prevents other people from doing everything and anything they have to do to succeed. You choose business, politics, the law, banking or international development, or any of a broad array of other power professions, and you pursue your career with a cold passion that tolerates none of the usual moral or legal encumbrances. When it is expedient, you doctor the accounting and shred the evidence, you stab your employees and your clients (or your constituency) in the back, marry for money, tell lethal premeditated lies to people who trust you, attempt to ruin colleagues who are powerful or eloquent, and simply steamroll over groups who are dependent and voiceless. And all of this you do with the exquisite freedom that results from having no conscience whatsoever.

You become unimaginably, unassailably, and maybe even globally successful. Why not? With your big brain, and no conscience to rein in your schemes, you can do anything at all.

Or no - let us say you are not quite such a person. You are ambitious, yes, and in the name of success you are willing to do all manner of things that people with conscience would never consider, but you are not an intellectually gifted individual. Your intelligence is above average perhaps, and people think of you as smart, maybe even very smart. But you know in your heart of hearts that you do not have the cognitive wherewithal, or the creativity, to reach the careening heights of power you secretly dreams about, and this makes you resentful of the world at large, and envious of the people around you.

As this sort of person, you ensconce yourself in a niche, or maybe a series of niches, in which you can have some amount of control over small numbers of people. These situations satisfy a little of your desire for power, although you are chronically aggravated at not having more. It chafes to be so free of the ridiculous inner voices that inhibit others from achieving great power, without having enough talent to pursue the ultimate successes yourself. Sometimes you fall into sulky, rageful moods caused by a frustration that no one but you understands.

But you do enjoy jobs that afford you a certain undersupervised control over a few individuals or small groups, preferably people and groups who are relatively helpless or in some way vulnerable. You are a teacher or a psychotherapist, a divorce lawyer or a high school coach. Or maybe you are a consultant of some kind, a broker or a gallery owner or a human services director. Or maybe you do not have a paid position and are instead the president of your condominium association, or a volunteer hospital worker, or a parent. Whatever your job, you manipulate and bully the people who are under your thumb, as often and as outrageously as you can without getting fired or held accountable. You do this for its own sake, even when it serves no purpose except to give you a thrill. Making people jump means you have power - or this is the way you see it - and bullying provides you with an adrenaline rush. It is fun.

Maybe you cannot be a CEO of a multinational corporation, but you can frighten a few people, or cause them to scurry around like chickens, or steal from them, or - maybe, best of all - create situations that cause them to feel bad about themselves. And this is power, especially when the people you manipulate are superior to you in some way. Most invigorating of all is to bring down people who are smarter or more accomplished than you, or perhaps classier, more attractive or popular or morally admirable. This is not only good fun; it is existential vengeance. And without a conscience, it is amazingly easy to do. You quietly lie to the boss or to the boss's boss, cry some crocodile tears, or sabotage a coworker's project, or gaslight a patient (or child), bait people with promises, or provide a little misinformation that will never be traced back to you.

Or now let us say you are a person who has a proclivity for violence or for seeing violence done. You simply murder your coworker, or have her murdered - or your boss, or your ex-spouse, or your wealthy lover's spouse, or anyone else who bothers you. You have to be careful, because if you slip up, you may be caught and punished by the system. But you will never be confronted by your conscience, because you have no conscience. If you decide to kill, the only difficulties will be the external ones. Nothing inside you will ever protest.

Provided you are not forcibly stopped, you can do anything at all. If you are born at the right time, with some access to family fortune, and you have a special talent for whipping up other people's hatred and sense of deprivation, you can arrange to kill large numbers of unsuspecting people. With enough money, you can accomplish this from far away, and you can sit back safely and watch in satisfaction. In fact, terrorism (done from a distance) is the ideal occupation for a person who is possessed of blood lust and no conscience, because if you do it just right, you may be able to make a whole nation jump. And if that is not power, what is?

Or let us imagine the opposite extreme: You have no interest in power. To the contrary, you are the sort of person who really does not want much of anything. Your only real ambition is not to have to exert yourself to get by. You do not want to work like everyone else does. Without a conscience, you can nap or pursue your hobbies or watch television or just hang out somewhere all day long. Living a bit on the fringes, and with some handouts from relatives and friends, you can do this indefinitely. People may whisper to one another that you are an underachiever, or that you are depressed, a sad case, or, in contrast, if they get angry, they may grumble that you are lazy. When they get to know you better, and get really angry, they may scream at you and call you a loser, a bum. But it will never occur to them that you literally do not have a conscience, that in such a fundamental way, your very mind is not the same as theirs.

The panicked feeling of a guilty conscience never squeezes at your heart or wakes you in the night. Despite your lifestyle, you never feel irresponsible, neglectful or so much as embarrassed, although for the sake of appearances, sometimes you pretend that you do. For example, if you are a decent observer of people and what they react to, you may adopt a lifeless facial expression, say how ashamed of your life you are, and talk about how rotten you feel. This you do only because it is more convenient to have people think you are depressed than it is to have them shouting at you all the time, or insisting that you get a job.

You notice that people who do have a conscience feel guilty when they harangue someone they believe to be "depressed" or "troubled." As a matter of fact, to you further advantage, they often feel obliged to take care of such a person. If, despite your relative poverty, you can manage to get yourself into a sexual relationship with someone, this person - who does not suspect what you are really like - may feel particularly obligated. And since all you want is not to have to work, your financier does not have to be especially rich, just relatively conscience-bound.

I trust that imagining yourself as any of these people feels insane to you, because such people are insane, dangerously so. Insane but real - they even have a label. Many mental health professionals refer to the condition of little or no conscience as "anti-social personality disorder," a non-correctable disfigurement of character that is now thought to be present in about 4 percent of the population - that is to say, one in twenty-five people. This condition of missing conscience is called by other names, too, most often "sociopathy," or the somewhat more familiar term psychopathy. Guiltlessness was in fact the first personality disorder to be recognized by psychiatry, and terms that have been used at times over the past century include manie sans délire, psychopathic inferiority, moral insanity, and moral imbecility.

The way the cookie crumbles

2008-06-04T18:58:00.015-05:00

*What is your idea of perfect happiness?*
Stability… in relationships and in my financial dealings.

*What is your greatest fear?*
I fear a brutal death in the hands of some psycho…I think I watch too many movies.
And perhaps just like anyone, I would fear the loss of the lives of people who are dear to me. Enough said…the mere idea of these things happening makes me pause and see my life flash before me.

*Which living person do you most admire?*
No one. This question brings out the existentialist in me.

*What is the trait you most deplore in others?*
Being dishonest. “Honesty, is such a lonely word…everyone is so untrue…” Billy Joel must agree with me…the world is so full of chronic truth twisters, two-faced BS-ers, integrity seems to be a thing long forgotten!

*What is your greatest extravagance?*
Hmmm…nothing, as of yet…But when I come home to the Philippines in December this year, I know I’m going to be burning a lot of moolah!!! Hahahaha

*What is your favorite journey?*
I haven’t been to other places that much, although I can truly say that San Francisco tops my list.

Photo ©2004 Michael Slater Apr 2 2004

I guess I’m just a city person, the hustle and bustle and the busy commute of Manila is what I’m so used to, it’s what I grew up with. When I came to the US, San Francisco captured my heart as it is simply…different . Just like the melting pot that is Manila, there is an explosion of diversity happening in every corner…who will not miss little Italy, or Chinatown? And of course, there’s exotic Sausalito. It’s the noise and discombobulation that left me in awe. It has a character of its own, the sloping streets lined with eclectic (not to mention, very pricey) homes, and who would forget the famous SF Bay Bridge?

*On what occasion do you lie?*
Darn it…do I have to answer this? Although I can’t tolerate lying, I must admit that I have to garnish the truth sometimes…for the greater good, to maintain the peace, to delay the onset of an emotional burden for loved ones.

*Which living person do you most despise?*
My daughter’s dad.

*Which words or phrases do you most overuse?*
“Oh boy…” “Anak ng…” “Crap!”

*What is your greatest regret?*
Nothing. I am just thankful that the wheel of life is ever turning, and the things that I used to regret, have now been forgotten. All is good, and I’m hoping not to regret anything, ever, in this lifetime, again.

*Where and when were you the happiest?*
When I gave birth to my daughter…and the other one is a secret, deeply burrowed into my soul.

*What is your current state of mind?*
Haay, chaotic! Hirap maglipat ng bahay! hahaha

*If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?*
Geez…I dunno! Maybe I want the adipose cells gone???

*What do you consider your greatest achievement.*
I should correlate this to the first question. I don’t feel that I have achieved something worthy of bells and whistles, or maybe, I am just not satisfied with the things that I have done so far. I feel so mediocre sometimes, but I know I’m getting there…

Always a work in progress…that’s what I am.

*If you were to die and comeback as a person or a thing, what would it be?*
Parang gusto kong maging si Darna :)

*What is your most treasured possession?*
Most treasured…is that tantamount to the most expensive too??? Oh well, I guess it’s my truck hahaha

*What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?*
Bankruptcy and the loss of loved ones…although I have not experienced them (knock on wood!), I am praying that I don’t go jobless and broke, loveless and alone.

*Where would you like to live?*
Wherever my loved ones are!

*What is your favorite occupation?*
I loved it when I worked at that defunct, smalltime advertising agency. Product management agrees so much to my liking, I wish I can go back to doing it.

*What is your most marked characteristic?*
This is a toughie…I think…I’m relentless….KULIT!!!

*What is the quality you like most in a man?*
I like a man of character, a man who does what is right by God’s standards and not his own.

*What is the quality you like most in a woman?*
Endurance :)

*Who are your favorite writers?*
Gabriel Garcia Marquez; Pablo Neruda; Arthur Golden; Amy Tan; Lualhati Bautista; Mitch Albom

*Who is your favorite hero of fiction?*
SUPERMAN!!!!!

*Who are your heroes in real life?*
My heroes are the men and women who dedicate their lives helping the poor, the uneducated, the homeless, the hungry and the sick. Their names will never be told, but the service they do for their fellowmen has earned them a place in heaven.

What is that you most dislike?*
I dislike my ex-husband. Need I say more?

*How would you like to die?*
Quick and painless, in my sleep.

*What is your motto?*
Trust in the Lord for He is good!

brooding

2008-04-09T04:34:00.003-05:00

"the road to hell is paved with good intentions..."

too soon...

give me a break

wish you were here...

wish i was there...

deception...condescending...bleed

take me home.

"I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You"

2008-03-07T23:35:00.002-05:00

I do not love you except because I love you;

I go from loving to not loving you,

From waiting to not waiting for you

My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;

I hate you deeply, and hating you

Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love

for you

Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume

My heart with its cruel

Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who

Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because

Ilove you,

Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood. -Pablo Neruda

The last time I wrote was exactly five months ago. I was preoccupied...but more than that, I've been going through excruciating emotional pain that, unfortunately, I must harbor alone in silence. The sacrifices that I take will be all worth it in the long run. Everyone will be happy, everyone except me. But then again, good things come to those who wait. I'm weary, trying to put sudden outbursts in check, feeling less human, a tad divine...not a hint of arrogance here, rather a sophisticated and modest way of accepting bitterness.

Meantime, I'm still very cognizant of the fine line between love and insanity. On which side of the line I am currently on is something that I'm quite irresolute about. I don't know if there's a chance for that elusive state of mind called bliss, but hope stands unwavered.

If you see me with a smile from ear to ear, give me a hug...behind the smile is a strong longing for assurance that everything, eventually, will be just fine.

Born again in '07

2007-10-07T19:48:00.000-05:00

The year went by so swiftly, I didn’t realize that it will be over soon. It was just yesterday that I struggled and agonized over my Intro to Algebra classes as a budding teacher in the American educational system. Now, I couldn’t believe that I went through summer school, taught the same course, and I’m doing the same crap all over again this schoolyear. I guess I have matured, made a few friends and learned the ropes of the trade that I’m not easily intimidated anymore.

I found inspiration to write about 2007 as it is a year of crossroads, firsts and a lot of trials for me. It was a baptism of fire, that a lot of times I found myself shocked, disoriented, or simply saddened by the fact that things/people are simply DIFFERENT. Sometimes, I would re-examine my motives for coming here, try to find some inner quiet and think in hindsight, am I strong enough to face all these? Is this worth all the pain that I’m trying to endure, the pain of being away from my loved ones?

One day, a friend said, “if you think you’re not strong enough to hack this, I suggest you go home…” That was my turning point. Like I said, it’s a dog eat dog world, one has to develop a strong defense mechanism to be able to survive. Whether you swim with or against the tide, you still got to swim and stay afloat.

On the flipside, while I have been trying to “stay afloat,” a lot of pleasant things happened to me too. I’m going to summarize and share with you some of the nicest things worth remembering, give you a visual of my “happy thoughts” . Boring as they may seem, please bear with my inanity :) Here goes…

January:

I have always been skeptic about online dating, but for some reason, I couldn't refuse an invite from this surfing paramedic for a dinner at Outback. It was on the 4th of January and that being a Thursday, it was a long day for me because aside from the fact that it's a regular school day, we had PTC that night until 8. At the back of my mind, beat as I was, I honestly felt there's something in this guy that must be worth all the trouble. He looked cute and fairly decent albeit the inappropriate attire (well, I thought, this is america and he can wear board shorts to a dinner date!) and the african roses was a pleasant surprise. We seem to have found each other interesting, so finally, we hit it off and started seeing each other almost everyday since.

The surfing paramedic took me to NY to see Mamma Mia at the Winter Garden, we strutted the streets of Manhattan, took the ferry to Liberty Island and back, he watched The Devil Wears Prada while I slept (and snored horrendously) halfway through, sang Eraserheads songs together…January was awesome, beautiful and sweet because of the surfer dude.

February:

For the first time in 22 years, I received a valentine gift. Artificial roses (so it’ll last a lifetime) with a teddy bear the size of my hand hugging the stem, a card and some chocolates…I always dreaded the advent of February because the past years’ experiences were too unkind, let alone painful. This year, the wheel of fate has turned…February is now worth looking forward to.

March:

I got an 88% passing rate (which later on became 94%) for my regular Algebra class state exam. Looking back, I thought I did shabbily. I know my students should have done better. When you’re a new teacher, everyone’s eyes are on you. A couple of parents belittled me, thinking that a brown skinned teacher with ridiculous accent can’t teach their kids. So, I traced my performance against everyone else's...and guess what? I faired pretty much like them! So I guess I've done pretty well...well enough to show that I fit in!

April:

Nothing really significant and noteworthy for this month...but as if bitten by the love bug, Will (the surfer dude) and I delighted in each other's company even more :)

May:

I had to trade in my 4runner and got myself a truck. I felt bad at first because I really loved the SUV, but my co-owner wanted to bail out for some personal reasons. Inasmuch as I liked the 4runner, I settled for something more practical, reliable and convenient to use. I’ve always been a truck lover, and the blue Tacoma is it for me :)

June:

June 2 was move-in day. Will and I found a nice apartment complex 3 miles away from the beach. We signed up for a single bedroom apartment with a nice view of a manmade pond at the front yard. The place is very cozy and quiet, except for the occasional jet noise that we already got accustomed to. Moving in with someone is a new experience for me that some people frowned at because they say it is unFilipino and not right. Well, my philosophy is “you can’t win them all!” and I’m simply trying to survive. June was adjustment month, but I’ve never been so happy since.

July:

Will’s one and only (11-yr old) daughter, Lauren, spent 3 weeks with us. Before we met, I was anxious and thought of how I should act around her, but reason told me that I should just be myself. It was a tad awkward at first, but after a couple of days since she arrived, the little girl warmed up to me and we enjoyed being together :) July was interesting, and so is Lauren.

August:

I received a commendation from my principal saying that 100% of my special education students passed the summer state exams. And perhaps because of this, the principal granted my request for a higher level class. Perseverance paid off in August.

September and October:

Nothing really significant has happened as of yet, but life with my partner seems to get more and more interesting every single day. I have never felt so good about going home in this little haven where I can do just about anything. Don't get me wrong though...there had been tough times too, but we all know there's nothing that two people who honestly care for each other cannot resolve.

2007 is about to come to a close and there’s a lot of things I’ve been thanking my Maker for. A good friend of mine who passed on two years ago found this prayer of thanks that I’d like to share with you.

"My Lord:I am thankful that I don't have everything I desire.
If I did, what would there be to look forward to?

I am thankful when I don't know something,
for it gives me the opportunity to learn.

I am thankful for the difficult times.
During those times I truly grow.

I am thankful for my limitations,
because they give me opportunities for improvement.

I am thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build my strength and character.

I am thankful for my mistakes.
They will teach me very valuable lessons.

I am thankful when I’m tired and weary,
because it means I've made a difference.

Lord, it is easy to be thankful for the good things,
But I also know that a life of rich fulfillment comes
to those who are also thankful for the setbacks,
for the trials, and for the tribulations..."

Good things happen to those who work hard and believe.
Here’s to a great and fruitful year! Cheers!

blooper of the year

2007-09-26T17:37:00.000-05:00

let it speak for itself...

don't get me wrong though. i admire the hardwork and the intense enthusiasm that these kids put into what they do. the stunts are difficult (boy, no math equation can make me jump and make flips like that) and the routine altogether is awesome! but it's just that...

whoever fixed those cards probably wished he/she could hide into oblivion for the rest of his/her stay at the university. tsk, tsk, tsk...poor fellow...was probably having a bad day and decided not to give his/her 100%

but just the same, La Salle is La Salle! and the reason why people know it's mispelled is because La Salle IS tradition.

the pancit that never was

2007-09-21T17:47:00.000-05:00

i set the alarm clock at 4 this morning so i can prepare the pancit canton that i'm contributing for today's FFF (fun food friday). thanks to the Sassy Lawyer's (aka ate Connie) food blog Pinoycook.net , i used her recipe for pancit canton, a simple gastronomic treat for the otherwise picky taste of my american colleagues. since this was my first time to cook canton, i knew i shouldn't settle for any recipe available online but ate Connie's. and yes, i was right ;)

fortunately, i have all the ingredients she mentioned except for the Philippine lemon and i don't have a dependable huge wok. i used to have an aluminum wok, but i had to give it up to the dumpster as it oxidized and i'm putting the blame on the hard water in the area. so i used my teflon pan and somehow managed to fit all the ingredients in. it was difficult to mix everything without ruining the vegetables' texture, so i figured the taste should make up for it. besides, i thought, the hint of sesame oil should give it that exotic flavor the americans don't usually find in their everyday food. and although it would have been nicer if i had Philippine lemon on the side, i settled for lemon wedges instead. i garnished the finished product with the lemon pieces on top, crossed my fingers and prayed that my friends would like it. *photo courtesy of "The Tasty Island: Honolulu Food Blog"

so when i got in this morning, i sat the aluminum pan full of pancit (the americans pronounce it as PUN'set)on top of the microwave oven inside the math office and wound up doing my usual preps for my first block class. i was preoccupied from the 1st down to the 3rd block. when i came back 4th block to see how much more was left, all the noodles were gone! kaput! what was left were the lemon wedges (just as when i remembered to tell them to use the lemon for extra flavor) and the pan.

i know i'm not a very good cook, but to put some extra effort into the food that i take to school for FFF (i.e. staying up late to prepare the ingredients and waking up extra early to cook them) is something that i'd do over and over for friends who appreciate food, good company and a lot of laughter. if and when i should leave Kempsville, i hope to be remembered not only for my teaching, but also for the nice little memories that i make with the people whose company i enjoy.

Boycott Manila Standard Today!

2007-09-04T22:29:00.000-05:00

a place i can call home

2007-08-08T10:31:00.000-05:00

it's august and now i'm on my second month here at our apartment (our, i.e. Will and myself). and even if we're only renting this place, i've been looking forward to coming home everyday. it's a bit strange because i've always regarded my parents' house as my home. in fact, while i was still married and lived independently (well, quite) with my ex and my daughter, i always thought that my homing device still sought for mom and dad.

marriage, i supposed to have given me my independence because my parents had let me deal with life's "complexities" on my own. they didn't encroach in my affairs nor question my decisions. i was on my own, felt alone and even thought they abandoned me. so it seemed that my only choice was to toughen up, be reponsible for my choices, accept what my ex and his parents planned to build...and regard it as my new home.

i thought i stepped in with the right foot. needless to say, i found out later that i treaded the wrong path. i tried to fit in a place that someone else created for me. however, as i have always said, i was a square peg in a round hole. it took me a while before i realized the oddity, but as God is my ally, He led me to find my place. here, in this little apartment, in this beautiful city, is where i feel it is.

approximately 3 miles away from the beach, the apartment is our little haven. it has an awesome view (the man-made lake at our frontyard has a calming effect), recreation areas and albeit the jet noise, the whole complex is nice and quiet most of the time. the unit itself is big enough for both of us. we try to make it clean and cozy, and with a lot of help from our friends and Will's family, pretty much we have all the stuff that we need. here are a few pictures that i took (with my aged motorola V3x) on our move in day:

the view from the living room

our fire place

the kitchen

our frontyard, by the dining area

the pool

after a day of hard work, the best thing about going home is enjoying the relaxing company of a loved one. and since we moved in, i've been looking forward to that every single day :)

post hoc

2007-08-07T22:55:00.000-05:00

i have this compelling urge to re-post this entry that i made two years ago. maybe because i'm forgetting something...and i need to be reminded so i'd value myself more.

this is one of the most appreciated entries i've made.

“I don’t know how it is possible to love two people at the same time...” said the deep, reassuring voice...twelve years ago, I was totally skeptic as I pictured love to be singular, pure and devoted. He told me that I had a special place in his heart, when all the while, at the back of my mind, I didn’t think that I was even worthy of occupying a certain void in a man’s heart. Lust maybe? Could be...but love?

At 23, I wasn’t exactly pretty, but I had quite a following...plain looking, yet robust in appeal...didn’t know much about the world, so the world came to me... I hugged it back...the silent, unassuming aura was a challenge to behold, like a rock smothered and smoothened at the edges by each passing wave...weathered, yet essentially strong.

I never dared ask him, but I thought a choice among the qualities I mentioned could be the reason why he and I stayed on for a couple of years...our love was nothing fancy, nothing formal...a special relationship that celebrated unsaid words like “I need you, stay for even just a while...”, or “I love you, I set you free..." and “I desire you, I understand your needs...” Unconventional, uncommitted...yet there was longing to hold on to each other, and be special friends for the rest of our lives.

At 29, the compelling presence of that 6-ft tall, dark and handsome frame was quite a handful...I used to stare in awe at that steady gait, seamless composure...picture perfect smile =) he was young and intelligent, that at times, it became imperative for people to talk behind him. Why? Because he was a prime mover, a hard-assed young executive who made things happen...

However, beyond the unique mixture of elegance and grunge, there lay a precocious, sensitive and romantic man... my jap-eyed lover who could have been my bridegroom...

I was contented that he was just there, someone whose wisdom inspired me to do better and reach far beyond my limits...someone whose love cannot be solely mine, yet that reality didn't stop me from loving him more...his love was like, inanely put, chocolate...chocolate that’s coating my tongue slowly...distinctly sweet at the tip, and as it runs through the sides, bitter yet, addicting...it was a lovely, carefree feeling...but I knew that it was fleeting, I had to douse myself with cold reality before someone else does it...

I had a perfect excuse, in fact, it was most convenient (that excuse made such an impact in my life, that until now, I find it hard to get up and undo the serious damage it has done, not only to myself, but also to most people I love...I deem not to mention it here as I’d digress sharply). Reckoning day came and I had to tell him...

We were inside his car and just like the heavy downpour outside, my heart welled-up in tears as I told him that I had to go...I thought I was the only one who’d weep...to my surprise, the gorgeous man beside me wallowed in tears! I didn’t think I was worthy, but then again, I took it that he really loved me too...someone actually loved me!

It’s been 10 years or so...I heard how he’s doing well in both his work and his family...I’m sincerely happy that I did what I had to do then...I couldn’t bear the thought that I could have caused him some inconvenience if I continued to cultivate what we had going on years ago. I may not be totally happy with what I have now, but then, happiness comes to those who can totally accept the things one couldn’t change...and make the most out of ugly situations...

I learned from that love of mine that life can’t be all too sweet, right? Just like chocolate, the best ones, for me, are those with a tinge of bitterness...short of...perfect!

To my soulmate:

Honestly, I didn’t know you loved me too...

I had very fond memories of you...

Thank you so much.

the Chairman

2007-08-07T20:19:00.000-05:00

i have seen Memoirs of a Geisha twice just recently. ofcourse, i've seen this movie before, read the novel to boot, but for some funny reason, i feel like a fan gasping in awe each time the Chairman made an appearance. i am an avid movie goer, but not so much of a fan, unlike my mom who can be ridiculously enthusiastic at times.

so what's with the Chairman? his masculine stance, his handsome gait, his gentle ways, so sure, so elegant...and yes, i must admit, he looks so much like someone who used to love me. i won't go into details, but it was a beautiful experience, much like being with the Chairman himself!

the video recaptures that lovely feeling.

to my Chairman, i wish you well. i am so different now, but i'm sure you'd be proud of what i've become. thank you for letting me go...

celebrity look alike???

2007-07-01T10:28:00.000-05:00

my sister found out about this interesting site that gives you your celebrity look alikes (daw hahahaha) based on computer selected matches. it includes percentages of resemblance, and the results are pretty amusing :)

so all one has to do is upload a nice photo, and in seconds, you will get at least 4 matches depending on the type of output you want! it's that simple!

here's an example of what i got:

http://www.myheritage.com

and here's another:

and another...

the site can also morph your picture, and see your face change to the celebrity with the highest percentage of similarity to you!

one of those playthings that will amuse you and put a little smile on your pouty face :) try it!

Desperado

2007-06-24T14:45:00.001-05:00

i had an interesting conversation with my daughter last weekend, with her ending up crying as she expressed her sadness over the fact that her dad has introduced to her his new "friend". she didn't have any intentions of telling me this had i not broached the idea that her dad needs someone to be with. this didn't surprise me, but i was grief stricken that i can't be with my daughter during these woeful times. i understand how she feels, but i know that i, too, can hurt her in the same way.

i'm sorry baby that you have to grow up faster than you should. adults can be very selfish, don't you think? your coming to understand this will make you wiser and more careful with your decisions in life. i know that you know that i love you so much...the woeful times shall pass, so hang in there!

i've pictured you singing this song to your dad. you gotta let someone to love him and let go. he used to sing this, sang it beautifully (though i never liked his voice) and hence i learned to like it. i'm not sure if you remember the song, but here goes...

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses
You've been out ridin' fences,
for so long - now.
Ohh you're a hard one.
I know that you've got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin'you
Can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table.
But you only want the ones
That you can't get.

Desperado,
Ohhhh you aint getting no younger.
Your pain and your hunger,
They're driving you home.
And freedom, ohh freedom.
Well that's just some people talking.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine.
It's hard to tell the night time from the day.
And you're losing all your highs and lows
aint it funny how the feeling goes
away...

Desperado,
Why don't you come to your senses?
come down from your fences, open the gate.
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you.
You better let somebody love you.
(let sombody love you)
You better let somebody love you...ohhh..hooo
before it's too..oooo.. late.

Sarah Bolger in ''In America''
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

ikaw lamang

2007-05-20T05:34:00.000-05:00

minsan, di ko na alam kung ang utak ko na lang ang dapat paganahin. dito sa amerika, isinasaksak ko sa isip ko, na dapat matutunan kong wag magmahal ng lubos lubos. sa kakaunting panahon na inilagi ko dito, napansin ko, ang pagsasama ng ilang tao (na maaring di rin lang iilan) ay dahil sa dikta ng pamumuhay at mga pangangailangan. hindi ko nakagisnan ang ganitong sistema. kaya pala napakadaling makipaghiwalay.

minsan, gusto ko nang sabihing "mahal na mahal kita...", pero di ko masabi. nabanggit ko na ito minsan, pero mali pala ito. sabi mo, di posibleng mahalin ang isang taong kahapon mo lang nakilala. marahil ito ay tama...

sa ngayon, eto na lang muna ang nasa isip ko, nasa dibdib ko. di mo man naiintindihan, damhin mo ang nakikita't naririnig.

para sa iyo.

In memory of the Virginia Tech victims

2007-04-29T22:39:00.000-05:00

We, at the blog community, offer this day of silence for the victims of the senseless act of taking lives that happened in Virginia Tech. This horrendous event should bind everyone in prayer for the eternal rest of the souls of the victims. May they rest in peace.

of chocolates, flowers and teddy bears...

2007-02-15T16:42:00.000-05:00

it is funny that on valentine's day morning, i was having flashbacks of my most memorable valentine which dates back to 1985...yup, that long ago. anything that came in between yesterday and valentine's day that year are either insipidly tasteless, or simply not worth remembering.

so what happened in 1985? i had a rather eloquent suitor who wrote me poems and letters on intermediate school pad paper and on valentine's, he sent me a huggable white teddy bear with red paws and eyes and bow...ofcourse, it went with a bundle of the familiar triangular prism cartons of Toblerones, my favorite chocolate then :) every girl in my batch envied me...the newcomer from San Diego CA looked very much like Martin Nievera, was a towering 5'9", intelligent and suave... typical crush ng bayan i should say. but what made that occasion memorable?

hmmm if he was every girl's dream in my batch, well I, didn't find him awesome. to me, he was just like any other handsome boy who'd go for drop dead gorgeous girls. i wasn't that. he went to the same org i was affiliated with, and i found him too fresh and audacious...that made him unattractive to me. besides, my friends were all gaga over him, and that didn't impress me at all! i had this attitude towards boys...i won't look at you, you look at me, and i don't care if you won't because i don't need you. well, he did look at me, and i didn't know it. he cared to listen to my debates, and i didn't know it. he followed me to the jeepney stop, and i was too oblivious i didn't know it. he called me incessantly over the phone to ask about physics and other innane stuff, he was trying to catch my attention, and i didn't know it. but the boy was resourceful, he knew how to get to me. finally, he decided to write me letters and poems...and that, caught my attention. the valentine gifts came after that i said "yes" :)

however, it came like some sort of bad luck because nothing really worth remembering happened after that year, and there were years when i even dreaded the advent of february...but again, not until yesterday :)

it was almost 7:30 in the evening and i haven't had a call from my surfer dude. i was thinking, he probably is the type who finds valentine's day as cheesy and unimportant, and so i conditioned myself not to expect anything. after all, i was sort of used to not expecting anything at all.

but Will, sweet as he really is, phoned me and said we're going out to dinner with his brother and sister-in-law. he picked me up 10 minutes after he called...and guess what? he has flowers for me with a little teddy bear hugging the stems, a box of chocolates that had a card on it, and a flashlight keychain so i wouldn't have to fumble with the door locks when i open the front door at night :) isn't that awesome? no? right, it's downright sweet, i was ecstatic! i simply loved the gesture and boy, was i surprised! it had been 21 YEARS...and i never thought the magic will ever happen again :)

thanks Will...it could have been anybody, but it's you that really made the day very memorable and special. yes, i'm looking forward to spending more valentine's with you :)

here's a video that my friend Polo shared with me. it is characteristic of the occasion, but i'm sharing it with you...let's dance to it.

like a star - Corinne Bailey Rae

happy hearts day!

2007-02-13T20:45:00.000-05:00

coincidental that we both like this song...flashbacks of good memories...everything now leads to you.

let's celebrate, shall we? :)

Mamma Mia and the surfer dude

2007-02-10T23:28:00.000-05:00

the first time i went to NYC was when my best friend Abbey arrived from manila in September last year. ofcourse, my friends from Zobel were gracious enough to tour me around broadway. we visited a record store and found Leovie inspecting the Mamma Mia cd for her hubby Froi. she bought it eventually and bought myself a copy too. i thought it's a great cd, having all ABBA songs compiled and used ingeniously in a play!

weeks passed and i felt a very strong desire to go back to NY and see this play. i've read reviews about it and critics raved about how enjoyable and funny it was.

This show is extremely tacky and anyone who completely detests ABBA

should stay well away! However, fans of ABBA will be blown away and taken on

a nostalgic trip down memory lane with a breathtaking rollercoaster ride of their

favourite ABBA songs. This is held together with

a sugary story that makes the evening exactly what it is, a lot of fun, fun, fun! This is not
attempting to be a Sondheim musical, or anything of the sort, it is just a vehicle in which to
celebrate all those superb ABBA songs and in this the musical
works perfectly. - Darren Dalgish, Prince Edward Theatre

''Mamma Mia!'' manipulates you, for sure, but it creates the feeling that

you're somehow a part of the manipulative process. And while it may be widely

described as a hoot by theatergoers embarrassed at having enjoyed it,
it gives off a moist-eyed sincerity that is beyond camp. - New York Times

sure, i also found ABBA corny while i was growing up...but hearing Dancing Queen play over the years, needless to say, accounts for its popularity through a cross-section of varied generations. its upbeat melody and swing rhythm makes it an all-time favorite!

december came and i found myself going to the west coast to meet a friend and spend Christmas time with family. to two of my aunts whom i last saw 22 years ago, it was obviously a tearful reunion! long story short, i loved my vacation there, but at the back of my mind, Dancing Queen and Honey, Honey kept playing... i hummed along.

now, to digress a bit...i got back from Hayward on the 30th of december and sometime between going back to the beach and my vacation, this cute surfer dude finally decided to talk to me and asked me out on a date. although we agreed to see each other on a thursday evening, january 4 after my PTC, knowing that i'd be struggling due to inadequate sleep (just as when i was back, my sleep pattern changed to west coast mode...haaay), i still agreed to meet up with him. why? because he said he's asian, seemed very intelligent and respectful...and yes, his smile is irresistible :)

and so we dated, he was wearing quiksilver shirt and shorts (i thought it was cool albeit the... inappropriateness hahaha sorry honey!). i knew he was teenee weenee bit edgy, but he remained calm and looking cute. he talked a lot, which i really appreciated because i was so drained after long hours spent in school. he surprised me with a bouquet of pink roses and stargazers, i was flattered and totally amazed that a guy brought up here would do that in this day and age! he talked about himself, what he does, albert einstein and the theory of relativity...hmmm without meaning to impress him, having gone through all that brain stuff in college and grad school, i was able to relate and must have amused him a bit that, to me, the twin paradox is as mundane and as matter-of-factly as the falling leaves in autumn :) long story short, we clicked, chemical bond was obviously there, and found ourselves wanting to see each other more and almost everyday thereafter.

that same weekend, we decided to see Mamma Mia! and lo and behold, we were on our way to NYC after a few days! since Will Solock (yeah, the surfer dude's name) volunteered to drive, it was pretty convenient for us to go anywhere we wanted and finally, i had a much awaited blissful reunion with my cousin Edwin and his wife and kids as we drove through Springfield.

words can't describe how thrilled i was having been able to hug Edwin (after 12 long years) and my nieces. to top it all, i also took pleasure in that long drive to NY, watched and enjoyed a much coveted musical, had fun at the Liberty Island with my best friend Abbey and her fiance then Dennis (and ofcourse, the surfer dude), strutted the chilly streets of broadway and held hands under the misty skies with this gentle surfer dude, luxuriated in deep and not-so-deep conversations with the surfer dude over cups of mocha cafe and cafe americano (thank God, there was Starbucks in almost every street in Broadway), hugged and posed endlessly to Dennis' cam (Dennis' request), laughed gratingly at myself as i tried vainly to translate Magasin to the surfer dude...

awesome? it was a blast! the trip, the musical, the repartee, the company...the emotions...it was the best birthday gift i ever had in years!

to my surfer dude, thank you so much! driving to NYC is no joke, but you made things happen for me...Mamma Mia was delightfully sweet...and so are you :)

for whatever you do

2006-12-22T07:33:00.000-05:00

baloo,

i found this video and if i had her voice and talent, i'd sing it to you with such ardour, pretty much like the way she did it. the song means a lot to me, to us, and that, the ladybug knows :) she bought a cd without me knowing...isn't that touching? she's getting stuff she knows that are dear to me. it's a way of keeping me "close" to her...and this is my way of keeping you close to me...

people come and go, give us a jolting experience, to say the least...but how can someone never seen, never heard, never touched move me this much? "but when did common sense prevail for lovers when they know, they never will..."

you say, "for whatever you do..." why? will you come for me? when? you don't know...we don't know...but love stays 'whatever we do'...sounds really great...unconsummated, yet all-consuming...unrequited, yet giving...distant, yet immeasurable...

"impossible to live with you..." but to stay feeling this way, i will.

love always, joyce

my favorite sin

2006-12-12T22:28:00.000-05:00

"vanity, my favorite sin..."

well, only once in a while...and today i feel the need to be vain.

i must say that the past 38 (almost) years of my life had been pretty colorful, having a lot of lessons learned and quite a lot more to pay attention to. sometimes i stop in recollection and think about who i am, because i may be drowning in a quagmire of colorful events, and in the process, forget who i really am and the things that i believe in. sometimes, i tend to become a pushover, my kindness being mistaken for stupidity...but hey, i can be like a leaf that would ride with tide, or a rock that stands firm against it.

today i sat down and asked myself who am i. the big things are easy to remember, but the miniscule memories of the past hidden in a pocket full of youthful adventures are those that keep me standing firmly on the ground. as i recounted each one of them, i couldn't help but smile at my idiosyncracies, ambivalence and recklessness. i remember old friends, has beens and even those whom my relationships with never worked out.

why didn't i do this before? what accounts for the delay could be due to my perceived insignificant existence. so i thought, am i that insignificant? i guess not. i have and had a large share of problems and heartaches too. today, after an emotional day in school, i feel like basking in memories of my past, indulging in a bit of vanity to make me feel a tad better. now to those who'd stumble upon this, i'm not trying to sell myself. i'm homesick, tired, distraught, single ( i just severed a budding relationship) and bored. allow me to introduce myself...

1. joyce jimenez is the name of a beautiful, sexy filipina actress. my 3rd year-D class (4 years ago) in DLSZ started it all. they called me joyce because to all of my students, i'm ms. jimenez. the batch after that continued the "tradition" and hence found a more profound meaning for "sexy".

2. i'm the eldest of 4 children, once referred to by my dad as the black sheep and the under achiever.

3. as a kid, i used to dress up like Super G while my sister impersonated Darna...kung hindi kayo pinoy, di nyo sila kilala.

4. the very first movie i saw in a movie house was Gorgo. the second was Saturday Night Fever at the Harrison Plaza. i remember i was 7 years old that time and i couldn't forget how infatuated i was with john travolta.

5. i was crazy over metal lunch boxes and the first one i had was a gift from my grandfather. it was a classic, flip top lunch box and although it was made of hard plastic, i loved it dearly because it was my first, it had Snoopy stickers on it, and it was yellow. my second lunch box was made of metal and had vinnie barbarino on it. my staples: hardboiled egg and calamansi juice.

6. i watched voltes 5 every friday afternoon.
i couldn't remember exactly what day daimos and mazinger z were shown, but i watched them too. did i mention star rangers? i remember imagining myself as erika while my crush-turned-nightmare was richard :)

7. i had an avid "fan" when i was in 3rd grade who wrote me in the list of noisy students in class if i refused to talk to him during study period. and since i never learned my lesson, i ended up staying after school to clean up with the cleaners for the day... oh how i hated him!

8. i got c's and d's in high school math. that's why i took up engineering in college at a reputable engineering school and taught math 7 years after. my skills were developed in college though, as i usually did a boyfriend's homework. thank God he was lazy.

9. when i was 19, i got bitten by a japanese spitz because of my friend's lack of common sense.

10. i used to be a 36-25-36 and had great looking legs. don't ask me what happened.

11. the very first novel i read was the Godfather, but i have always loved Memoirs of a Geisha.

12. i love kare-kareng buntot ng baka with tripes and adobo. ofcourse, di masarap ang kare-kare kung walang bagoong. and not to forget, paksiw na bangus :)

13. i'm a scatter brain...and i work best when things are scattered. but of course i get organized too.

14. i have an 11-yr old daughter who likes Eric Clapton, harry potter, wrestling and ballet (not necessarily in that order).

15. although my stay in la salle wasn't too long, it's the institution i love most.

16. i'm a weeper and a sucker for love stories. i remember when Rico Yan died, i always cried whenever i saw his image on tv, the tabloids, etc. i used to see him around at the taft campus and i couldn't forget that he smiled at me each time i bumped into him.

17. when i was in college, my hair was always cropped very short. once, due to the hairdresser's ineptness, she trimmed it too short...how's 1 cm? but i was really conscious about my hair, that after that mishap, i had a private hairdresser who also worked as a columnist for Woman Today and Manila Standard. he once gave me a nice haircut, shaved my nape to shape like the mcdonald's arches, made me pose here and there and ...there i was...had my pictures published in one of the november weekend issues of the Manila Standard in 1989.

18. i worked as a McDonald's crew member in 1987and resigned 7 months after. i trained as a drive thru and counter person at the Greenbelt and northmall branches respectively. may QUAD pa noon at mistulang parke pa lang ang glorietta. remember the big cinderella boutique alongside goodwill bookstore fronting glorietta? it had the biggest mcdonald's branch then. we used to wear maroon colored uniform with white pinstripes and the white visor on our heads to keep hair from falling off. di pa gumagamit ng plastic bags noon sa mcdo and service was really fast.

19. anything unconventional catches my eye.

20. i love dressing up.

21. when i started studying in Mapua in 1985, my pocket money then was only P20 ($0.40), which later on increased to P30 ($0.60) by the time i graduated in 1990.

22. inabot ko pa ang panahong P0.25 lang ang pamasahe at P0.30 ang hulog sa payphone. madalas ako'ng makipag telebabad noon sa boypren kong hilaw kaya naranasan ko'ng kabugin ako ng mga nakapila sa payphone hehehe.

23. the very first LP album (long playing a.k.a. 33 rpm records) that i bought for myself was Air Supply's, the very first cd was Chuck Mangione's.

24. the first song i learned to play on the guitar was Sharon Cuneta's High School Life (ang baduy).

25. my first kiss landed on my right temple...and i felt like fainting afterwards!

26. i know how to cook good food, specially for a loved one.

27. i'm allergic to smoke. once i tried smoking a stick of cigarette (this was 1st yr college), i got hospitalized for asthma. never tried it again since.

28. i have a penchant for cute smiles, yung mga maginoo pero medyo bastos :) i also love good conversations, snuggling and... i would be a hypocrite if i'd say i don't get smitten by good looks. but believe me, if you don't have anything sensible in between your ears, sayang ang good looks mo, itago mo na lang. i easily fall for men who can carry a good conversation, are witty and sensitive.

29. i also have a penchant for trucks and SUVs. i guess it's because i used to work at a forwarding company where i was always tasked to go to the manila port area, north and south. i experienced riding a prime mover and have always dreamt since to have one like that inside my garage :)

30. i believe in sta clause, in miracles and i hope to stay in love with teaching despite the atrocities i've been experiencing.

31. there was a time when i would go to Hard Rock cafe in Malate (which eventually closed as it was not a franchise) 3 times a week, almost remembered the repertoire of the MTV display and became a connoisseur drinker. i could distinguish one brandy from another, befriended Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo, and could down a chilled San Miguel Super Dry to the last drop in one drinking. excuse me, di po ako lashengga *hik*.

32. i love going to fancy restaurants. one place i could not forget is the Sky Lounge of the Manila Diamond Hotel. you know why? aside from the magnificent view of the Roxas Boulevard boardwalk and the Manila Bay sunset from the 27th floor, i had the privelege to have dined and wined with two of the men i loved dearly...my daughter's dad and, in another occasion, Ray Briones.

33. i love shoes and watches :) i used to be a size 7, but my feet got bigger after giving birth and i'm now an 8 or 8.5.

34. i'm a good matchmaker but have not found the right one for me (or i may have found him, but he hasn't found me yet...labo).

35. for clothing, i'm a young dresser. though i like black, white and pink, i also go for shades of brown, green, purple, and sometimes blue.

that was fun :) there's still quite a lot, but i'd reserve that for YOU who might want to know me more. now if you're interested, talk to me, i could use a friend :)

PS. Sir Rolly is right, might as well add 3 more to account for all 38 years of my life! here goes...

36. as a kid, i was allowed to go out to play with neighbors and friends early in the morning and even late at night. we used to have a little playhouse that my uncle built, a hut made of bamboo slats. i enjoyed playing bahay bahayan, playing mom and cooking leaves. one time, i remember getting stung by a bee on my hip when i inadvertently hit it while playing hide-and-seek. i also remember feeling very sad and sorry for the unhatched eggs that our pet pigeon deliberately dropped as i snooped around its nest...tsk-tsk-tsk i didn't know i shouldn't do that.

37. i got married in 1995, separated in 2004, divorced in 2006.

38. when Mcsi died in 2004, i didn't know why God had to put me in that situation being his teacher and one of the persons he saw last. now, i realized, He had to put me through all that to prepare me for things seemingly more difficult to bear and are yet to come.

there, i've completed all 38 :)

i'll never love this way again

2006-12-09T12:24:00.000-05:00

i'll never love this way again

this burt bacharach song was popularized decades ago by dione warwick, but regine's version, i must say, is simply fantastic.

when i worked at the callcenter, my team had a
way of de-stressing ourselves...we sang and communicated to each other through songs that the infamous john sion (or johnxion as we fondly call him), otherwise known as the concert king, would sing out of key, complete with shoulders jerking, a hand raised up in the air to copy the inimitable songbird of the philippines ...a comic relief, a liberating way to placate feelings of perturbation and anger over cussing customers. so i guess i'd safely say that this was our "team" song while i was still with them.

i miss you guys. i can't forget our last day together when you sang this. it broke my heart to leave you, but mommy rhea will always remember.

tis written for me...

2006-11-21T16:52:00.000-05:00

as angels cry, blood and life ravaged,
heading whirled psyches to destruction
leads me back to the bleak grounds of dry furrows,
to a world beyond the hands of obscurity
from seeping withered scowls come
the shackles of misery
chafing my heart's silent lesions
whilst time meanders like mantras skewing the ears
and dealing dour hours destined to fill eternity
you are bound to ascend to where the clouds reign,

my Magdalene
a woman no one, but I , can ever set free
faint for me

and I shall make you breathe a new life-
for your blood is my wine
your body, my earth
your breath, my air
and your life-
my fire...
i am burning for you,

my Magdalene
i am burning for you

- JRS

to move in or not to move in, that is the question

2006-11-19T18:39:00.000-05:00

some weeks back, this guy that i've dated asked if i can move in with him. being new in this culture, i was surprised and didn't know exactly how to react. i didn't think i'd get such an offer ever in my life. look, it's not the same as a marriage proposal and so therefore, i had to think hard about how to react lest i might say something that i'd regret in the future.

i thought really long and hard, and although this type of proposal seem normal to this culture due to the very busy lifestyles that people live, my emotions battled with my pride, my wants with my values. since my divorce, i keep my vulnerability in check and am now more careful not to jump the gun. i've had mistakes, tried to redeem myself by doing the right thing, but i ended up losing a few things here and there. and so i thought, better not to let emotions overwhelm me, to think of repercussions than be merry now and suffer greater heartaches later.

and so you may have guessed it, i told him that i can't move in with him. i gave him very specific reasons and just today, i gave him another set because today, i said goodbye. we rarely had time for each other, he got back to me saying that's one of the reasons why he made the offer. he knew all long that he'd be busy, doing two jobs at a time, and shifting from his current job to a new one. it looks like it's my fault that we didn't have time to be together, but i don't feel that way at all. and at the back of my mind, i know there's another reason why our days together dwindled...well that's another story.

moving in with someone sounds really fun and exciting, but minus the commitment, for me, it spells H-E-A-R-T-A-C-H-E. if i'd be in that situation, it'll be comfortable to have someone right next to me to satisfy my needs without strings attached. no need to exert any effort at all. that'll render the person expendable and without commitment, if the other person screws up (pardon the colorful language my dear students), i can easily have a backdoor and slip out of a relationship just like that. very convenient huh?

but i'm not taking it against him that this happened to us. he has his reasons, this is the culture he grew up with. i'm not saying that he's wrong and that i'm right. it's just that the things i value are different from his. and who knows? if we were together, things could have worked out fine and he and i are now probably doing great as a couple...so probably i'm wrong that i didn't give it a chance...

the bottom line is, i thought of how that situation would fit into my value system. i'm not perfect and i don't smell like a rose either, so my set of values and friends help me make decisions that will not only do good for me, but for other people as well.

two weeks and i'll be over this, you'll see :)

meantime, i'll look for this Kingdom Hearts DVD featuring Captain Jack Sparrow :)

Myspace Codes

lusty over red?

2006-11-18T21:35:00.000-05:00

last week, a co teacher was telling a story about how her husband got so hot after seeing red sheets covering the matrimonial bed. she said he found it so sexy that he pulled her to bed right there and then, and ofcourse, you know what happened next.

she continued saying she remembered once when she was still single, there was a time when men, a lot of men, dated her. it was a bad thing because those men just wanted one thing: to bed her. and so one day, she visited a friend who's a feng shui master and she candidly told her experiences, believing there could be something mystical going on. true enough, the feng shui master asked her if she was using red sheets to which she said yes. she was advised that red sheets gave her a hottie aura and naturally attracted the men with the wrong intentions. furthermore, being single, she was told to put the red sheet on the bottom mattress and put pink over the top mattress to dissipate the "hotness" and bring romance instead.

hmmm i'm not a feng shui fanatic, but the imp within is pushing me to do some laundry...i've red sheets! hahahaha

river

2006-11-16T21:12:00.000-05:00

today, i felt so distraught with how one student has been dealing with me. it's been 9 harrowing weeks, only because of him. one time he was suspended, the class he's in, all of a sudden, was totally different. this morning, i had to deal with his objectionable ways again, but this time, i knew i had it with him. i cried when the students were gone, i felt weary and frustrated.

so when i went home, i stopped by starbucks, grabbed a venti cafe americano with hazelnut, coupled it with a slice of lemon loaf and treated myself to a christmas songs cd entitled Santa Baby. it's got elvis presley, frank sinatra, nat king cole, tony bennett, ella fitzgerald, dean martin, diana krall, billie holiday, sarah mclachlan, etc. well, i bought it primarily because it's quite uncommon to find elvis in a compilation cd like this; second, i like the repertoire and the voices. so i parked in front of our house, turned up the volume of the player, and sat there sloshing my drink away. i relaxed my mind while i looked up the dark gray sky, and just enjoyed the music, the coffee, the pastry, and the time that i'm alone. when i was down to my last sip, i called overseas to my daughter, woke her up (she's going to school anyway) and told her how much i miss her, how much i want to hug her, hold her tight. told her i love her very much...heard her sleepy voice...a priceless moment...that mitigated the pain. i felt relieved.

here's the first cut in the cd. i want to share it with whoever. i like it of all the songs in that complation. it's called river.

Music Video Codes :: MySpace Layouts

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don’t snow here
It stays pretty green
I’m going to make a lot of money
And then I’m going to quit this crazy scene
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
Teach my feet to fly high
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry
I tried hard to help me
No it wouldn’t be at ease
But it left me so naughty made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But I’m so hard to handle
I’m selfish and I’m sad
Now I gone and lost the best baby that I’ve ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Oh I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly high
Oh I wish I had a river
That I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye
It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
[ these lyrics found on www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

kids say the darnest things

2006-11-13T21:54:00.000-05:00

Part 1

one week before i left for the US, my daughter and i went to alabang town center. after getting off the taxi, we went up a flight of stairs to one of the main entrances. before we reached the automatic sliding door, i saw an ex-boyfriend (he's an artista, boy next door image, mind you) coming out of the door together with his sister. "WHAT THE..." i said to myself, and before i can order my legs to walk towards the other direction, (i felt sort of embarassed that he'd see me in this plump state) he went past me, glanced towards my direction (he probably thought it was deja vu...hello??? i'm your ex, honey!) and continued walking. here's the conversation that followed between me and my daughter, after that brief encounter:

joyce: Jace, did you see that tall and cute guy in black shirt who went past us?

jace: yes, you know him?

joyce: yup, he's an ex-boyfriend

jace: ma??? really???

joyce: u-huh! but the relationship was shortlived

jace: (after 5 minutes or so) ma? siguro mas maganda ako kung iba naging tatay ko? ano sa palagay mo?

joyce: haaay...hindi ako mapalagay! (ngek)

Part 2

last april, i spent most of my days sleeping over at my sister's. being a call center agent then, i slept during the day. i found it difficult to sleep at home when my younger cousins were there on vacation. my nephew, though he too was on vacation, would normally be downstairs, blasting away his opponents with his PS2 gadget, so that my sister's bedroom would normally be empty. i slept there most of the time, but one day, the 7-yr old tyke decided to take a nap in his parents' bedroom, beside me.

that day, for some reason, i decided to leave early for work. since i thought my crazy inaanak was still sound asleep, i dressed up in that same bedroom, my back facing him. i had my pants and my bra on, i was about to put on my shirt when i heard a shriek behind me:

"NINANG!!! may boobs ka sa likod!!!" immediately, i pulled down my shirt, sat on the bed, then i heard a follow-up shriek, "Naku!!! nagiging apat pag umupo ka!"

"Lapastangan kang bata ka...TULOG!"

darn those love handles! but as the cliche goes, kids don't lie.

Never, Never, Never

2006-11-08T21:41:00.000-05:00

Some things are better said in a song.

I'd like to run away from you,
but if you never found me I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me,
but I know I never will
You stay away and all I do is wonder why the hell I wait for you
But when did common sense prevail
for lovers when we know it never will
Impossible to live with you,
but I know, I could never live without you
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love
with anyone but you

You never treat me like you should,
so what's the good of loving as I do?
Although you always laugh at love,
nothing else would be good enough for you
Impossible to live with you, but I know,
I could never live without you
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love
with anyone but you

You make me laugh, you make me cry,
you make me live, you make me die for you
You make me sing, you make me sad,
you make me glad, you make me mad for you

I love you, hate you, love you, hate you
But I'll want you til the world stops turning
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love
with anyone but you

I love you, hate you,
love you, hate you
But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love
with anyone but you

I love you, hate you, love you, hate you
But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do I never, never,
never want to be in love with anyone but you.

I hope you find contentment in the path you chose. I'm sorry, I can't traipse down that path with you, not anymore, but i'll be around to strengthen your spirit so you'd stay in that direction.

from Jack, to Jack

2006-10-26T22:18:00.000-05:00

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when i was still in manila, someone named Jack e-mailed me an mp3 of this song. never met the person, but i got to like the song.

to Jack, thanks.

and for my special friend, Jack...
i'm enjoying you and your company...i wonder how far this friendship would go...

at long last...

2006-09-10T10:50:00.000-05:00

it's more than a month now since i set foot here in virginia beach city (one time i was with my roommate, i blurted out something like ang daming onaks ano? and she gave me this strange look...hey, got any sense of humor???). due to some financial constraints, i got a late booking and had to pass through san francisco. i took that as an opportunity to be with my relatives, and as the song goes, i left part of my heart there :)

as always, the weather was fine though cloudy; nippy but i really enjoyed it. could have been better if i was with someone dear to me (like my daughter Jacinth) to hold hands with and hug while enjoying the maginificent view. on the other side of the bridge is romantic sausalito...exotic view, great food, beautiful flora. spent 3 days in california, but i really wish i could spend christmas and winter break there.

after hayward, i headed for springfield missouri where our agent is located. Ate Becs, as we fondly call her, made us stay in their staff house (a large house with plenty of rooms) and there in Brad Pitts' birthplace i learned how to differentiate a penny from a nickel, a dime and a quarter by doing self check out at the local Wal-Mart. it was a neat experience and believe me, it is only just recently that i feel quite comfortable using these loose change as i can now remember their face value. my new found friends and i also visited a Hooters branch there in springfield. well, contrary to the common belief of those who are in RP, Hoooters is a place where they serve tasty chicken breasts and wings =) so what were you thinking?

after 1 week of getting acclimated (actually, the weather in springfield was extremely warm i had cold sore on my lips), the 5 teachers, one husband and the Ate Becs-Kuya Rolly-tandem decided to drive up to Virginia beach. On the average, they said, that it should not take us more than 17 hours to drive. however, due to congestion towards the tunnel, it took us about 20 hours to get to the Mantes' place. Ang sakit sa katawan! but i say i may have to do that again sooner or later, i mean drive up to another state. it actually is pretty convenient with the nice, paved roads and clean rest areas. sabi nga ni Kuya Rolly, it's part of the average american's life to travel, cross country. not that i have become like them, but if one has a good vehicle and the roads are fine, travelling is actually fun with the right company and a good set of maps (thanks to mapquest hehehe).

i now am sharing a room with another Filipino teacher at the Reuyans' and Ate Pearly's house. here is a picture of the house where I live. it's just so nice waking up to the view of tall, coniferous trees. the sight gives a calming effect especially after a day of dealing with very difficult kids in school. and speaking of school, i somehow have adjusted to the system here, finding each day passing quite so fast, that before you know it, the week's over, TGIF, at sweldo na naman! without having to sound materialistic, i'd say pay day comes pretty fast perhaps because of the very quick pace and busy lifestyle we have here. and contrary to what friends back home think of the kind of work we do here, we are as busy, and work seems as endless as before. the only difference is that one gets to enjoy his/her earnings more than when one is in the Philippines. for me, enjoying my earnings means being able to share it with my folks and my daughter. i am also more capable of buying the things i like, things that we may consider extras, capricho, and yet still able to save some for the rainy days. the pay for teachers is not that high, but it's enough to pay the bills, to feed and clothe oneself, share some to relatives back home...

virginia beach is a very nice place, it somehow reminds me of Ayala Alabang in the midst of Baguio City, only it's a lot larger than the posh subdivision. conducive for raising a family, it's pretty laid back, conservative and if one is tired of the hustle and bustle of new york, virginia beach is a place for respite and recluse. the place where i stay is like 15 miles away from the oceanfront. good place to jog, or simply stroll with a loved one =) it's a haven for those who want to bask under the sun while still expecting some snow in winter, crimson and golden foliage in the fall that turns green in spring, and some intermittent rain after summer. if i'd be given a chance, i would love to stay here.

two weeks ago, i went to new york to visit my friend abbey who's lucky to have found a place to stay with former co-teachers and friends leovie, husband froi, jun & jing rupanyana. more than enjoying the subway ride, the stroll down times square, i was very happy reconnecting with friends whom i last saw 2 years ago! i just love the company of these people, genuine and very kind individuals, friends one will truly miss. here are a few of the pictures we took while i was there. i know zobel peeps would appreciate these :)

the motley crew

toys r us

leovie's and froi's love nest (the baby is theirs)

subway gang

ang gaganda!

so far, i'm coping well. if an erring student won't abide, there's always the telephone to call security =)

Praying Feet

2006-07-18T18:52:00.000-05:00

have you seen feet that pray? =)

after so long a time of being in hiatus, and after resigning from work to prepare for my work abroad, thought of going back to my blogkadahan

for this month (or so), check out our website and see how this group pray with our feet hehehe yup! we've got actual pictures of our feet (and calves, and hair, bunions, callouses, etc.) put together as if in prayer! this is batjay's idea and for the love of God, visit the site so you may get a glimpse of what's in our heads...and our feet as well =)

c'mon, be good now, just click on this link and you're in for a kick =)

and by the way, upcoming for next month is one juicy topic that everyone can be really interested in...versatility is the name of the game, and just to show you that the group can write on just about anything, brace yourselves for the topic on s*e*x... yes! i'll be posting an announcement on this and be ready for your brains to be titillated by these sexy prolific minds =)

road signs

2006-06-24T03:49:00.000-05:00

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yep, it's been a while...busy with call center work, haaayyy matatapos na rin, salamat!

but being part of that company isn't really so bad, learned to survive no matter how much i struggled to be productive (hanggang sa huli, inaantok pa rin ako...well, someone kept me busy during the day kaya ganon...sorry guys), keep quality standards high...sorry fiya, you have an old dog here, goodluck on your new recruit...

bpsi times, glad to be part of the group, thank you eli. hey, i hope you like the article, last hurrah, at least i stood by you til the last day despite the dwindling number of writers...salamat napagtiyagaan mo ko kahit laging late ako mag submit...will miss you too...you'll be a very good father, i know...i just know.

q-busters...will miss you...johnxion, me-an, eka, menjo, coi, ken, mikey, yula, david...o sige na, isama na si miam! you guys made life easier when graveyard shift never really suited my system...hey eka, love this song, perfect timing :-)

been oblivious to road signs lately...nahuli ako ng pulis sa edsa...TWICE IN A ROW...ask me how long the interval was... hmm? less than 2 minutes! hehehe...record breaker ba? first time, never again!!! violations? secret! hehehe...may studyante ako'ng nagbabasa, it's not what you think it is...and i reiterate, i have been very oblivious to life's road signs lately...di bale...i'm paying my ticket.

thank God, i'm leaving soon...my daughter's prepared, she'll come see me naman, so no problem there...a palmist told me i'm getting married to a filipino in the US, will have 2 kids...shux :) it's been awhile, jacinth would love to be an ate :) will be married within the next 4 years! oh baby, open your arms, i'll be there soon! que magkatotoo o hindi, i'm the maker of my own destiny, and this is exactly what i want :)

updates? soon :)

10 sexiest men for 2006

2006-01-22T23:24:00.000-05:00

to start off the year, here's a list of my 10- sexiest men... pure inspiration =)

10. Tony Manero, otherwise known as John Travolta. if you were not born yet to see that awesome movie Saturday Night Fever, you missed out on the sexiest man who ever walked Hollywood during the 70's. a man in double knit pants never looked so awesome on the dance floor.

9. Pretty Woman's heartthrob was every single woman's dream date. always the gentleman, always cool and suave...whew!

8. you're wondering what Rep. Francis Escudero is doing on this list? i find being fiery quite sexy =)

7. David Robert Joseph Beckham, Royal Madrid's first team player has star potential. sexy, undaunted...

6. Neo, John Constantine, Kevin Lomax, Nelson Moss...otherwise known as Keanu Reeves...who wouldn't fall in love with this versatile actor?

5. fine, i was smitten by his gorgeous smile...Jericho Rosales is handsomely filipino...

4. he's obnoxiously handsome, despite his flawed english...Jerry Yan made me watch Meteor Garden to the last episode...call me shallow, but i was gaga over him for quite a while...eto ang itsurang maginoo, pero medyo bastos =)

3. yeah, yeah, i got a penchant for weird looking guys...Johnny Depp is simply adorable in all of his movies...no matter how strange his roles were. that's exactly why he's sexy...he's unique, creative and weird =)

2. absolutely charming, intelligent and straightforward...aside from the fact that i can really get attracted to someone who has a way with ladles and chopping boards, Chef Jamie Oliver is one reason why Discovery channel is worth watching.

and first in my list is...

Ken Watanabe...you saw him in the Last Samurai, Batman Begins, and yes, Memoirs of a Geisha as the handsome Chairman. i am specially drawn towards men who exude an air of mystery...and yes, his expressive eyes never fail to melt my heart away. wish he can be mine =)

Remembering the novel Memoirs of a Geisha

2005-11-18T21:20:00.000-05:00

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"...Now I know that our world is no more permanent than a wave rising on the ocean. Whatever our struggles and triumphs, however we may suffer them, all too soon they bleed into a wash, just like watery ink on paper." - Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden

i have kept a copy of the paperback for more than a year now, but it was only two weekends ago that i decided to sift through its pages. it was one of those cold saturday evenings of trying to stay awake and my mind, full of entrapments set by my own imagination. in an attempt to avoid that sullen state, i realized that i have shelved the book for so long and thought that i might as well indulge in prosaic musing, thinking that it may teem with slow paced narration of ancient Japanese way of life...boorish, unexciting, plainly hermeneutic.

it started with a preface, an interview with the heroine, Sayuri. at the prime of her life, Sayuri agreed to tell her story to an unknowing writer to reveal the lifestyle of one of the most misunderstood beings to have lived...the geisha. to those who do not have an idea of what a real geisha is, first thing that comes to mind is that she's a prostitute...albeit the elegance and sheer perfection, the overall perception is rather reproachful and deprecating. in an attempt to change this notion, Sayuri tells her story.

Sayuri, the little girl with exotic blue gray eyes, was named Chiyo. she lived with her sister and parents in a poor fishing village and led a most poignant life. to a nine-year old, the banal lifestyle of a fisherman's daughter seemed everything in the world for her, not until when her mother got critically ill. upon the doctor's instruction, she was tasked to run an errand that had caused her to face a future in the company of the most provocative characters and events that changed her life altogether.

even before her mother passed, Sayuri and her 15-yr old sister Satsu were sent to the city of Gion, sold to become a geisha and a prostitute respectively. Sayuri's destiny was slowly carved out for her as she struggled emotionally each day, longing to be together once more with her family. the day of reckoning, however, came as she received a letter and a package that brought the news of her parents' death and the destiny which her sister chose to follow. this made the little Chiyo envisage a future that she had to decide upon despite her youth...the choice was between life and death...between bete noir and elan...iki shini ...ofcourse, she chose life...the life of a renowned geisha.

this enthralling story brings its readers a powerful narrative, a visual representation of a spellbinding journey to becoming au fait.

a geisha is specially trained in "ancient dance, singing, playing instruments such as the Shamisen, flower arrangement, wearing kimo no, tea ceremony, calligraphy, conversation, alcohol serving manners and more. "

now the art of seduction is also something else...sensuous, yet simple... ingratiating, yet pleasantly restrained. who ever thought that the flesh under a woman's forearm can be alluringly seductive, so that a slight show of the forearm while pouring tea can disarm the most stolid onlooker? or a moment's glance at man's eyes can cause him to stumble?

certainly, a geisha may look like any other, but Sayuri was different...even as a young child, her unusual blue gray eyes caught the attention of many, and earned the envy of those who shared in the same trade. the Chairman was one such man whose attention she caught as a child, Sayuri's love whom she secretly followed throughout her life.

i finished the book in two days, not wasting a single waking moment after that i started conning over its pages. there were times that i found myself crying as i felt the sorrow of a young helpless child being taken away to a place she never knew of...the pain of losing one's parents at a tender age...the fear of having to survive a most cruel environment where beauty and grace are ironically nurtured to perfection in order to prevail. i guess i'm simply daunted by the fact that in time, i may have to leave my precious one, my daughter, behind in order to pursue a life that will eventually make things better for us both...

i was curiously enchanted by the narration of a man (Arthur Golden) behind a woman's voice. i didn't even realize that it was a man who made the story, even til the end =) the emotions that i felt were very womanly...soft, yet fiery and undaunted...fearsome, yet audacious and resilient.

the story, though a fairy tale, was skillfully told so that a surprising twist unfolds in the end. i was deeply engrossed by the details, but somehow, at the back of my mind, i too was secretly hoping for Sayuri's real feelings to be found out by the Chairman so that they find everlasting happiness...but that would be an easy and predictable ending, wouldn't it? even if it ended that way, it is noteworthy to say that he was nonchalant almost all throughout the story! Golden was successful in shifting the mind of the reader, making the predictable, unpredictable!

i can't wait for the movie to be shown here in manila. the magic of Spielberg, Marshall and Golden combined is something worth looking forward to...

samu't sari...

2005-11-05T00:55:00.000-05:00

hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako maka 72 calls...masyado ba ako'ng mabait?

nakakainis ang QA results, lalo na kung ge-grade-an ka sa bagay na di mo alam, o mali ang impormasyon na nasagap mo...asar

nakaka walang gana ang mga taong walang modo...

sana lang, may libreng juice o kaya iced tea sa pantry...medyo nakakakabog ng dibdib ang 3 baso ng kape sa isang gabi...

sana lang, may internet access din sa station ko...mas nakakawala ng stress siguro pag may iba kang nakikita

buti na lang, mabait ang UM ko...

hindi ko alam kung bakit kapangalan ng tatay ng anak ko ang boss ng boss ko...parang di magandang senyales.

regular na daw kami...bakit parang di ko maramdaman? o talagang wala naman talagang dapat maramdaman?

umalis na si dave, yung seatmate ko...nakakainis siya noon pag nangingiliti...ngayong wala na siya, hinahanap ko yung kakulitan niya...haaaay

may uupo na raw na kapalit si dave...sana lang, sing bait din niya.

si jen, lagi na lang malungkot...kelan ka ba sasaya?

si mike "rocky", nakakatuwang krp, ang galing magbigay ng advice...nag TL ka na lang sana...

hinihintay ko na yung online issue ng newsletter namin...para may bagong pagkaka abalahan

hinihintay ko na rin ang thanksgiving...sarap ng bakasyon!!! makapag shopping na sa tutuban hehehehe

magka-carolling daw kami sa AAV...si john sion ang vocalist...good idea...di na kailangang mag pitpit ng lata.

bakit green ang text ko? "i love Zobel" eh =) kahit kumukuha raw ng di grumadweyt sa high school ang LaSalle...kayo rin naman ah!

nami miss ko ang pagtuturo...ang klasrum...ang mga bata...

magawa ko na sana ulit sa susunod na taon...sa amerika.

"Death's shadow only fades little by little as time passes...

2005-10-31T20:26:00.000-05:00

There will never be more than a thin glass barrier between your present and the wreckage of your past..." - Wei Hui, Shanghai Baby

this year, death is nothing more like a surreal and relentless nightmare that knocked on the door of three significant people in my life...i never felt so much loss, most specially after having severed my 9-yr relationship with my daughter's father. when someone passes, those who are left behind dwell on thoughts like "i could have done this...i should have told him/her that...". these are the very things that keep us attached to those who went on to exist in the after life. admittedly, i've had my regrets...

Ray, Rammel and Pepot...i would have told you these, but i'm sorry...so sorry i wasn't able to.

Ray, when i saw you helpless and in coma, had there not been anyone else in that room, i would have embraced you tight, tight enough to let you feel the warmth emanating from me... and would have whispered to your ear endless chants of hope, love, forgiveness. i know you heard my voice while i was talking. gut feel told me that you made a facial muscle twitch to signal that you heard me, that you acknowledge my presence. my irog, i'm sorry i didn't have the strength to hold you...but i thank you dear for letting me "see" you just before you went, for letting me "feel" this unique connection that we had...to this day, i'm haunted by your smile, your reassuring voice, your gentle touch. but i'll have to move on eventually...i can hear you now saying, "i know..."

Rammel, i have a lot to feel sorry about. jonah wanted to tell you how your father loved you dearly...jonah met him in Chicago in 1996. he told him that while he was still here in the Philippines, he'd drop by your school and looked at you from a distance, wanting to hold you near and tell you how much he loved you. but he was in hiding, and you knew that. perhaps you two met already, wherever you are now. forgive us for not letting you know for the simple reason that we don't want to hurt your mom...not anymore...she's been through a lot and one more blow would just be way too much. Meng, it felt good that i was able to bring you that cold drink when you wouldn't take in anything because it was too painful in the stomach...it felt good when you held my hand, held it like you never did before, a touch that made me realize that you're trying to communicate what you couldn't say as it was too painful to talk (you wanted to tell me how thankful you were, right? for bringing you that drink, for running errands for your mom, for taking care of you even if it meant not sleeping at all during the day...that was the most i could do and i wish i was able to do more)...i understood what you meant, and i won't ever forget that moment.

Pepot, you never knew how thankful i am that you knew my pain, my prayers...and you prayed with me...when i told you that i had to leave my daughter's father, you didn't point a finger at me...no judgments, no hasty conclusions...you stood by me, you believed in me, you made me feel that no matter what i was going through, you were there, praying for me...i'm sorry i didn't know you were in pain...i'm sorry i didn't get the chance to give back to you everything that you've done for me...i didn't even know that you were in great physical pain while i whined about the hardships i went through just recently; you didn't even tell me that you were alone...had i been there, would you have lived longer?

having written all these, i go on with my life, mending relationships with those who are left behind...creating ways that would make others feel that i value them...exerting much effort to let my loved ones know how much i care for them...

i won't shed another tear of regret. the past will always be a part of me, its wreckage an integral dimension of my being...that won't change...with my loved ones' passing, life begins with those who are still living.

how well i understand men...

2005-10-28T22:57:00.000-05:00

i don't know if this is something that i should feel glad about...i think men, basically, are intimidated if women knew TOO MUCH about how they think and how'd they react to certain stimuli...what do you think???

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone.
You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well.
Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

my blogging style and the kind of seducer that i am...whew

2005-10-19T06:15:00.000-05:00

got this idea from one of my visitors.

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

and here's an add on...hehehehe

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.

You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.

Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

you're beautiful

2005-10-01T04:01:00.000-05:00

here's a beautiful song that i would have given you had it been popular some time ago. it describes exactly how i felt...

"You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on your face...
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you..."

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james blunt - youre beautiful

that face, that infectious smile...that reckless, ambivalent mind

you told me we'd be together, but that will never be...

as heaven is now the place for you.

ice cream

2005-09-18T22:53:00.000-05:00

hi EA!

this one's for you.

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When love is likened to ice cream and chocolate, gratification is instant and intense. And while the experience is fleeting, it brings an emotion that makes you want to taste it over and over again...terribly exhilirating, yet temporary =)

EA, you should know the feeling.

kwentuhang babae

2005-09-11T23:33:00.000-05:00

Kaninang umaga...
(text conversation follows)

Jen: "In LIFE, GOD doesn't us the people WE want. Instead, He gives us the people WE need...to TEACH us, to HURT us, to LOVE us, and to make us exactly the WAY WE SHOULD BE!"

Joyce: True! So if we get hurt, we take things with a grain of salt and move on; if we are loved, cherish the person and every moment of it.

Jen: Wehe. gawa mo?

Joyce: Eto, nakahiga, sakit ng ulo ko dahil nagugutom yata ako at mainit pagka gising ko.

Jen: Nakakainip ano? Hay.

Joyce: Oo, lalo na pag walang pera hehehehe...

Jen: Korek. Ang hirap ng pera ngayon, lalo pa ko, ala akong katulong...

Joyce: Pareho tayo. Di bale, pag nakapag asawa ka na, magkakaron ka na ng katulong. Ang tanong e, kelan? Sayang, wala nang eligible sa mga kakilala ko.

Jen: Ahehe. Korek. Sarado na nga ata matres ko e...wahaha

Joyce: Loka. k**s lang ang nagsasara, hindi yan. Kumukunat lang yan...

Jen: Wahaha...whatever. Nakwento ba sa yo ni John? Nakita ko si R***y nung saturday.

Joyce: Di. Sa Festival?

Jen: Yep. Pero di nya ko nakita.

Joyce: Ok. It's good you're over him. Ako naman, me kakwentuhan ako kahapon ng madaling araw. Nakita niya blog ko. Kaso eh, mukhang kaiba ang gusto.

Jen: Ahaha. Prone ka sa mga obssessed ano?

Joyce: Ano fi! Marami yata kasing girls ngayon na ganun lang ang hanap, at marami rin ang matitino kung umasta pero ganun din ang hanap...Punta tayo SM!

Jen: O sige, kita tayo SM.

Joyce: Sige, bihis na ko.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Jen,
God is kind to all those who wait...trust me =) and if you can't wait, continue praying so you don't fall prey to those whose intentions are not as good.

Love you girl!

Joyce

"i am january..."

2005-09-09T23:57:00.000-05:00

as i was browsing through the forwarded messages i have in my e-mail the other night, i came across a subject line that says "eow!!!"

usually, i wouldn't pay attention to forwarded messages and, more often than not, would erase them instantly...but this particular subject line caught my discriminating attention. could it be another case of an unknowing insect trapped helplessly in a bowl of sisig meal sold at the loft? or another one of those freaky alterations made on pictures by some curious hi-tech artist using the wonders of adobe?

i opened the message slowly (as i got an icy piercing look from my UM when i opened an e-mail that sounded off like a crazy japanese cartoon when i clicked on it...grrr), and the message read "kung gusto nyo ng pampagising, eto ang tignan nyo..." there were six picture attachments. i opened the first one, and true enough, it awakened the living daylights out of me when a picture of a NAKED 70ish old woman (who looked like a Filipina) popped into view! i thought it was another one of Ka Paulding's creations (doing tricks on pictures), but no man, those do not have alterations on them! imagine that body that looked like skin on a sharpei that needed stretching and ironing! most of her poses were forgiveable as i tried to be open minded about it, but i nearly fell off my chair with this one particular shot that showed her hand on her crotch! i don't have an idea why the hand had to be there, but i have not seen anything that grossed me out the way that that horrendous pose did! one male officemate asked me if i would pose that way out of desperation and given a sizeable amount of tf...i quickly replied, "no way! not even if it will change this country's course of history!" that said, i quickly closed that message and got back to work, trying to erase the horrific image in my head.

so i got home the following morning and, as usual, sat in front of the tv before going to slumber land. i scanned through almost all of the channels until i finally came across the Hallmark Channel. there was an advertisement on the movie Calendar Girls. the preview caught my attention...here's an interesting synopsis of that movie:

"Chris and Annie are the best of friends – very different, but very close. Living in a small village in the Yorkshire Dales, their peaceful lives are shattered when Annie’s husband dies of leukaemia. An active member of the local Women’s Institute, Chris enlists the support of her fellow members in a fund-raising initiative for the local hospital. Her seemingly traditional idea is to produce a calendar, with a different woman photographed for each month. Each one will be engaged in a classic WI task, such as jam making, flower pressing and knitting. Sounds traditional enough, but her idea has a radical twist - the women will be in the nude. Before they know it, the women are hitting the headlines at home and abroad. Whisked off to Hollywood on a whirlwind publicity tour, they take their turn on the talk shows and in magazine photo-shoots. Amidst the hype and glamour, the friendship between Chris and Annie is put to the test."

very creative, isn't it? it's a true to life story and unfortunately, i didn't have the chance to see the movie (as it was shown at night). so i searched the internet for it's webpage and came across the synposis, the photo gallery, video streaming, etc. the movie presented an entirely different facet of how a nude photo of an elderly woman should be looked at and appreciated...here are some of the pictures on the calendar:

"CALENDAR GIRLS is inspired by the British story of the Yorkshire
women who set out to raise money for the Leukaemia Research Fund by posing nude for an alternative Women's Institute calendar. Their courage and chutzpah turned a local story into an international media phenomenon and inspired millions of women worldwide. The calendar girls raised well over half a million pounds and even out sold the Britney Spears Calendar in the United States."

guys, you'd probably agree with me, that these women (and the pictures!) are beautiful, inside and out! i used to dread the idea of gravity taking its toll on me, but after seeing these pictures, (no John, i'm not posing nude for anyone), i somehow felt liberated...free from fearing the inevitable...having a wrinkled, furrowed and sagging body. let's face it, we are candid about facing the three inevitables, but are we ready to accept and let those pass without a nudge and exerting some effort to, at least, deter their eventuality? but then again, look at these women! they did not have to go through painful surgery for these photo shoots...yet, look at the results! this is ART (will you agree with me, Tito Rolly?). the calendar gives us a fresh outlook about aging, getting wrinkled and gray...

now although i couldn't forget those nude pictures of that old lady (talk about visual retention...and yes, I AM VISUAL), i pretty much appreciate the Calendar Girls...now, if and when i reach that age and someone approaches me to pose for something very artistic like this in order to mitigate someone else's suffering or poverty...well...maybe, just maybe...i would consider and say "i am january..."

isang gabi sa beta way

2005-08-19T00:13:00.000-05:00

isang sabado...

jon: punta tayo sa UP, mag star gazing tayo!
joyce: hmmm...sige, pero parang wala namang stars eh!
jon: di magpahangin na lang tayo...dun na tayo mag kape.
joyce: (skeptic) mmm...sige...(ano kayang balak ng mokong na to?)

papasok sa UP Diliman...

jon sa UP guard, pagpasok ng UP: boss, studyante po ako dito...
joyce: (eh ano naman ang business mo sa ganitong oras ng gabi?)

jon, matapos magpaikot ikot sa buong UP: dito na lang muna tayo tumigil (sa parking lot sa beta way, bandang alas-10 ng gabi)
joyce: ang dilim dilim naman dito! (palinga linga sa paligid, tinitignan kung ano'ng gagawin nung isang kelot at bebot na naka scooter at naka tambay din sa pagka dilim dilim na parking lot)

maya maya lang, may dumating na pulis ng UP, nagpa-patrol. binuksan ni jon ang bintana.

pulis: mga studyante ba kayo dito? (tunog concerned...)
jon: opo.
pulis, tinaggal sa pagkakatutok ang flashlight na dala: mag iingat kayo dito. di nyo ba alam na may pinatay dito nung kamakailan lang? member yata ng frat.
jon: ah, ganun po ba?
pulis: oo, kaya mag ingat kayo.
jon at joyce: sige po, thank you!

di pa rin natinag si jon. ni-recline pa yung upuan niya, at gusto pa yatang matulog (star gazing pala ha???).

joyce, habang nakatitig sa mga corridors ng engineering building sa tabi ng beta way: jon, tignan mo yon o?!?
jon: ha?!? kanina, yung naka motor, tapos yung sikyo...sino na naman yan? dami namang istor...
joyce: dun o! tumingin ka doon sa corridors!
jon: ha??? ano'ng meron?
joyce: ang daming nag uunahan pumasok sa classrooms!
jon: ha?!? asan???
joyce: mmm...tara na...
jon: ha??? wag na muna, mamaya na...kakarating lang natin dito eh...
joyce: basta!!! halika na! sinabihan na tayo nung pulis na delikado nga dito eh!
jon: bakit??? may nakita kang tao???
joyce: basta!!! alis na tayo!

sa tropical hut...

jon: ano ba yung sinasabi mong nag uunahan pumasok sa classroom?
joyce: multo.

kawawang jon, di naka porma...hehehe...

salamat sa mga multo ng beta way.

para kay kenji,
na inspire ako doon sa isa mong entry, kaya ginawa ito ng malikot kong pag-iisip. salamat!

just like bitter-sweet chocolate...

2005-07-01T16:15:00.000-05:00

“I don’t know how it is possible to love two people at the same time...” said the deep, reassuring voice...twelve years ago, I was totally skeptic as I pictured love to be singular, pure and devoted. He told me that I had a special place in his heart, when all the while, at the back of my mind, I didn’t think that I was even worthy of occupying a certain void in a man’s heart. Lust maybe? Could be...but love?

At 23, I wasn’t exactly pretty, but I had quite a following...plain looking, yet robust in appeal...didn’t know much about the world, so the world came to me... I hugged it back...the silent, unassuming aura was a challenge to behold, like a rock smothered and smoothened at the edges by each passing wave...weathered, yet essentially strong.

I never dared ask him, but I thought a choice among the qualities I mentioned could be the reason why he and I stayed on for a couple of years...our love was nothing fancy, nothing formal...a special relationship that celebrated unsaid words like “I need you, stay for even just a while...”, or “I love you, I set you free..." and “I desire you, I understand your needs...” Unconventional, uncommitted...yet there was longing to hold on to each other, and be special friends for the rest of our lives.

At 29, the compelling presence of that 6-ft tall, dark and handsome frame was quite a handful...I used to stare in awe at that steady gait, seamless composure...picture perfect smile =) he was young and intelligent, that at times, it became imperative for people to talk behind him. Why? Because he was a prime mover, a hard-assed young executive who made things happen...

However, beyond the unique mixture of elegance and grunge, there lay a precocious, sensitive and romantic man... my jap-eyed lover who could have been my bridegroom...

I was contented that he was just there, someone whose wisdom inspired me to do better and reach far beyond my limits...someone whose love cannot be solely mine, yet that reality didn't stop me from loving him more...his love was like, inanely put, chocolate...chocolate that’s coating my tongue slowly...distinctly sweet at the tip, and as it runs through the sides, bitter yet, addicting...it was a lovely, carefree feeling...but I knew that it was fleeting, I had to douse myself with cold reality before someone else does it...

I had a perfect excuse, in fact, it was most convenient (that excuse made such an impact in my life, that until now, I find it hard to get up and undo the serious damage it has done, not only to myself, but also to most people I love...I deem not to mention it here as I’d digress sharply). Reckoning day came and I had to tell him...

We were inside his car and just like the heavy downpour outside, my heart welled-up in tears as I told him that I had to go...I thought I was the only one who’d weep...to my surprise, the gorgeous man beside me wallowed in tears! I didn’t think I was worthy, but then again, I took it that he really loved me too...someone actually loved me!

It’s been 10 years or so...I heard how he’s doing well in both his work and his family...I’m sincerely happy that I did what I had to do then...I couldn’t bear the thought that I could have caused him some inconvenience if I continued to cultivate what we had going on years ago. I may not be totally happy with what I have now, but then, happiness comes to those who can totally accept the things one couldn’t change...and make the most out of ugly situations...

I learned from that love of mine that life can’t be all too sweet, right? Just like chocolate, the best ones, for me, are those with a tinge of bitterness...short of...perfect!

To my soulmate:

Honestly, I didn’t know you loved me too...

I had very fond memories of you...

Thank you so much.

buhay call center

2005-05-21T06:05:00.000-05:00

i'm sorry, i haven't been blogging for more than a month now. well, aside from being busy preparing docs for my US employment (wow, you won't imagine what sort of stuff i need to prepare for this...my life's pretty colorful, so things can't be too easy for me, right?), i ventured into getting employed at a nearby call center...well, one will never know what the verdict of the consul will be during the interview! gotta have a back up, just in case...di ba?

so, since april 25, i've been working on a grave yard shift...from 8 pm til 4:30 in the morning, manila time. actually, i'm still in the training stage...trying to learn about life and health insurance...(mind you guys, it's not easy as you think it is. learning about how insurance works is heavy on memory work and very much like going back to school and taking quizzes every now and then. that's right...we also have quizzes!). ofcourse, we have to learn about our product first before we start entertaining phone calls...but this is just the tip of the iceberg...

what's really difficult is how to shift your entire biological clock the other way around, and turn your nights into days, and vice versa...i was really surprised when everyone in the building greeted me "good morning!" at 9:00 in the evening! akala ko, nagpapatawa lang! but when i heard the expats saying the same thing at the elevator, i said to myself, "my God...i'm in twilight zone..."

eto ang challenging...e di ba, summer ngayon? (and man, this is the worst summer of my entire life!) have you experienced sleeping during the day, only to wake up sweating profusely and feeling so icky because of the extreme humidity??? ang hirap matulog ulit, di ba? what more if you really don't have a choice coz you have work at night??? wow, i really had to scrimp on my budget and bought myself a new airconditioner!!! dahil kung hindi...mamamatay ako!!! not only because of the excruciating heat, but also because of sleeplessness!

i have never been so health conscious before than now....i've been buying boxes of Stresstabs just to make sure i don't get sick...and just as when i thought that i would lose weight, i'm so darn wrong guys...i eat more often than usual, drink an average of 5 cups of Milo a night (coffee gives me a bad feeling in the stomach...besides, bumabaha ng kape at milo sa call centers hehehe)...and now, i weigh 10 pounds more than i used to!!! GRRRREAT! (talk about losing weight when you don't get enough sleep!)

now since i've been officially employed for a month now, i've adjusted already with this new lifestyle...it gets pretty tough to stay awake on monday evenings though (one has a natural propensity to sleep at night), but i'm getting the hang of it.

and what about the phone calls? i haven't handled a phone call yet, but as they say, i've already "barged" in with an expert...since all of our clients are from mainland USA, then ofcourse, our calls are also 98% from american callers. at this point, what i feel would be difficult in taking the calls (aside from forgetting the proliferation of concepts about the products) is trying to understand different american accents while trying to explain things to an irate caller. there was one call where the only thing i understood was the policy number she gave...and that's it :-( i'm hats off to these guys at the call center coz they can understand practically every kind fo american accent they can hear...and what's even more admirable is the way our Filipino CC specialists converse with these clients...they, too, have the accent!!! many of these callers are amazed when they learn that the assistance they're getting comes from manila! imagine hearing a brown asian speak the way they do! HAH!!! bilib sila, di ba?

haaaaay naku....i have a few more weeks ahead of me before the interview with the US consul...if i get denied for whatever reason, i think, i'd like to stick it out with the call center and give it a shot. people there are nice, a bunch of young and intelligent breed.

as to the question if one can make a career out of this kind of job, i'd say, to the patient and hardworking, yes.

i'm actually feeling sad if let's say i do pass my interview...i've found new friends, really nice ones. but of course, first things first...at this point, there's nothing better than a job abroad, right?

.

.

this is my personal favorite :-)

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Bisitahin nyo kami sa Blogkadahan

2005-04-01T00:09:00.000-05:00

tayo'ng mga noy-pi ay likas na pala kaibigan (ang diin ay nasa huling bigkas). nagsisimula sa konsepto ng bayanihan, pakikisama at pagtanaw ng utang na loob, ang pagbuo ng isang grupo o "barkada" ay nagkakaroon ng kahulugan dahil sa pagkakaiba, o pagkapare-pareho ng mga karakter ng mga taong bumubuo nito.

tulad ng aming Blogkadahan. ito ay isang grupo ng mga manunulat ng "blog" o electronic journal, na nagkatipon tipon upang bigyan ng bagong kapahulugan ang konsepto ng pagiging magkakaibigan, pagiging malikhain, pagiging Pinoy.

kung titignan ninyo ang aming webpage, ito'y napagkatuwaang tawaging "The Rebels without Because"...sa Filipino..."mga rebeldeng walang dahilan..." medyo matalinhaga (o malabo ba? hehehe), pero kung ikaw ay isa ring pinoy na manunulat, maiintindihan mo ang ibig sabihin (o ibig na iparating) ng katawagang ito. mapapansin din sa gawing itaas ng webpage ang iba't-ibang klase ng pansapin sa paa (me step-in, bakya, rubber shoes, sosyal na flip-flops), nagdadagdag kulay at nagpapakilala sa mga karakter ng mga contributors nito. hindi nyo na itatanong, ang pinaka bata sa amin ay edad 22... ang pinaka matanda naman ay...u-hurm! (ubo...ubo...ubo...)

kami ay binubuo ng mga pinoy na mula pa sa iba't ibang panig ng mundo (Manila, Singapore, USA, Canada, Belgium, Germany, New Zealand, Japan at England). iba't iba rin ang aming mga karera sa buhay, kung kaya't ito'ng site na ito ay masasabing "melting pot", bagama't pare-pareho ang dugong nanalaytay sa aming mga ugat (minsan nga lang, nagkakaiba sa kulay...me bughaw at kadalasan...me berde...bukod sa pula, siyempre!).

ngayon, kung gusto niyong matawa...o di kaya naman, eh maiyak...(pero kadalasan, matatawa ka sa paglalaro ng mga salita), bisitahin nyo kami sa

kita kits tayo! =)

*button courtesy of Ms. Sassy

PS. gusto nyo bang makita si Darna? punta kayo dito =)

A Eulogy to Raymund A. Briones

2005-03-26T02:06:00.000-05:00

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
May the name of the Lord be praised."

Job uttered these words after he received news of the loss of all his earthly possessions, including the lives of his children. Immensely enthused by this passage, Ray aimed to maintain a happy mortal life that he acknowledged as a gift from God. In all of his days, at least when he's become aware of the greatness of God, he had the positive disposition of a child...no amount of tribulation weighed him down. Of course, he was only human. When he was hurt, he also cried out in pain. Nonetheless, just like Job, he remained steadfast in the belief that God, in all His glory, is over and above all things known to man...be it anguish or grandeur, the Lord Almighty never forsaked him.

I am compelled to say this, before anything else, because let it be known to all those who will read this, that Ray was a very good man. He may not be perfect and had his weaknesses too, but at the end of the day, as he loved God so much, he bowed down before Him in prayer for enlightenment and forgiveness.

I had the privilege to know some things about the man, those which he voluntarily shared with me, in varied aspects of his life. Other people, who are more significant than I am, may have things to say that extend far beyond those which he made known to me. I'd like to write about those things that affected me most as one of those whose lives he touched in more ways than one.

As our school administrator, Sir Ray was the epitome of a genuine Lasallian leader. Streamlining a number of things here and there within the school's system, his excellent management skills, coupled with dedicated adherence to Lasallian ideals, made him the most loved administrator (as far as I know and am concerned) in the history of De La Salle Zobel.

But why was he loved really?

Sir Ray was a compassionate leader. During his time, a number of mishaps marked that school-year the most trying in the history of DLSZ's existence as an institution. Just to give you an idea, it was the year that one of my students died in an accident (see my blog A Reason to Change). After that fateful day, everyone expected the worst to happen. Aside from the general feeling of grief over my student's demise, the entire school community felt anxious to know how the new EVP will resolve the situation. Will he decide with a cold heart and announce a most harrowing decision?

I wouldn't have written this if he did =)

We have proven ourselves wrong. According to a very reliable source, Mr. Briones decided to do "what is most Christian". He kept this in mind in all of the things that happened that year, including that accident. I did not get the chance to know straight from him how he decided on certain things, but one thing's for sure...everyone got their second shot at proving their worth as true proponents of the Lasallian charism. He once told me that "there is innate goodness in every person...everyone deserves a second chance." What character! What immense kindness!

As a family man, Sir Ray loved his children, his parents, and his siblings dearly. I learned about this during my first encounter with him. It was during our faculty retreat that he visited as our school head. There was an activity where we were asked to sit and form a big circle. The chair beside me was empty, and so he sat there to join us. We were told to count in two's, so that he and I became partners. The facilitator gave a word with which we were tasked to form a sentence, a statement that should introduce one's self to his/her partner. The word given to us was the word HAPPY. He said, "I am happy whenever I'm with my family." Having known him after some time, I learned what he really meant by that, when at first I thought of it as a bit trivial. I had the privilege to learn more about his family life and I am grateful that he trusted me with it. I know how much he treasured and cared for his parents, how he looked forward to weekends to spend time with his children, and how proud he was for such great siblings. If he can be faulted for something, it was in making a choice to remain a gentleman to the very end.

As a person, Ray was one of the most amiable that I've ever met. Coupled with that ready smile, his positive aura and handsome bedimpled face was an outright assurance that life's difficult moments are fleeting. Seeing him in campus wearing that smile worked wonders on an otherwise stressful day. He was a wonderful person and unfortunately, not everyone knew about it. During that brief encounter that I had with his mom at his wake, she mentioned that she and her family were surprised at the turn out of people who came to pay their last respects for him. He had a multitude of friends that his family never imagined him to have. They never knew his "other side", not until that day at his funeral. Men found in him a great fellow who leveled with them, no matter who they are. (Ray once told me that as a young brother, he loved the feeling of being able to mingle with the older and more knowledgeable ones, so that he learned from the way they taught and dealt with the less experienced ones. It was a lesson of humility that he was shown, and that which he remembered in dealing with others.) On the other hand, women found him very charming, witty and fascinating. Children and students found a good friend and confidante in him. To me, he was enigmatic, precocious, but strikingly senstive and warm.

As a friend, Ray taught me that life is worth living. I've had an ample share of difficult times, and all he had to say were words of encouragement, appreciation and support. I didn't think I was worthy of such support, as I myself often doubted my decisions (my ex-husband often made me feel that I was wrong, never astute and capable of making sound decisions). But Ray showed me otherwise. He shunned at those who wronged me, not only because we're friends, but also because he always had the right explanation to the way people should think. At times, we'd make up secret names for people we both know and end up laughing as if we didn't care if the world ended that day. Whenever I was down, he'd speak with fire and vindicate my position, stating fallacies in latin...and i'll find myself trying to understand in vain what he meant to say... when all he'd say in the end is, "this, too, shall pass..."

Mitch Albom said that "there are no random acts. We are all connected. You can no longer separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind..." I will not end this tribute without saying that he dearly loved DLSZ, and how he connected to each and everyone of us. We were blessed to have experienced his wonder for one school-year and, indeed, it left special memories amongst all of us. Below is an excerpt of his speech during the turnover ceremony held July of last year. It is proof of the love that he had for the school, and was so sorry to have professed only on that day.

"...it’s truly nice to be back again even for just a short time.
I guess, as far as De La Salle Zobel is concerned, one year was really more than
enough for me to fall in love not only with the place, but also with the people—with you.

And when I look back in hindsight, the school year that was, and as I view in my
mind each event that happened in a sort of slow-motion—I can only smile and say with
utmost honesty and sincerity: It was a great year—it was the best that I have had in years— and definitely, no regrets..."

"My Lord:
I am thankful that I don't have everything I desire.
If I did, what would there be to look forward to?

I am thankful when I don't know something,
for it gives me the opportunity to learn.

I am thankful for the difficult times.
During those times I truly grow.

I am thankful for my limitations,
because they give me opportunities for improvement.

I am thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build my strength and character.
I am thankful for my mistakes. They will teach me very valuable lessons.

I am thankful when I’m tired and weary,
because it means I've made a difference.

Lord, it is easy to be thankful for the good things,
But I also know that a life of rich fulfillment comes to those
who are also thankful for the setbacks, for the trials, and for the tribulations..."

In Mitch Albom's The Five People you Meet In Heaven, he said, "...fairness does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young. Death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else. And in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed..."

Ray's passing away is certain to bring a lot of changes in people whose lives he's touched. In my case, unknowingly he taught me Job's and St. La Salle's charism. He lived these beliefs, that God knows He had a good and hard working steward in Sir Ray. Bro. Ceci Hojilla, FSC, witnessed him as "God's gift to us!" I've seen God's miracle at work, and it was he. For *"it is when we're torn apart that we become REAL. It is when we become real, that we are truly LOVED. " Sir Ray basked in this wisdom...and truly, he was loved!

It was a beautiful experience to have known you, Sir. It's time you went home.

*from the Velveteen Rabbit

The great american dream...or is it?

2005-02-23T07:15:00.000-05:00

last february 9, i received word that i got selected for a teaching job in virginia beach city. my initial reaction was..."ok...so what happens next?" yeah, i felt...okay. contented that i finally got an answer after waiting for more than 3 months in a row. the news also, somehow, gave me a reassurance that i'm still doing well in this profession. only five teachers, out of more than a thousand applicants, were selected from three major cities within the country.

and so what now?

i wasn't ecstatic because of a couple of reasons:
1) since i'm going there on my own, i'll have to leave my daughter behind...with her dad. it poses a great risk on my part to be "en absencia" while my 9-yr old needs a mother to be with her. i must admit...i am threatened by the idea that she just might forget about me...forget about her love for me...

2) i am penniless...and what's worse? i have to depend on my daughter's dad for financial assistance...

darn.

the weekend passed and, as usual, i spent it with my daughter...i broke the news to her and she was so glad that i made it...all the more that i wanted to spend the whole time just hugging her and kissing her, exchanging stories about her friends and my (mis)adventures with men who make "porma" (oh yeah! can't carry that alias for nothing!). but time flies so fast and in no time, the weekend retreat with my one and only loved one is over...

monday came and i received news that the school who will be hiring me will pay the agent's fees that would amount to a hefty $4,500! whoa! i was astounded! not too many teachers get the same privilege! in that euphoric state, i literally dropped down on the floor like a rag doll, trying to feel the thump as i landed on my butt...was i dreaming? i couldn't believe what i just heard! and when i was finally sure that i wasn't simply imagining things, i let out a soft scream (heheheh...yes, you know what i mean ^-^). then it dawned on me...my God is so good, He knows exactly what's in my heart.

i took this as a sign that my God really wants me to take this opportunity, to see and welcome the fact that i've been "down" for so long now, that He's giving me this chance to start anew. "...when you're down, there's no other way to go but up..." says my friend. i thought that the distance between me and my daughter will be temporary as i promised to come back for her. i thought that i have to sacrifice a bit for a greater cause (my ex was diagnosed to have cancer of the parotid gland in 1999 and is currently on remission. being the other parent, it's my responsibility to prepare for my daughter's future if in case her dad suffers a recurrence.). life would certainly be not easy when you're alone, but realities and entanglements of it should serve as inspiration to go on and do better!

is this the fulfillment of the great american dream? i'd say yes, but a greater part of me says no. when a filipino teacher leaves her country, it is not because she's lost her sense of nationality and service to her fellow countrymen...to her, *teaching minds, touching hearts and transforming lives remains her overriding concern...to feed her family and ensure a brighter future for them, however, is equally paramount...it's in our nature...i hope no one argues with that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my plans are clearer now...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm not worried anymore that my daughter will forget about me...
she took nourishment from me and breathed the same air i breathed
when she was inside me...
no one can change that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i will miss my students...specially those who left special imprints in my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*a Lasallian teacher's creed

(my) 10 sexiest men

2005-01-25T10:40:00.000-05:00

i visited ja's blog the other week, and i really went kilig over one of her entries on her list of 10 sexiest men.

well ja, here's my own version...i enjoyed doing this =)

#10 sting...his real name, gordon matthew sumner...he's a teacher and the best bassist who can lead sing...i'm practically obssessed by him.

#9 nicholas cage...i wish i'd wake up one morning with those eyes lovingly gazing at me...haaaay

#8 will smith... gorgeous, relentlessly funny!

#7 our former evp, mr. raymund briones...charming smile, impeccable wit, enigmatic

#6 gilbert remulla's undeniably pleasing, on and off the screen...simply dashing!

#5 with or without the long blonde hair, orlando bloom's fascinating!

#4 van leaño's my student last year...one of our school's smashers...smart and debonair

#3 ah...witty, charming...that's my tito!...swerte ni korina =)

#2 cute smile, nice voice...perfect behind =)

#1 need i say more?

Tonight I can Write - a reflection on Pablo Neruda's work

2005-01-15T00:45:00.001-05:00

by: Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

there are nights really, that even when the sky is clear and the stars are out, a certain feeling of sadness envelopes me...it's the feeling of emptiness and being alone when a moonlit sky like that should be viewed upon by lovers intertwined in a sweet embrace.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

yes, inasmuch as i can still feel the hurt and misery he gave me, i loved him...and sometimes, i felt that he loved me, too...he's a workahalic and dearly loved his profession...he's responsible (ah, no question about that!) and there was always food on the table. but that's all he did...his work, his parents and his other one were all that mattered to him...he forgot that he had a wife, too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

our marriage lasted for a good nine years...but only because i chose to stay. the last 5 years i slept alone, hugged only the softness of the pillows beside me...unfortunately, the pillows never hugged back...and only the cold concrete wall stared back as i cried through those nights.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing.

In the distance.My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

it's been a while since i left his house. the first few days, i felt triumphant, that finally i succeeded in leaving him...that finally, i had the strength to say "no more"...however, the years that i spent with him, no matter how excruciating, somehow left a loving imprint carved deep within me. yes, he's hurt me so...but he'll stay with me for until when, i don't know.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

i can still hear the priest's voice telling us during our canonical interview that when a man and a woman are joined in marriage, they're no longer two different people...they become one in the union made by God, though their individualities still kept intact. he probably sacrificed part of his individuality, inasmuch as i also did. although i felt that i sacrificed more of mine than he, the dictates of love was there...i didn't ask for more than he could show. and no matter how undemonstrative he was, i clutched unto hope that he probably loved me, too.

Another's. She will be another's.

As she was before my kisses. Her voice, her bright body.

Her infinite eyes.

another's...i can't speak of what has happened, but nevertheless, i have let it happen. i didn't fight for what was mine...for i also felt that we're no longer meant for each other.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer

and these the last verses that I write for her.

memories are what we make of these relationships...we gain love, we lose love...we get hurt, we feel pain, we fight back...we exult in victory, be resilient in defeat...all these...all these we can suffer and survive...they'll all pass, but memories will stay behind.

To the man i loved, thank you for these memories. i shall hold on to them even when...i become another's.

Bloggers get together!

2004-12-31T00:34:00.000-05:00

Whenever an individual finds the mood to write, it’s basically due to some inspiration drawn from experience. Therefore, a journal (or a blog, at that) represents very intimate details about its writer. It exudes a whole gamut of ideas and gut-level personal insights which consequently render its reader to “feel” for the writer. Here, one realizes that even without seeing the writer in person, an intimate relationship, a connection, a bond ensues even in the absence of personal contact.

Last night was special :) Both writers and readers, who also alternate as pundits, had the chance to get together for a party! (Thanks to the proponents: Ms. Sassy and Yuga. Mabuhay kayo!) Needless to say, due to this so-called “intimate” relationship, it wasn’t difficult to mingle with a bunch of “strangers”, who are strangers only because most of them are known to us by their pseudonyms! Brilliant and audacious writers spoke of the mundane and humdrum…very down-to-earth…very friendly :) (Well, I had to make an explanation for not being able to write and comment for the past so many number of months. Now that I’ve resolved to be back, I’d see to it that I’ll have something to share, at least, once a week.)

The get together has signaled the start of a better relationship between the blogger and the reader. Although distanced by cyberspace, we now get to appreciate the persons behind the blog much more than ever.

Hats off to Ms. Sassy and Yuga! We look forward to another one like this :)

mahal mo siya, mahal niya'y iba...

2004-12-28T14:27:00.000-05:00

Eto na naman itong ganitong klaseng kwento...kwento ng mahal mo siya, mahal niya'y iba.

Sabi nga dun sa isang soap, pwede namang magmahal, kahit hindi siya ang iyong nakakatuluyan. Sa totoo lang, masasabi mo lang yan, pag alam mong deep in your heart, this person feels something for you too, whether it's love or hate, there are some feelings for you, di ba? (hehehe parang malabo yung hate...but no! it only means kung hate ka niya, it's temporary and just find a way to reconcile!)

Sabi dun sa movie ng mga bagets (yeah right! baduy na kung baduy, di ko ikinahihiyang nanood ako ng Bcuz Of U! hehehe...cute yung movie ha?), tawag sa ganitong mga tao ay LOSER, o sadyang PATHETIC!

Does one really have to spread himself/herself so thinly, just to catch this person's attention? I believe that one only becomes a loser when he/she doesn't do anything at all!!! Mygas! Gone are those days na uupo ka lang at maghihintay! Anong hihintayin mo? Even when pigs can fly, hinding hindi ka papansinin ng mahal mong kaibigan kung tatayo ka lang na parang tuod, at hihintayin mong pansinin ka (buti pa nga yung puno, tinatabihan) you have to make an effort to make this person realize that you're worth his/her while.

However, your problem sets in when he/she claims to be in love with someone else...mahal mo siya, mahal niya'y iba (aduuuy!!!) *sob*

I used the word "claim" coz hanggat di pa nakakasal yang si irog mo sa honey niya, ambivalent pa rin yan! Meron nga diyang mahigit 5 taon nang mag-on... Ayun! Hanggang dun na lang pala and they split!(ooops! Pasintabi po!). Dahil ang totoo, sa paniwala ko, ang puso na marunong magmahal ay MAARING magmahal ng di lang iisang tao. But of course, one of the greatest means of showing true love is through loyalty...great love, immense sacrifice!

Ngayon, di ko sinasabing tamang mang agaw ng girlfriend o boyfriend ng iba ha! (At lalong lalo na, yung mangolekta ng bf/gf!...hmp!!!) Bad yun ha?!?!?! Pero, pag napansin ka niya (because of who you are), at nagkataong ang napansin niya ay qualities na gusto niya, that's where friendship starts (huh??? friends lang?!?...hehehe...for starters, yes!)

E pano kung friends na talaga kayo? Mmmm... kung talagang mahal mo, e di, just be there for him/her...as a true friend! someone who's sweet and understanding... someone who can give sound advice...a shoulder to lean and cry on... the usual stuff para sa mga martir ;p masamang mang agaw!!! hehehe ;p pasasaan pa yan, malay mo, mapansin ka rin...

E pano kung talagang sinabi sa yo na "sorry talaga, but i can't imagine being romantically involved with you...(ouch!)" well, kung talagang sila, sorry tsong/tsang, talagang sila. Kung hindi naman, a twist of fate may still happen (hope springs eternal!) ...pero wag mong ipagdarasal na di sila magkatuluyan o di kaya'y gayumahin mo! (tsk, tsk, tsk...me kilala ako'ng ganyan...buti na lang, di siya blogger... hehehe) ;p Sounds martir, but a relationship that is half-baked is
unlikely to be successful.

Cheer up guys! Chances are, someone's looking at you, too! Masyado ka lang busy at di mo na napapansin, o pinapansin! (minsan naman kasi, talagang walang dating eh!) So who says you're
a loser? Pathetic? Nah!!! Just perfectly in love! ;p

"Love and light!"

in recluse

2004-12-28T14:18:00.000-05:00

I had to forgo blogging for half a year for a couple of reasons...
1) i've been back to the normal grind...schoolwork for this year is relatively heavy due to a number of good reasons; and
2) i wanted to refrain from saying anything that will certainly be used against me, and thereby, tarnish my reputation as an educator.

Anyway, i'm back, and that's all that matters...

and to whoever feels happy or slighted in whatever i write here, well...as my favorite principal would put it, "if the hat fits, wear it!"

wish ko lang...

2004-06-24T12:01:00.000-05:00

that pretty woman holding me is one of my best friends and ninang. she's one person whom i really, really look up to coz she's done a lot of remarkable things in life that somehow inspire me to do my best as a person. she's a music-piano teacher (i can still hear her voice, yelling at me from 50 meters away, "you're hitting the wrong note!!!" ULIT!!!), a singer (well, although she may have sang only for relatives), life of the party, a perennial jester, a connoiseur in the kitchen, a wife...a loving mother...all rolled into one. she went through a lot in life, and since she's basically a very jolly person (whose raucous laughter used to awaken the sleepy and quiet neighborhood in their street in pandacan...she probably does until now in hayward), she's shown us how strong she is in the face of adversary, was able to weather all storms in her life (well, almost)and emerged as a person of great personality!...warm, very level-headed, very understanding, versatile...very smart!

i may have not said this yet, but ninang, thank you so much for the friendship, the love, the undying support...everything! i've been truly remiss at writing...heto pambawi ko sa yo!

God bless you always and goodluck to grandmotherhood! hehehe... Happy Birthday!

happy father's day, dad!

2004-06-19T17:43:00.000-05:00

if i'm not mistaken, this picture was taken shortly after my first birthday (as evidenced by the dick tracy gadget on my lap, the ugly duckling and the pooch that seemed to have gotten it's looks after the duckling...and the time date stamped on the picture). by the yellowing of the picture's paper, you can just imagine how long ago this was taken...hehehe (to give you an idea, it was shortly after apollo 11 came back after it's mission to the moon) and the guy over there behind me (don't you think he looks like...lagalag? hehehe), ofcourse, is my dad! well, i was daddy's little girl...we do have a lot of other pictures like this until i was around 5 years old...that's when we left quezon city and decided to stay here in las piñas...he became a lot busier that time, kaya kumonti ang lakwatsa days namin...but nontheless, i appreciate the wisdom of this old man...makulit minsan, but a lot of the things he's told me were those which i never heard from any of my friends up to this day...thanks dad...thank you so much for that eclectic wisdom that you never fail to impart...thank you for picking me up whenever i stumbled...thank you for putting up with mom's quirks (and staying in that marriage for the longest time)...thank you for staying at home, doing the household work for us when mom had the chance to work...thank you for welcoming me back home, dad...happy father's day :)

of weddings...and sayings

2004-06-19T03:53:00.000-05:00

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue...things that a bride-to-be would gather (as per instruction from old ladies in the family) for this much awaited occasion...her wedding day. If I may recall, since my wedding was to take place in Intramuros, Manila, anticipating traffic congestion, I dressed up in a room at the Manila Hotel just so to avoid having to make my groom wait. I was sort of nervous that day, but somehow, things were pretty much hassle-free. After dressing up and posing for video (that seems to have take an eternity), I went down to the lobby, half expecting the scene that I would create with that 6-ft train of beaded satin trailing behind me. True enough, there was a crowd of tourists, mostly Asians, who gathered at the reception area...The camera man took a few pictures as I glided across the hall. I knew that everyone's eyes were on me ;-) I felt like cinderella who's about to ride her pumpkin carriage. And then, I heard it...a reverberating applause from the foreign guests! I smiled back as I saw them nod in approval of the mystique walking past them...there it was, my 30-second claim to limelight!

Today, as I traipse down memory lane, all these things have become part of a fairytale that ended years ago...in fact, it ended just a week after my wedding day. No regrets though...for whatever it's worth, having lived and learned the hard way has shaped me (i think) into a better person...better, not necessarily wiser (i still stumble and feel idiosyncratic at times...I know there's still a lot more in life to learn about), but a lot better in the sense that I've discovered myself as to the things that I'm capable of doing...I've learned to love myself!

A wedding is just the start of a colorful, adventurous life. These i learned: something old - what you are willing to give-up for that one person you love; something new - the things that you are willing to go through with your loved one, no matter what; something borrowed - your spouse...borrowed-to-own-eventually...keep in mind that he's not from your side of the family...his values are different from that of yours...learn to compromise; something blue - your life will turn blue, the magic will be gone, if you don't know how to take care of your man...well, mine is a different story :)

In conclusion, i'd keep these things in mind...just in case i get to wear that ecru gown...again!

they came...and they went

2004-06-12T22:06:00.000-05:00

This was taken during the intramurals last school-year...they are just few among the many pretty faces in my class Sr-D...i'll miss you guys!

a reason to change

2004-06-06T09:56:00.000-05:00

it's been raining incessantly the entire day...rainy days bring in sad emotions...usually, that is...but today, i didn't feel quite that way...i started my morning with a warm tumbler of cafe latte at starbucks (what with 300 bucks left in my wallet! hehehe...the Lord provides!) while i waited for Abbey to come...

Abbey and I went to the Kerygma Feast of Bo Sanchez...three things i learned from Bo today...1) to own up to my behaviour and its consequences...stop blame, own up, and change my life...2) find a gut-level reason for change...yes, my God knows what it is and He provides the plan for me...and 3) do something new!...yes, that's exactly what i'm gonna do...10 years of simply waiting is enough...i have to move on and be a better person for my God...

hmmm...change...it's a beautiful word that i've been hearing for days now...from Bro. Ceci, to Shrek, and now, Bo...i want to change myself, the course of my life, because God might not recognize me when it's time for me to face Him...

but guess what? morbid as it may sound, but change is what Mcsi did for me...his death came as a jolt as it suddenly ended a life with a lot of promise...i thought really hard at why did it have to be me, when there are other teachers in school? why did God choose me?...

as days went on, things began to unfold...mcsi's death brought me to experience new relationships which opened my eyes to reality...reality that somehow got distorted due to my passivity...but not anymore...

thank you Mcsi, my sweet guardian angel, my soulmate...you made things happen for me...your demise, though hurtful and untimely, has brought me hope to do better as a person...thank you dear...i miss you so...

takes my breath away

2004-05-27T12:41:00.000-05:00

this is a beautiful song that patti sang during the concert...incidentally, the song is also called the "pacey and joey" song of dawson's creek...it was the first time that i heard them sing it, and right away, i fell in love with it...i downloaded a version from my napster and played the song over and over again...

a while ago, around 9:30, a very good friend of mine called me up, sounding very ecstatic...as usual, girl talk...while talking, i brought the wireless phone near the computer's speakers, and i let her listen to the music i was playing. almost instantly after the song, she fell in love with it...in fact, she was mesmerized by the golden voice of patti, and tuck's exquisite plucking! the song reminded her of the date she had today...and she told me this:

"...i went to bed with him, knowing that he doesn't have feelings for me...well, nothing more of a friend...but you know why? because i love him in all of his beauty...i love him unconditionally...should his memory fail him and forget about me, i have decided to gather memories of him...up until when, i don't know...in the end, that's everything i can own of him...nothing but memories"

for this gentleman, whoever you are...this is your song...

TAKES MY BREATH AWAY

Sometimes, it amazes me
How strong the power of love can be.
Sometimes you just take my breath away.
You watch my love grow like a child,
Sometimes gentle and sometimes wild.
Sometimes you just take my breath away.
And it's too good to slip by, it's too good to lose,
Too good to be there just to use. I
'm gonna stand on a mountaintop and tell the news,
That you take my breath away.

Your beauty is there in all I see,
And when I feel your eyes on me, oooh,
Don't you know you just take my breath away.
'Say, my life is yours, my heart will be
Singing for you eternally.
Oh, don't you know you just take my breath away.

'Say, it's too good to slip by, and it's too good to lose,
Too good to be there just to use.
I'm gonna stand on a mountaintop and tell the news,
That you take my breath away.

Sometimes, it amazes me
how strong the power of love can be.
Ooooh, don't you know you just take my,
take my breath away.
Oh, my life is yours, my heart will be
Singing for you eternally.
Ooooh, don't you know you just take my,
take my breath away.
'Say, it's too good to slip by, and it's too good to lose,
Too good to be there just to use.

I'm gonna stand on a mountaintop and tell the news,
That you take my breath away. Hmmmm.....

Love Without Conditions - Benediction

2004-05-24T21:01:00.000-05:00

There is only One Son of God
and You are He.

From Him, you receive.
To Him, you give.

When you look at yourself,
may you remember.

When you look at your brother,
may you also remember.

When you look away in fear,
remember only this:

Subject and Object,
Lover and Beloved,

are not two,
but one and the same.

What you give and
what you receive

are reflectionsof each other.
~Paul Ferrini

solitude

2004-05-23T22:20:00.000-05:00

when the night is calm...

and the birds are asleep...

trees bow and stars shine,

in solitude, i weep...

for that is the time i most think of you.

jersey girl

2004-05-23T06:45:00.001-05:00

oh, this is a movie i've seen twice, two days in a row...this is the 3rd time in my entire life that i sought to watch a movie again (first time was for the movie Zapped!...and 2nd was for My Best Friend's Wedding...i wonder why...).

it's a touching story of a man (Ben Affleck) whose wife (whom he loved dearly despite her quirks) passed away after giving birth to his one and only daughter...but i will not write about the story of this man in relation to his daughter...i wish to write about his eccentric love interest, the girl who worked at the video shop (Liv Tyler)...

funny how they got to know each other...ben was in the video shop with his daughter...he sneaked out a porn video, tried to hide it from his daughter, and finally, checked it out with no other than the shop manager played by liv...liv questioned his "borrowing practices" as she claimed to be a graduate student who's doing a paper on "porn borrowing practices of men"...she invited ben to an interview just so she can have inputs on her paper...in the process, she discovered that ben has not had sex for the past 7 years! she took pity on him and casually invited him to have sex in his house! although a bit hesitant, ben agreed to the generous "offer"...boy, wasn't he depraved! as they got into the house, they undressed each other on the way to the bedroom, started kissing intensely and groping for each other's body parts, when suddenly, ben's daughter came home from school!..the two went inside the bathroom, closed the shower curtain, and pretended to be taking a bath...eventually, the girl caught them (there's really nothing you can hide from these little adults...)...

though liv played an eccentric and overly assertive young woman, there was a part in the movie when she casually faced the man, withheld her true feelings for him (she told him that it was just a "mercy job" she did, and that it was plain and casual sex...no feelings involved...)...as soon as she was alone, she found herself crying bitterly, letting out emotions that only she could understand at that point in time...tsk, tsk...i'm afraid, i've been in and out of that kind of situation too...trying to hide any sign of vulnerability in the face of a potential love interest...

to all the men out there: women do not engage in sex just because...sex is never just a physical activity meant to satisfy hormonal uproar...no matter how casual it may seem, women can't settle for "wham, bam,thank you ma'am!"...women will always refer to "it" as intimacy, not just sex...the difference is in the involvement of emotions in the former that can even result to love...unfortunately, not too many men are aware of this...the average Juana will still opt to cry in silence...

what am i driving at?

men, please treat your women with respect...emotions will always tag along, no matter what you say...it's like a curse that we, women, cannot do away with...so the tendency is to get hurt most of the time...all the time...so please, never think of sex as a casual undertaking, a boost to one's ego, or simply a time to scratch an itch given a favorable time, place...and partner.

tuck & patti LIVE!

2004-05-23T06:45:00.000-05:00

after several attempts of asking people to tag along with me to watch the tuck & patti concert, finally, by sheer accident (thanks to blogger.com!), i found someone who's equally dying to find someone to accompany him...sir rolly :)

this is what i've been waiting for...i've been a fan for 11 years now, and there was never a time that i found remakes to be more beautiful than the original...the all time favorite TIME AFTER TIME, an original by cyndi lauper, was reinvented by this duo some 11 years ago...and this time, they've come up with a not so similar version, but nontheless, equally beautiful...who says a last-song-syndrome is annoying? not when you sing the way patti would...

last night's performance was utterly magnificent! tuck's performance was breathtaking! the way he strummed and plucked would make one imagine of a guiter with strings set wide apart...each and every single note struck with extreme clarity, you'd think he's some sort of a demigod! he played like a string quartet, only there was just the sound of one guitar that filled the theater with awesome acoustic melody. when he strummed and tapped away on his guitar with his own rendition of EUROPA, for a while there, i forgot that Carlos Santana even existed! sir rolly's nagging question was..."is he human?" hahahaha! well, that fleshy but firm handshake must have answered him alright!

Patti's voice was soulful and soooo soothingly beautiful that when she sang I Was Born To Love You, someone from the audience proposed marriage to his companion! It was indeed a romantic evening...each song beguiled couples to snuggle, share a shawl in a cold and rainy night...hehehe...good thing that sir rolly's a gentleman...that even when he was sooo darn freezing, he just tugged on the other end of my shawl which i offered him to share :)

oh well...i hope to see the duo again perform live...this time, in San Francisco!

maiden voyage

2004-05-21T21:45:00.000-05:00

it's been quite a while since i finally resolved to write a blog...again...but have not really found the right motivation to do it...i guess, there are just too many significant things that have happened recently that i couldn't help but sit down and start typing along.

today, i woke up this morning, feeling so heavy, as i was burdened with guilt for hurting a good friend's feelings...why? i have questioned his integrity as a friend when all this time, he has shown nothing but kindness and respect...i guess it all stemmed out from the fact that he never disclosed to me what his true intentions were...at least, not in a concise manner...

what was my issue?..i didn't know what his intentions were in wanting to have an immigrant's status in the US...i've offered to extend a little privilege to him, expecting nothing in return, just so he will be able to experience this "new life" that he's been longing for in a foreign land...i offered to help because i care for him...

anyway, since i knew that what i did was something really, really bad (dahil hindi pa raw ipinapanganak ang taong makakapikon sa kanya...so, i guess, i took the first shot at it), i apologized through text (texting can be sooo annoying because of the absence of real emotions...yet, the filipino race seems to be so dependent on it)...hiyang-hiya ako...and he replied: "...hi! gud morning! it's not that i dont want to go, di ba i said i'm 95% sure (yeah right!). kaya lang i felt sa txt mo that u'r not clear abt my intentions & that i may jst be using u. i dont want u to entertain thos thots kc it wil jeopardize our friendshp kaya i said wag na lang. yun lang naman. but if dat's not wat u meant & it was meant to be in jest, then cge let's continue. di ba? unles ikaw yung nagbago?..."

well, although i felt better after reading that, i still prodded him to tell me honestly if he's sure that there were no more hard feelings for me...and he assured me that "...when a friend apologizes to me, i hav no reason 2 question her/his sincerity..." after that, i felt so good i was smiling the entire day!

my friend Martin (not his real name) is the epitome of a real gentleman...the things that he said to me today, are all reflective of a person who's nature is to nurture...

i'm happy to have known Martin as he gives me a new perspective in life...now, i'm starting to believe that not all men are jerks...that there is still innate goodness in most people...that it is alright to go out and start trusting men again...that it is not alright to settle for just anything, specially if it is so obnoxious, thinking that getting used to it is a normal part of living...something obnoxious is bad enough...to think that it's alright to have it just because one is obliged to have or live with it, is simply preposterous! i am happy to have met Martin...i liken myself to a ship that's about to sail for the first time...it's maiden voyage...i'm going to sail on through life with a vision in mind and heart that i can redeem myself and do better as a person...new life is about to berth and i'm rarin' to go on board :)