I like writing online...aside from pouring out my emotions and things that just happen to tickle my innermost thoughts, there's a number of things that I need to jot down as they start to crowd my head in sheer discombobulation ...as i rethink them, i edit, copy, paste, crop... use words befitting the characters, edit all i want...in my own sweet time...this is my private portal and I love it!
it's august and now i'm on my second month here at our apartment (our, i.e. Will and myself). and even if we're only renting this place, i've been looking forward to coming home everyday. it's a bit strange because i've always regarded my parents' house as my home. in fact, while i was still married and lived independently (well, quite) with my ex and my daughter, i always thought that my homing device still sought for mom and dad.
marriage, i supposed to have given me my independence because my parents had let me deal with life's "complexities" on my own. they didn't encroach in my affairs nor question my decisions. i was on my own, felt alone and even thought they abandoned me. so it seemed that my only choice was to toughen up, be reponsible for my choices, accept what my ex and his parents planned to build...and regard it as my new home.
i thought i stepped in with the right foot. needless to say, i found out later that i treaded the wrong path. i tried to fit in a place that someone else created for me. however, as i have always said, i was a square peg in a round hole. it took me a while before i realized the oddity, but as God is my ally, He led me to find my place. here, in this little apartment, in this beautiful city, is where i feel it is.
approximately 3 miles away from the beach, the apartment is our little haven. it has an awesome view (the man-made lake at our frontyard has a calming effect), recreation areas and albeit the jet noise, the whole complex is nice and quiet most of the time. the unit itself is big enough for both of us. we try to make it clean and cozy, and with a lot of help from our friends and Will's family, pretty much we have all the stuff that we need. here are a few pictures that i took (with my aged motorola V3x) on our move in day:
the view from the living room
our fire place
our frontyard, by the dining area
after a day of hard work, the best thing about going home is enjoying the relaxing company of a loved one. and since we moved in, i've been looking forward to that every single day :)
i have this compelling urge to re-post this entry that i made two years ago. maybe because i'm forgetting something...and i need to be reminded so i'd value myself more.
this is one of the most appreciated entries i've made.
“I don’t know how it is possible to love two people at the same time...” said the deep, reassuring voice...twelve years ago, I was totally skeptic as I pictured love to be singular, pure and devoted. He told me that I had a special place in his heart, when all the while, at the back of my mind, I didn’t think that I was even worthy of occupying a certain void in a man’s heart. Lust maybe? Could be...but love?
At 23, I wasn’t exactly pretty, but I had quite a following...plain looking, yet robust in appeal...didn’t know much about the world, so the world came to me... I hugged it back...the silent, unassuming aura was a challenge to behold, like a rock smothered and smoothened at the edges by each passing wave...weathered, yet essentially strong.
I never dared ask him, but I thought a choice among the qualities I mentioned could be the reason why he and I stayed on for a couple of years...our love was nothing fancy, nothing formal...a special relationship that celebrated unsaid words like “I need you, stay for even just a while...”, or “I love you, I set you free..." and “I desire you, I understand your needs...” Unconventional, uncommitted...yet there was longing to hold on to each other, and be special friends for the rest of our lives.
At 29, the compelling presence of that 6-ft tall, dark and handsome frame was quite a handful...I used to stare in awe at that steady gait, seamless composure...picture perfect smile =) he was young and intelligent, that at times, it became imperative for people to talk behind him. Why? Because he was a prime mover, a hard-assed young executive who made things happen...
However, beyond the unique mixture of elegance and grunge, there lay a precocious, sensitive and romantic man... my jap-eyed lover who could have been my bridegroom...
I was contented that he was just there, someone whose wisdom inspired me to do better and reach far beyond my limits...someone whose love cannot be solely mine, yet that reality didn't stop me from loving him more...his love was like, inanely put, chocolate...chocolate that’s coating my tongue slowly...distinctly sweet at the tip, and as it runs through the sides, bitter yet, addicting...it was a lovely, carefree feeling...but I knew that it was fleeting, I had to douse myself with cold reality before someone else does it...
I had a perfect excuse, in fact, it was most convenient (that excuse made such an impact in my life, that until now, I find it hard to get up and undo the serious damage it has done, not only to myself, but also to most people I love...I deem not to mention it here as I’d digress sharply). Reckoning day came and I had to tell him...
We were inside his car and just like the heavy downpour outside, my heart welled-up in tears as I told him that I had to go...I thought I was the only one who’d weep...to my surprise, the gorgeous man beside me wallowed in tears! I didn’t think I was worthy, but then again, I took it that he really loved me too...someone actually loved me!
It’s been 10 years or so...I heard how he’s doing well in both his work and his family...I’m sincerely happy that I did what I had to do then...I couldn’t bear the thought that I could have caused him some inconvenience if I continued to cultivate what we had going on years ago. I may not be totally happy with what I have now, but then, happiness comes to those who can totally accept the things one couldn’t change...and make the most out of ugly situations...
I learned from that love of mine that life can’t be all too sweet, right? Just like chocolate, the best ones, for me, are those with a tinge of bitterness...short of...perfect!
i have seen Memoirs of a Geisha twice just recently. ofcourse, i've seen this movie before, read the novel to boot, but for some funny reason, i feel like a fan gasping in awe each time the Chairman made an appearance. i am an avid movie goer, but not so much of a fan, unlike my mom who can be ridiculously enthusiastic at times.
so what's with the Chairman? his masculine stance, his handsome gait, his gentle ways, so sure, so elegant...and yes, i must admit, he looks so much like someone who used to love me. i won't go into details, but it was a beautiful experience, much like being with the Chairman himself!
the video recaptures that lovely feeling.
to my Chairman, i wish you well. i am so different now, but i'm sure you'd be proud of what i've become. thank you for letting me go...