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Wednesday, June 04, 2008

The way the cookie crumbles






*What is your idea of perfect happiness?*
Stability… in relationships and in my financial dealings.

*What is your greatest fear?*
I fear a brutal death in the hands of some psycho…I think I watch too many movies.
And perhaps just like anyone, I would fear the loss of the lives of people who are dear to me. Enough said…the mere idea of these things happening makes me pause and see my life flash before me.

*Which living person do you most admire?*
No one. This question brings out the existentialist in me.



*What is the trait you most deplore in others?*
Being dishonest. “Honesty, is such a lonely word…everyone is so untrue…” Billy Joel must agree with me…the world is so full of chronic truth twisters, two-faced BS-ers, integrity seems to be a thing long forgotten!



*What is your greatest extravagance?*
Hmmm…nothing, as of yet…But when I come home to the Philippines in December this year, I know I’m going to be burning a lot of moolah!!! Hahahaha








*What is your favorite journey?*
I haven’t been to other places that much, although I can truly say that San Francisco tops my list.







Photo ©2004 Michael Slater Apr 2 2004


I guess I’m just a city person, the hustle and bustle and the busy commute of Manila is what I’m so used to, it’s what I grew up with. When I came to the US, San Francisco captured my heart as it is simply…different . Just like the melting pot that is Manila, there is an explosion of diversity happening in every corner…who will not miss little Italy, or Chinatown? And of course, there’s exotic Sausalito. It’s the noise and discombobulation that left me in awe. It has a character of its own, the sloping streets lined with eclectic (not to mention, very pricey) homes, and who would forget the famous SF Bay Bridge?



*On what occasion do you lie?*
Darn it…do I have to answer this? Although I can’t tolerate lying, I must admit that I have to garnish the truth sometimes…for the greater good, to maintain the peace, to delay the onset of an emotional burden for loved ones.


*Which living person do you most despise?*
My daughter’s dad.



*Which words or phrases do you most overuse?*
“Oh boy…” “Anak ng…” “Crap!”


*What is your greatest regret?*
Nothing. I am just thankful that the wheel of life is ever turning, and the things that I used to regret, have now been forgotten. All is good, and I’m hoping not to regret anything, ever, in this lifetime, again.


*Where and when were you the happiest?*
When I gave birth to my daughter…and the other one is a secret, deeply burrowed into my soul.






*What is your current state of mind?*
Haay, chaotic! Hirap maglipat ng bahay! hahaha

*If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?*
Geez…I dunno! Maybe I want the adipose cells gone???

*What do you consider your greatest achievement.*
I should correlate this to the first question. I don’t feel that I have achieved something worthy of bells and whistles, or maybe, I am just not satisfied with the things that I have done so far. I feel so mediocre sometimes, but I know I’m getting there…

Always a work in progress…that’s what I am.


*If you were to die and comeback as a person or a thing, what would it be?*
Parang gusto kong maging si Darna :)

*What is your most treasured possession?*
Most treasured…is that tantamount to the most expensive too??? Oh well, I guess it’s my truck hahaha

*What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?*
Bankruptcy and the loss of loved ones…although I have not experienced them (knock on wood!), I am praying that I don’t go jobless and broke, loveless and alone.

*Where would you like to live?*
Wherever my loved ones are!

*What is your favorite occupation?*
I loved it when I worked at that defunct, smalltime advertising agency. Product management agrees so much to my liking, I wish I can go back to doing it.

*What is your most marked characteristic?*
This is a toughie…I think…I’m relentless….KULIT!!!

*What is the quality you like most in a man?*
I like a man of character, a man who does what is right by God’s standards and not his own.

*What is the quality you like most in a woman?*
Endurance :)

*Who are your favorite writers?*
Gabriel Garcia Marquez; Pablo Neruda; Arthur Golden; Amy Tan; Lualhati Bautista; Mitch Albom


*Who is your favorite hero of fiction?*
SUPERMAN!!!!!

*Who are your heroes in real life?*
My heroes are the men and women who dedicate their lives helping the poor, the uneducated, the homeless, the hungry and the sick. Their names will never be told, but the service they do for their fellowmen has earned them a place in heaven.










What is that you most dislike?*
I dislike my ex-husband. Need I say more?

*How would you like to die?*
Quick and painless, in my sleep.

*What is your motto?*
Trust in the Lord for He is good!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

brooding

"the road to hell is paved with good intentions..."

too soon...

give me a break

wish you were here...

wish i was there...

deception...condescending...bleed

take me home.

Friday, March 07, 2008

"I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You"

I do not love you except because I love you;

I go from loving to not loving you,

From waiting to not waiting for you

My heart moves from cold to fire.


I love you only because it's you the one I love;

I hate you deeply, and hating you

Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love

for you

Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.


Maybe January light will consume

My heart with its cruel

Ray, stealing my key to true calm.


In this part of the story I am the one who

Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because

Ilove you,

Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.
-Pablo Neruda


The last time I wrote was exactly five months ago. I was preoccupied...but more than that, I've been going through excruciating emotional pain that, unfortunately, I must harbor alone in silence. The sacrifices that I take will be all worth it in the long run. Everyone will be happy, everyone except me. But then again, good things come to those who wait. I'm weary, trying to put sudden outbursts in check, feeling less human, a tad divine...not a hint of arrogance here, rather a sophisticated and modest way of accepting bitterness.

Meantime, I'm still very cognizant of the fine line between love and insanity. On which side of the line I am currently on is something that I'm quite irresolute about. I don't know if there's a chance for that elusive state of mind called bliss, but hope stands unwavered.

If you see me with a smile from ear to ear, give me a hug...behind the smile is a strong longing for assurance that everything, eventually, will be just fine.