Gerard Butler, huh? any specific reason why?

He's hot and gorgeous, I love his accent, and he's a fine actor :) the beard is so really sexy too lol

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/joycejimenez35

Sunrise

I saw a beautiful orange orb this morning as it started to slowly rise above the horizon, the morning lights peeked through the window slats and warmed up my cheeks...i squinted, but the sound of the waves was ever soothing...the cry of the seagulls echoing in fervor...the sights and sounds of nature at Sandbridge is one thing to behold...

I have a feeling it won't happen again...but the thought of it makes my heart sing :)

"And now the night
Will throw its cover down, on me again
Ooh, and if I'm right
It's the only way to bring me back...
to you."

Sway my way...

it had been days that I couldn't sleep well...tossed and turned, slept for less than three hours each night for three consecutive nights...something was hurting me and i knew I wanted to pour it out...but I couldn't...

i didn't plan to see you that night, but since i was in the area and needed to feed myself, i thought you may want to swing by so you can give me back the iPod. i guess by now you already know how my face contorts with my emotions...very transparent, very expressive. i don't like it because it gives me away...but i couldn't hide the sadness, the disappointment, the smarting deep down.

but hey, you were sensitive and saw all that...so you offered to talk...

it was nice of you to slide over the bean bag... it was nice to lean on something that will absorb all the negative vibes...but i still felt cold...inside and out...maybe it was just the room temperature, or the overwhelming cold brought by sadness...

i went around to go to your side...took your arm so i can lay my head on your strong shoulder, spooned up facing away from you...can't let you see me tearing...
i felt the warm hand slide over to my side...strong and reassuring, warm and comforting...i knew it...i couldn't hold back anymore, I had to let it off my chest.

warm tears started rolling down my cheeks...i sobbed silently...I felt a bit embarassed by that outburst, but i just couldn't help it...

then you slid your hand inside my jacket to warm my back...your palm on my skin felt so good...that hit the spot! and right there, right that very moment, i just had to release all the pent up emotions...i know you'd understand how a human being would need another at times like this...

i looked up to you, wiped my tears with my knuckles...just like a little girl who had lost her toy...with droopy sad eyes, all i can say was, "sorry...now i look ugly..." you smiled back and said..."no, you don't..."

you have a way of making me feel good...thank you...

"...And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart...
it's all because of you"

Black Ice

A most unusual event...a snow storm hit central Virginia. Two days ago, it rained and snowed incessantly...everyone got snowed in...well, almost everyone.

I thought you were just kidding. The mere idea of braving very dangerous conditions like this made me think that there's no way you could be serious about picking me up...not until two hours later...

You could have made it to NC for having traveled four hours back and forth. For a 20-yr old, braving a snow storm is called folly...but for a 39-yr old, you called it adventure.


I stood by the glass door facing the vast and sparkly whiteness that blanketed grazing land. As I felt your arms wrap around me in a sweet embrace, your towering presence filled me with calming warmth...your face pressed against my hair, my back to your robust chest...for a few minutes there, time stood still...and nothing seem to have mattered except you and me.

I thought it was unusual as this snow storm, for someone to risk driving for four hours through snow and rain. A test of patience and determination to press on...truly impressive...and for what? A prize that only you can understand and appreciate...valued beyond comprehension. But that's just you :)

You know how black ice forms underneath the frozen slush? It's transparent, very slippery and treacherous...just like you. When the sun comes back up, it will melt away, not to be noticed, as if it was never there in the first place...just like you.

Here's a song you should hear...for you, your creative hands, your strong spirit, and your restless mind.


Song For A Winter's Night

The lamp is burning low upon my table top
the snow is softly falling
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling
If I could only have you near to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands
I love on this winter night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
my glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page
the words of love you sent me
If I could know within my heart
that you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
upon this winter night with you

The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
the shades of night are lifting
The morning light steals across my windowpane
where webs of snow are drifting
If I could only have you near
to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
and to be once again with with you
To be once again with with you

*Now Winter Come Slowly

It was very nippy outside, half wished I didn't change into a green dress, tights and boots. I thought the boots would keep me warm, but the breeze was harsh against my thighs, sending some chills up my back and belly. Was it the cold that sent ripples to my gut, or was it the thought of having you sit right next to me?

I made it back to my SUV, turned on the heat, and headed towards your place...a song kept playing in my head...a sweet melody that tuned in with my mood.

The ride was pretty short, and as I pulled into your driveway, I told myself, good things are never made to last...but that's not for certain...If I turned away from this, I know I'd regret an eternity of not having known the wonder that was set before me.

You left the front door open so I ushered myself in...and there you were at the foyer, beaming with that smile...a little treat that takes me to heaven...and back :)

Guess by now you already know how attached I am to my iPod...the song was "Angel", one of the many Jack Johnson songs I listen to...the song was pretty, so I shared my earphones, drawing you closer...your hands wrapped around my waist, my arms around your strong shoulders...the song created this sweet, sweet rhythm that we swayed slowly to...those deep blue eyes staring back at me...you must have seen the void...

There was warmth in that encounter...fleeting, yet sweet. Now winter come slowly...I don't mind the inevitable cold you bring...meantime, I need to pause and keep this memory.




*Now Winter Come Slowly is a Sting song included in his new album If On A Winter's Night

Right Now

I must admit, I get this nervous feeling in my stomach each time a school year starts...and I've been doing this every year for the past 12 years. The anticipation heightens, the excitement is building up...so help me God.





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California Dreaming

Had gone through another one of those worst phases of my existence, but as always, I do not believe in sulking and counting sheep on those numerous sleepless nights (I still have them...need some valerian and hops to get at least 6 hours of shuteye). Instead, I thought it best to reconnect among long lost friends and relatives who live in the west coast. Well, before that, I had a week's stay in Brooklyn at my friends' humble studio, got enough stimuli to get me fired up for my two-month leisurely vacation in sunny California :)

to be continued...with pictures!

How to spot a sociopath

Extracted from an article by Robert Matthews in the Sunday Telegraph Review, May 4th 1997)

While such personality disorders as psychopathy, paranoia and obsession/compulsion all have strictly defined criteria, psychiatrists are still struggling to decide precisely what constitutes a socialised psychopath.

One of the more obvious characteristics of socialised psychopaths is that they give the impression of talking "at" you. Prof Jeremy Coid describes it as like being regarded as a cardboard cut-out. "Even in a sexual relationship with them, you are still just an object for their personal gratification," he says.


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The following questionnaire is based on research and experiences of socialised psychopaths. For each trait, decide if it applies to the person you suspect may be a socialised psychopath, fully (2 points), partially (1 point) or not at all (0 points).


Do they have problems sustaining stable relationships, personally and in business?

Do they frequently manipulate others to achieve selfish goals, with no consideration of the effects on those manipulated?

Are they cavalier about the truth, and capable of telling lies to your face?

Do they have an air of self-importance, regardless of their true standing in society?

Have they no apparent sense of remorse, shame or guilt?

Is their charm superficial, and capable of being switched on to suit immediate ends?

Are they easily bored and demand constant stimulation?

Are their displays of human emotion unconvincing?

Do they enjoy taking risks, and acting on reckless impulse?

Are they quick to blame others for their mistakes?

As teenagers, did they resent authority, play truant and/or steal?

Do they have no qualms about sponging off others?

Are they quick to lose their temper?

Are they sexually promiscuous?

Do they have a belligerent, bullying manner?

Are they unrealistic about their long-term aims?

Do they lack any ability to empathise with others?

Would you regard them as essentially irresponsible?
A score of 25 or above suggests strong psychopathic tendencies. This does not mean the person is a potential mass-murderer: socialised psychopaths are not mad, nor do they have to resort to violence. Even so, a close professional or emotional relationship with a socialised psychopath is likely to prove a damaging experience.

Inside the Mind of a Sociopath

This excerpt is from: "The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless vs. the Rest of Us" by Martha Stout Ph.D. (Broadway Books, New York, 2005, ISBN 0-7679-1581-X). Martha Stout is a clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School and elaborates on the tales of ruthlessness in everyday life based on her 25 years of practice as a specialist in the treatment of psychological trauma survivors.


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Imagine - if you can - not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern of the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken. And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools. Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs. Since everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless. You are not held back from any of your desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your cold-bloodedness. The ice water in your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience that they seldom even guess at your condition.

In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs of conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world. You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences, will most likely remain undiscovered.

How will you live your life? What will you do with your huge and secret advantage, and with the corresponding handicap of other people (conscience)? The answer will depend largely on just what your desires happen to be, because people are not all the same. Even the profoundly unscrupulous are not all the same. Some people - whether they have a conscience or not - favor the ease of inertia, while others are filled with dreams and wild ambitions. Some human beings are brilliant and talented, some are dull-witted, and most, conscience or not, are somewhere in between. There are violent people and non-violent ones, individuals who are motivated by blood lust and those who have no such appetites.

Maybe you are someone who craves money and power, and though you have no vestige of conscience, you do have a magnificent IQ. You have the driving nature and the intellectual capacity to pursue tremendous wealth and influence, and you are in no way moved by the nagging voice of conscience that prevents other people from doing everything and anything they have to do to succeed. You choose business, politics, the law, banking or international development, or any of a broad array of other power professions, and you pursue your career with a cold passion that tolerates none of the usual moral or legal encumbrances. When it is expedient, you doctor the accounting and shred the evidence, you stab your employees and your clients (or your constituency) in the back, marry for money, tell lethal premeditated lies to people who trust you, attempt to ruin colleagues who are powerful or eloquent, and simply steamroll over groups who are dependent and voiceless. And all of this you do with the exquisite freedom that results from having no conscience whatsoever.

You become unimaginably, unassailably, and maybe even globally successful. Why not? With your big brain, and no conscience to rein in your schemes, you can do anything at all.

Or no - let us say you are not quite such a person. You are ambitious, yes, and in the name of success you are willing to do all manner of things that people with conscience would never consider, but you are not an intellectually gifted individual. Your intelligence is above average perhaps, and people think of you as smart, maybe even very smart. But you know in your heart of hearts that you do not have the cognitive wherewithal, or the creativity, to reach the careening heights of power you secretly dreams about, and this makes you resentful of the world at large, and envious of the people around you.

As this sort of person, you ensconce yourself in a niche, or maybe a series of niches, in which you can have some amount of control over small numbers of people. These situations satisfy a little of your desire for power, although you are chronically aggravated at not having more. It chafes to be so free of the ridiculous inner voices that inhibit others from achieving great power, without having enough talent to pursue the ultimate successes yourself. Sometimes you fall into sulky, rageful moods caused by a frustration that no one but you understands.

But you do enjoy jobs that afford you a certain undersupervised control over a few individuals or small groups, preferably people and groups who are relatively helpless or in some way vulnerable. You are a teacher or a psychotherapist, a divorce lawyer or a high school coach. Or maybe you are a consultant of some kind, a broker or a gallery owner or a human services director. Or maybe you do not have a paid position and are instead the president of your condominium association, or a volunteer hospital worker, or a parent. Whatever your job, you manipulate and bully the people who are under your thumb, as often and as outrageously as you can without getting fired or held accountable. You do this for its own sake, even when it serves no purpose except to give you a thrill. Making people jump means you have power - or this is the way you see it - and bullying provides you with an adrenaline rush. It is fun.

Maybe you cannot be a CEO of a multinational corporation, but you can frighten a few people, or cause them to scurry around like chickens, or steal from them, or - maybe, best of all - create situations that cause them to feel bad about themselves. And this is power, especially when the people you manipulate are superior to you in some way. Most invigorating of all is to bring down people who are smarter or more accomplished than you, or perhaps classier, more attractive or popular or morally admirable. This is not only good fun; it is existential vengeance. And without a conscience, it is amazingly easy to do. You quietly lie to the boss or to the boss's boss, cry some crocodile tears, or sabotage a coworker's project, or gaslight a patient (or child), bait people with promises, or provide a little misinformation that will never be traced back to you.

Or now let us say you are a person who has a proclivity for violence or for seeing violence done. You simply murder your coworker, or have her murdered - or your boss, or your ex-spouse, or your wealthy lover's spouse, or anyone else who bothers you. You have to be careful, because if you slip up, you may be caught and punished by the system. But you will never be confronted by your conscience, because you have no conscience. If you decide to kill, the only difficulties will be the external ones. Nothing inside you will ever protest.

Provided you are not forcibly stopped, you can do anything at all. If you are born at the right time, with some access to family fortune, and you have a special talent for whipping up other people's hatred and sense of deprivation, you can arrange to kill large numbers of unsuspecting people. With enough money, you can accomplish this from far away, and you can sit back safely and watch in satisfaction. In fact, terrorism (done from a distance) is the ideal occupation for a person who is possessed of blood lust and no conscience, because if you do it just right, you may be able to make a whole nation jump. And if that is not power, what is?

Or let us imagine the opposite extreme: You have no interest in power. To the contrary, you are the sort of person who really does not want much of anything. Your only real ambition is not to have to exert yourself to get by. You do not want to work like everyone else does. Without a conscience, you can nap or pursue your hobbies or watch television or just hang out somewhere all day long. Living a bit on the fringes, and with some handouts from relatives and friends, you can do this indefinitely. People may whisper to one another that you are an underachiever, or that you are depressed, a sad case, or, in contrast, if they get angry, they may grumble that you are lazy. When they get to know you better, and get really angry, they may scream at you and call you a loser, a bum. But it will never occur to them that you literally do not have a conscience, that in such a fundamental way, your very mind is not the same as theirs.

The panicked feeling of a guilty conscience never squeezes at your heart or wakes you in the night. Despite your lifestyle, you never feel irresponsible, neglectful or so much as embarrassed, although for the sake of appearances, sometimes you pretend that you do. For example, if you are a decent observer of people and what they react to, you may adopt a lifeless facial expression, say how ashamed of your life you are, and talk about how rotten you feel. This you do only because it is more convenient to have people think you are depressed than it is to have them shouting at you all the time, or insisting that you get a job.

You notice that people who do have a conscience feel guilty when they harangue someone they believe to be "depressed" or "troubled." As a matter of fact, to you further advantage, they often feel obliged to take care of such a person. If, despite your relative poverty, you can manage to get yourself into a sexual relationship with someone, this person - who does not suspect what you are really like - may feel particularly obligated. And since all you want is not to have to work, your financier does not have to be especially rich, just relatively conscience-bound.

I trust that imagining yourself as any of these people feels insane to you, because such people are insane, dangerously so. Insane but real - they even have a label. Many mental health professionals refer to the condition of little or no conscience as "anti-social personality disorder," a non-correctable disfigurement of character that is now thought to be present in about 4 percent of the population - that is to say, one in twenty-five people. This condition of missing conscience is called by other names, too, most often "sociopathy," or the somewhat more familiar term psychopathy. Guiltlessness was in fact the first personality disorder to be recognized by psychiatry, and terms that have been used at times over the past century include manie sans délire, psychopathic inferiority, moral insanity, and moral imbecility.

The way the cookie crumbles

*What is your idea of perfect happiness?*
Stability… in relationships and in my financial dealings.

*What is your greatest fear?*
I fear a brutal death in the hands of some psycho…I think I watch too many movies.
And perhaps just like anyone, I would fear the loss of the lives of people who are dear to me. Enough said…the mere idea of these things happening makes me pause and see my life flash before me.

*Which living person do you most admire?*
No one. This question brings out the existentialist in me.

*What is the trait you most deplore in others?*
Being dishonest. “Honesty, is such a lonely word…everyone is so untrue…” Billy Joel must agree with me…the world is so full of chronic truth twisters, two-faced BS-ers, integrity seems to be a thing long forgotten!

*What is your greatest extravagance?*
Hmmm…nothing, as of yet…But when I come home to the Philippines in December this year, I know I’m going to be burning a lot of moolah!!! Hahahaha

*What is your favorite journey?*
I haven’t been to other places that much, although I can truly say that San Francisco tops my list.

Photo ©2004 Michael Slater Apr 2 2004

I guess I’m just a city person, the hustle and bustle and the busy commute of Manila is what I’m so used to, it’s what I grew up with. When I came to the US, San Francisco captured my heart as it is simply…different . Just like the melting pot that is Manila, there is an explosion of diversity happening in every corner…who will not miss little Italy, or Chinatown? And of course, there’s exotic Sausalito. It’s the noise and discombobulation that left me in awe. It has a character of its own, the sloping streets lined with eclectic (not to mention, very pricey) homes, and who would forget the famous SF Bay Bridge?

*On what occasion do you lie?*
Darn it…do I have to answer this? Although I can’t tolerate lying, I must admit that I have to garnish the truth sometimes…for the greater good, to maintain the peace, to delay the onset of an emotional burden for loved ones.

*Which living person do you most despise?*
My daughter’s dad.

*Which words or phrases do you most overuse?*
“Oh boy…” “Anak ng…” “Crap!”

*What is your greatest regret?*
Nothing. I am just thankful that the wheel of life is ever turning, and the things that I used to regret, have now been forgotten. All is good, and I’m hoping not to regret anything, ever, in this lifetime, again.

*Where and when were you the happiest?*
When I gave birth to my daughter…and the other one is a secret, deeply burrowed into my soul.






*What is your current state of mind?*
Haay, chaotic! Hirap maglipat ng bahay! hahaha

*If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?*
Geez…I dunno! Maybe I want the adipose cells gone???

*What do you consider your greatest achievement.*
I should correlate this to the first question. I don’t feel that I have achieved something worthy of bells and whistles, or maybe, I am just not satisfied with the things that I have done so far. I feel so mediocre sometimes, but I know I’m getting there…

Always a work in progress…that’s what I am.

*If you were to die and comeback as a person or a thing, what would it be?*
Parang gusto kong maging si Darna :)

*What is your most treasured possession?*
Most treasured…is that tantamount to the most expensive too??? Oh well, I guess it’s my truck hahaha

*What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?*
Bankruptcy and the loss of loved ones…although I have not experienced them (knock on wood!), I am praying that I don’t go jobless and broke, loveless and alone.

*Where would you like to live?*
Wherever my loved ones are!

*What is your favorite occupation?*
I loved it when I worked at that defunct, smalltime advertising agency. Product management agrees so much to my liking, I wish I can go back to doing it.

*What is your most marked characteristic?*
This is a toughie…I think…I’m relentless….KULIT!!!

*What is the quality you like most in a man?*
I like a man of character, a man who does what is right by God’s standards and not his own.

*What is the quality you like most in a woman?*
Endurance :)

*Who are your favorite writers?*
Gabriel Garcia Marquez; Pablo Neruda; Arthur Golden; Amy Tan; Lualhati Bautista; Mitch Albom

*Who is your favorite hero of fiction?*
SUPERMAN!!!!!

*Who are your heroes in real life?*
My heroes are the men and women who dedicate their lives helping the poor, the uneducated, the homeless, the hungry and the sick. Their names will never be told, but the service they do for their fellowmen has earned them a place in heaven.

What is that you most dislike?*
I dislike my ex-husband. Need I say more?

*How would you like to die?*
Quick and painless, in my sleep.

*What is your motto?*
Trust in the Lord for He is good!

brooding

"the road to hell is paved with good intentions..."

too soon...

give me a break

wish you were here...

wish i was there...

deception...condescending...bleed

take me home.

"I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You"

I do not love you except because I love you;

I go from loving to not loving you,

From waiting to not waiting for you

My heart moves from cold to fire.


I love you only because it's you the one I love;

I hate you deeply, and hating you

Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love

for you

Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.


Maybe January light will consume

My heart with its cruel

Ray, stealing my key to true calm.


In this part of the story I am the one who

Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because

Ilove you,

Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood. -Pablo Neruda


The last time I wrote was exactly five months ago. I was preoccupied...but more than that, I've been going through excruciating emotional pain that, unfortunately, I must harbor alone in silence. The sacrifices that I take will be all worth it in the long run. Everyone will be happy, everyone except me. But then again, good things come to those who wait. I'm weary, trying to put sudden outbursts in check, feeling less human, a tad divine...not a hint of arrogance here, rather a sophisticated and modest way of accepting bitterness.

Meantime, I'm still very cognizant of the fine line between love and insanity. On which side of the line I am currently on is something that I'm quite irresolute about. I don't know if there's a chance for that elusive state of mind called bliss, but hope stands unwavered.

If you see me with a smile from ear to ear, give me a hug...behind the smile is a strong longing for assurance that everything, eventually, will be just fine.

Born again in '07

The year went by so swiftly, I didn’t realize that it will be over soon. It was just yesterday that I struggled and agonized over my Intro to Algebra classes as a budding teacher in the American educational system. Now, I couldn’t believe that I went through summer school, taught the same course, and I’m doing the same crap all over again this schoolyear. I guess I have matured, made a few friends and learned the ropes of the trade that I’m not easily intimidated anymore.

I found inspiration to write about 2007 as it is a year of crossroads, firsts and a lot of trials for me. It was a baptism of fire, that a lot of times I found myself shocked, disoriented, or simply saddened by the fact that things/people are simply DIFFERENT. Sometimes, I would re-examine my motives for coming here, try to find some inner quiet and think in hindsight, am I strong enough to face all these? Is this worth all the pain that I’m trying to endure, the pain of being away from my loved ones?

One day, a friend said, “if you think you’re not strong enough to hack this, I suggest you go home…” That was my turning point. Like I said, it’s a dog eat dog world, one has to develop a strong defense mechanism to be able to survive. Whether you swim with or against the tide, you still got to swim and stay afloat.

On the flipside, while I have been trying to “stay afloat,” a lot of pleasant things happened to me too. I’m going to summarize and share with you some of the nicest things worth remembering, give you a visual of my “happy thoughts” . Boring as they may seem, please bear with my inanity :) Here goes…


January:


I have always been skeptic about online dating, but for some reason, I couldn't refuse an invite from this surfing paramedic for a dinner at Outback. It was on the 4th of January and that being a Thursday, it was a long day for me because aside from the fact that it's a regular school day, we had PTC that night until 8. At the back of my mind, beat as I was, I honestly felt there's something in this guy that must be worth all the trouble. He looked cute and fairly decent albeit the inappropriate attire (well, I thought, this is america and he can wear board shorts to a dinner date!) and the african roses was a pleasant surprise. We seem to have found each other interesting, so finally, we hit it off and started seeing each other almost everyday since.

The surfing paramedic took me to NY to see Mamma Mia at the Winter Garden, we strutted the streets of Manhattan, took the ferry to Liberty Island and back, he watched The Devil Wears Prada while I slept (and snored horrendously) halfway through, sang Eraserheads songs together…January was awesome, beautiful and sweet because of the surfer dude.


February:

For the first time in 22 years, I received a valentine gift. Artificial roses (so it’ll last a lifetime) with a teddy bear the size of my hand hugging the stem, a card and some chocolates…I always dreaded the advent of February because the past years’ experiences were too unkind, let alone painful. This year, the wheel of fate has turned…February is now worth looking forward to.

March:

I got an 88% passing rate (which later on became 94%) for my regular Algebra class state exam. Looking back, I thought I did shabbily. I know my students should have done better. When you’re a new teacher, everyone’s eyes are on you. A couple of parents belittled me, thinking that a brown skinned teacher with ridiculous accent can’t teach their kids. So, I traced my performance against everyone else's...and guess what? I faired pretty much like them! So I guess I've done pretty well...well enough to show that I fit in!

April:

Nothing really significant and noteworthy for this month...but as if bitten by the love bug, Will (the surfer dude) and I delighted in each other's company even more :)

May:

I had to trade in my 4runner and got myself a truck. I felt bad at first because I really loved the SUV, but my co-owner wanted to bail out for some personal reasons. Inasmuch as I liked the 4runner, I settled for something more practical, reliable and convenient to use. I’ve always been a truck lover, and the blue Tacoma is it for me :)

June:

June 2 was move-in day. Will and I found a nice apartment complex 3 miles away from the beach. We signed up for a single bedroom apartment with a nice view of a manmade pond at the front yard. The place is very cozy and quiet, except for the occasional jet noise that we already got accustomed to. Moving in with someone is a new experience for me that some people frowned at because they say it is unFilipino and not right. Well, my philosophy is “you can’t win them all!” and I’m simply trying to survive. June was adjustment month, but I’ve never been so happy since.

July:

Will’s one and only (11-yr old) daughter, Lauren, spent 3 weeks with us. Before we met, I was anxious and thought of how I should act around her, but reason told me that I should just be myself. It was a tad awkward at first, but after a couple of days since she arrived, the little girl warmed up to me and we enjoyed being together :) July was interesting, and so is Lauren.



August:

I received a commendation from my principal saying that 100% of my special education students passed the summer state exams. And perhaps because of this, the principal granted my request for a higher level class. Perseverance paid off in August.

September and October:

Nothing really significant has happened as of yet, but life with my partner seems to get more and more interesting every single day. I have never felt so good about going home in this little haven where I can do just about anything. Don't get me wrong though...there had been tough times too, but we all know there's nothing that two people who honestly care for each other cannot resolve.

2007 is about to come to a close and there’s a lot of things I’ve been thanking my Maker for. A good friend of mine who passed on two years ago found this prayer of thanks that I’d like to share with you.

"My Lord:I am thankful that I don't have everything I desire.
If I did, what would there be to look forward to?

I am thankful when I don't know something,
for it gives me the opportunity to learn.

I am thankful for the difficult times.
During those times I truly grow.

I am thankful for my limitations,
because they give me opportunities for improvement.

I am thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build my strength and character.

I am thankful for my mistakes.
They will teach me very valuable lessons.

I am thankful when I’m tired and weary,
because it means I've made a difference.

Lord, it is easy to be thankful for the good things,
But I also know that a life of rich fulfillment comes
to those who are also thankful for the setbacks,
for the trials, and for the tribulations..."

Good things happen to those who work hard and believe.
Here’s to a great and fruitful year! Cheers!

blooper of the year

let it speak for itself...

don't get me wrong though. i admire the hardwork and the intense enthusiasm that these kids put into what they do. the stunts are difficult (boy, no math equation can make me jump and make flips like that) and the routine altogether is awesome! but it's just that...

whoever fixed those cards probably wished he/she could hide into oblivion for the rest of his/her stay at the university. tsk, tsk, tsk...poor fellow...was probably having a bad day and decided not to give his/her 100%

but just the same, La Salle is La Salle! and the reason why people know it's mispelled is because La Salle IS tradition.

the pancit that never was

i set the alarm clock at 4 this morning so i can prepare the pancit canton that i'm contributing for today's FFF (fun food friday). thanks to the Sassy Lawyer's (aka ate Connie) food blog Pinoycook.net , i used her recipe for pancit canton, a simple gastronomic treat for the otherwise picky taste of my american colleagues. since this was my first time to cook canton, i knew i shouldn't settle for any recipe available online but ate Connie's. and yes, i was right ;)

fortunately, i have all the ingredients she mentioned except for the Philippine lemon and i don't have a dependable huge wok. i used to have an aluminum wok, but i had to give it up to the dumpster as it oxidized and i'm putting the blame on the hard water in the area. so i used my teflon pan and somehow managed to fit all the ingredients in. it was difficult to mix everything without ruining the vegetables' texture, so i figured the taste should make up for it. besides, i thought, the hint of sesame oil should give it that exotic flavor the americans don't usually find in their everyday food. and although it would have been nicer if i had Philippine lemon on the side, i settled for lemon wedges instead. i garnished the finished product with the lemon pieces on top, crossed my fingers and prayed that my friends would like it. *photo courtesy of "The Tasty Island: Honolulu Food Blog"

so when i got in this morning, i sat the aluminum pan full of pancit (the americans pronounce it as PUN'set)on top of the microwave oven inside the math office and wound up doing my usual preps for my first block class. i was preoccupied from the 1st down to the 3rd block. when i came back 4th block to see how much more was left, all the noodles were gone! kaput! what was left were the lemon wedges (just as when i remembered to tell them to use the lemon for extra flavor) and the pan.

i know i'm not a very good cook, but to put some extra effort into the food that i take to school for FFF (i.e. staying up late to prepare the ingredients and waking up extra early to cook them) is something that i'd do over and over for friends who appreciate food, good company and a lot of laughter. if and when i should leave Kempsville, i hope to be remembered not only for my teaching, but also for the nice little memories that i make with the people whose company i enjoy.

Boycott Manila Standard Today!

a place i can call home

it's august and now i'm on my second month here at our apartment (our, i.e. Will and myself). and even if we're only renting this place, i've been looking forward to coming home everyday. it's a bit strange because i've always regarded my parents' house as my home. in fact, while i was still married and lived independently (well, quite) with my ex and my daughter, i always thought that my homing device still sought for mom and dad.

marriage, i supposed to have given me my independence because my parents had let me deal with life's "complexities" on my own. they didn't encroach in my affairs nor question my decisions. i was on my own, felt alone and even thought they abandoned me. so it seemed that my only choice was to toughen up, be reponsible for my choices, accept what my ex and his parents planned to build...and regard it as my new home.

i thought i stepped in with the right foot. needless to say, i found out later that i treaded the wrong path. i tried to fit in a place that someone else created for me. however, as i have always said, i was a square peg in a round hole. it took me a while before i realized the oddity, but as God is my ally, He led me to find my place. here, in this little apartment, in this beautiful city, is where i feel it is.

approximately 3 miles away from the beach, the apartment is our little haven. it has an awesome view (the man-made lake at our frontyard has a calming effect), recreation areas and albeit the jet noise, the whole complex is nice and quiet most of the time. the unit itself is big enough for both of us. we try to make it clean and cozy, and with a lot of help from our friends and Will's family, pretty much we have all the stuff that we need. here are a few pictures that i took (with my aged motorola V3x) on our move in day:

the view from the living room

our fire place

the kitchen

our frontyard, by the dining area

the pool

after a day of hard work, the best thing about going home is enjoying the relaxing company of a loved one. and since we moved in, i've been looking forward to that every single day :)

post hoc

i have this compelling urge to re-post this entry that i made two years ago. maybe because i'm forgetting something...and i need to be reminded so i'd value myself more.

this is one of the most appreciated entries i've made.



“I don’t know how it is possible to love two people at the same time...” said the deep, reassuring voice...twelve years ago, I was totally skeptic as I pictured love to be singular, pure and devoted. He told me that I had a special place in his heart, when all the while, at the back of my mind, I didn’t think that I was even worthy of occupying a certain void in a man’s heart. Lust maybe? Could be...but love?

At 23, I wasn’t exactly pretty, but I had quite a following...plain looking, yet robust in appeal...didn’t know much about the world, so the world came to me... I hugged it back...the silent, unassuming aura was a challenge to behold, like a rock smothered and smoothened at the edges by each passing wave...weathered, yet essentially strong.

I never dared ask him, but I thought a choice among the qualities I mentioned could be the reason why he and I stayed on for a couple of years...our love was nothing fancy, nothing formal...a special relationship that celebrated unsaid words like “I need you, stay for even just a while...”, or “I love you, I set you free..." and “I desire you, I understand your needs...” Unconventional, uncommitted...yet there was longing to hold on to each other, and be special friends for the rest of our lives.

At 29, the compelling presence of that 6-ft tall, dark and handsome frame was quite a handful...I used to stare in awe at that steady gait, seamless composure...picture perfect smile =) he was young and intelligent, that at times, it became imperative for people to talk behind him. Why? Because he was a prime mover, a hard-assed young executive who made things happen...

However, beyond the unique mixture of elegance and grunge, there lay a precocious, sensitive and romantic man... my jap-eyed lover who could have been my bridegroom...

I was contented that he was just there, someone whose wisdom inspired me to do better and reach far beyond my limits...someone whose love cannot be solely mine, yet that reality didn't stop me from loving him more...his love was like, inanely put, chocolate...chocolate that’s coating my tongue slowly...distinctly sweet at the tip, and as it runs through the sides, bitter yet, addicting...it was a lovely, carefree feeling...but I knew that it was fleeting, I had to douse myself with cold reality before someone else does it...

I had a perfect excuse, in fact, it was most convenient (that excuse made such an impact in my life, that until now, I find it hard to get up and undo the serious damage it has done, not only to myself, but also to most people I love...I deem not to mention it here as I’d digress sharply). Reckoning day came and I had to tell him...

We were inside his car and just like the heavy downpour outside, my heart welled-up in tears as I told him that I had to go...I thought I was the only one who’d weep...to my surprise, the gorgeous man beside me wallowed in tears! I didn’t think I was worthy, but then again, I took it that he really loved me too...someone actually loved me!

It’s been 10 years or so...I heard how he’s doing well in both his work and his family...I’m sincerely happy that I did what I had to do then...I couldn’t bear the thought that I could have caused him some inconvenience if I continued to cultivate what we had going on years ago. I may not be totally happy with what I have now, but then, happiness comes to those who can totally accept the things one couldn’t change...and make the most out of ugly situations...

I learned from that love of mine that life can’t be all too sweet, right? Just like chocolate, the best ones, for me, are those with a tinge of bitterness...short of...perfect!


To my soulmate:

Honestly, I didn’t know you loved me too...

I had very fond memories of you...

Thank you so much.

the Chairman

i have seen Memoirs of a Geisha twice just recently. ofcourse, i've seen this movie before, read the novel to boot, but for some funny reason, i feel like a fan gasping in awe each time the Chairman made an appearance. i am an avid movie goer, but not so much of a fan, unlike my mom who can be ridiculously enthusiastic at times.

so what's with the Chairman? his masculine stance, his handsome gait, his gentle ways, so sure, so elegant...and yes, i must admit, he looks so much like someone who used to love me. i won't go into details, but it was a beautiful experience, much like being with the Chairman himself!

the video recaptures that lovely feeling.

to my Chairman, i wish you well. i am so different now, but i'm sure you'd be proud of what i've become. thank you for letting me go...