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Friday, July 01, 2005

just like bitter-sweet chocolate...



“I don’t know how it is possible to love two people at the same time...” said the deep, reassuring voice...twelve years ago, I was totally skeptic as I pictured love to be singular, pure and devoted. He told me that I had a special place in his heart, when all the while, at the back of my mind, I didn’t think that I was even worthy of occupying a certain void in a man’s heart. Lust maybe? Could be...but love?

At 23, I wasn’t exactly pretty, but I had quite a following...plain looking, yet robust in appeal...didn’t know much about the world, so the world came to me... I hugged it back...the silent, unassuming aura was a challenge to behold, like a rock smothered and smoothened at the edges by each passing wave...weathered, yet essentially strong.

I never dared ask him, but I thought a choice among the qualities I mentioned could be the reason why he and I stayed on for a couple of years...our love was nothing fancy, nothing formal...a special relationship that celebrated unsaid words like “I need you, stay for even just a while...”, or “I love you, I set you free..." and “I desire you, I understand your needs...” Unconventional, uncommitted...yet there was longing to hold on to each other, and be special friends for the rest of our lives.

At 29, the compelling presence of that 6-ft tall, dark and handsome frame was quite a handful...I used to stare in awe at that steady gait, seamless composure...picture perfect smile =) he was young and intelligent, that at times, it became imperative for people to talk behind him. Why? Because he was a prime mover, a hard-assed young executive who made things happen...

However, beyond the unique mixture of elegance and grunge, there lay a precocious, sensitive and romantic man... my jap-eyed lover who could have been my bridegroom...

I was contented that he was just there, someone whose wisdom inspired me to do better and reach far beyond my limits...someone whose love cannot be solely mine, yet that reality didn't stop me from loving him more...his love was like, inanely put, chocolate...chocolate that’s coating my tongue slowly...distinctly sweet at the tip, and as it runs through the sides, bitter yet, addicting...it was a lovely, carefree feeling...but I knew that it was fleeting, I had to douse myself with cold reality before someone else does it...

I had a perfect excuse, in fact, it was most convenient (that excuse made such an impact in my life, that until now, I find it hard to get up and undo the serious damage it has done, not only to myself, but also to most people I love...I deem not to mention it here as I’d digress sharply). Reckoning day came and I had to tell him...

We were inside his car and just like the heavy downpour outside, my heart welled-up in tears as I told him that I had to go...I thought I was the only one who’d weep...to my surprise, the gorgeous man beside me wallowed in tears! I didn’t think I was worthy, but then again, I took it that he really loved me too...someone actually loved me!

It’s been 10 years or so...I heard how he’s doing well in both his work and his family...I’m sincerely happy that I did what I had to do then...I couldn’t bear the thought that I could have caused him some inconvenience if I continued to cultivate what we had going on years ago. I may not be totally happy with what I have now, but then, happiness comes to those who can totally accept the things one couldn’t change...and make the most out of ugly situations...

I learned from that love of mine that life can’t be all too sweet, right? Just like chocolate, the best ones, for me, are those with a tinge of bitterness...short of...perfect!


To my soulmate:

Honestly, I didn’t know you loved me too...

I had very fond memories of you...

Thank you so much.

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

what you wrote is very touching and beautiful. love is a choice.... more than anything else. it is a choice which reaches out to another, expressed by emotions. this love you had was true though fleeting, deep though short-lived, liberating at the same time painful. he loved you very much... but knew that your love for each other could not continue further than it had and had to come to a close.
the memories will always be there bringing forth an occasional smile and sigh...the choice leaves behind lessons to learn...the thought of you will always come forth each time he takes a bite of bittersweet chocolate.

joyce said...

to anonymous,
that's really sweet...in hindsight, as I would always tell a good friend of mine, each person I meet is a unique encounter, and I'm truly thankful for each and everyone of them...but far beyond mere appreciation, my love for this man shall always be there. Giving him up to another entailed a lot of sacrifice that I had to endure in excruciating silence...nonetheless, I survived...he's still here, inside of me...i wouldn't count on waiting for another chance, but he's here to stay...
thanks for dropping by!

Anonymous said...

Edit naten. tas pede ng pang-youngblood.. hehe pekein na lang naten edad mo..

;)

memories will always be memories--with or without the person. For in remembering we could cherish the love we once had and feel like enjoying the moment over and over.

Painfully enthralling! And who wouldn't love the feeling?

-guess who?_ haha_

joyce said...

langya ka john!
pwede...pwede...
bawasan mo ng mga 10 years edad ko...hehehehe

teka, paki bagalan ang pag type ha? sumasakit tiyan ko sa yo eh...nakaka tensyon ka!

see you later!

BernicE said...

awwwww thats sooo sweeetttttt. hi miss joyce!

rolly said...

This piece is beautifully written, Joyce. Miss you!

joyce said...

yes, ja! it was an awesome experience, i wished it didn't have to end...

So, how's this cute little lady doing? i miss your writing too.


hi sir rolly!
aawwwww! hiya ako ;-) salamat po sa complement hehehehe

Anonymous said...

this is an excellent recollection and realization at the same time. letting go is really one of the toughest decisions man/woman (baka feminist ka eh…) could ever encounter since it entails a lot of psychological processes. I think you did a constructive move both for you and the person concern…. and I envy you for that…. Love is never selfish and “Love Actually” was a very good movie… :) (commercial lang...)

just enjoy the memories of the sweet-bitter chocolate and hope you’ll find a chocolate that will be truly sweet….

joyce said...

to anonymous,
the "art of letting go" is a prelude to archaic wisdom, a part of a musical drama that one ouidos on through life, until all systems hurt...and eventually, a perfect rhythm comes out of the blue, one ends up singing or picking up from a familiar refrain each time a new melody would play... then the song can be easily sung...
I'd try to see that movie :) thank you!

Dr. Emer said...

Hello Joyce! Long time no see. Sama ka ba sa next EB? I doubt it. Thanks for dropping by my site.

Great post. I think you can help more people if you become a "Dear Abby," or "Dear Joyce," to be more exact. There are many heartaches out there that need wonderful advice.

joyce said...

Hi Doc Emer!
gusto ko sumama! but you know, if only you can make it a weekend, i'd be very glad to join you!

as for helping others mend broken hearts through an advice column...hmmmmm...seriously, i'd give it a thought.

salamat sa pagbisita! :-)

ladywhitespirit said...

akala ko'y ang paglimot sa dating
pag-ibig ay paglaya, subalit 'di pala makasarili lang damdamin ko dat taym hehehe

mabuti naman nakapag blog ka na!

welkam bak:)

hister said...

What makes you think that the world gives arat's ass about your love story.You typical race-traitor.

hister said...

By the way sabi ni Joyce Jimenez gagawa daw siya ng film in Australia playing a mail-order bride.Sirang-sira na nga ang reputasyon ninyo, lalo mo pang gagatunggan,just to earn a few bucks kahit DEMEANING.Ang tatanga nyo talaga,no wonder hindi umuunlad ang bansa nyo...

joyce said...

hister:

first, my story is for the consumption of my friends and students...and i don't think you fall under any of those categories.

second, i am not a race traitor. if i go out of my country to work, it is obviously not tantamount to giving up my being Filipino. tignan mo muna sarili mo bago ka pumuna ng iba. marunong kang managalog, naiintindihan mo siguro ang sinasabi mo. why demean someone who is a Filipino like you? at kung hindi ka Pinoy at marunong kang managalog, what's in the language that draws you towards it to the point that you use it? just wondering...

third, i am an educator. there's nothing demeaning in that. kung galit ka sa mundo, sayang, di na kita pwedeng turuan dahil paalis na ko. pumunta ka sa blog ni tito rolly, baka matuto ka pa.

joyce said...

hi ladywhitespirit!

hey, i miss the bee-gees background music in your blog :-) pwede bang mag request na ibalik mo yun? at malalim kang managalog ha? hehehe...how are you girl?

kenji said...

I have a very short reading attention span... usually i skip the long ones, but this bitter-sweet chocolate? I read it twice!

LadyWhiteSpirit said...

yung beegees ko na bg sis nasa guestbook ko lang yun di ko tinatanggal kasi ayaw din patanggal ng dad ko 'eh.

salamat sa pagbisita mo din sa fallin'.

God bless :)

BernicE said...

hi miss joyce! how is everything? please update your blog so meron naman po akong masrecent balita about you! hows your daughter? hope youre doin great!

joyce said...

to kenji,
thanks for appreciating the story...it comes straight from the heart =) i've seen your blog. it's very interesting and witty. i'll look at it again just right after this. salamat sa pagbisita!

hi ladywhitespirit!
nakakatuwa naman dad mo! inggit talaga ako sa sounds mo...di bale, when i'm settled with all of my cares in the world, magpapa host na rin ako =)

hi ja!
i have something up my sleeve and still in the process of editing it. my daughter is okay, she's coping along well with all of the troubles that her dad and myself have brought on to her...kung makakapili lang siya siguro ng magulang...but she's growing up to be a very understanding and loving young girl...mana sa mama niya hehehehe

Amethyst said...

Hello, joyce! I came across your story while surfing the net aimlessly. It touched me like I can't describe. I love sob stories - don't know why - and yours makes me want to cry. I am not your friend, I know, but I feel close to you already.

Oh, boy! I know not where this goes but I just need to write something even if it says nothing. Mind if I ask how your going to the U.S. business is going? Hope I'm not intruding. Just trying to make the situation lighter between us - and obviously trying too hard. Hey, don't get bothered by the snide remarks. Some people just can't have better things to do.

joyce said...

hi amethyst!
do you know that an amethyst symbolizes sobriety and royalty? looks like you're one warm, intelligent individual who can easily understand human nature. i am pleased that you were able to connect...life stories are seemingly intimately intertwined because our nature is to love, to forgive and to see goodness through everyone. i am touched by your reaction =) thank you so much!

now about my leaving the country...i guess my God wants me to attend to some unfinished business and prepare me for the best time of my life. this is a classic case of a blessing in disguise: the embassy wouldn't give me a good schedule for the interview (aug. 30) when training starts on the 22nd! can you imagine the heartache that i felt when i know that everything's in place, yet there's always something that will not work accordingly, and things just seemingly turned sour. iyak ako nang iyak...the school wouldn't wait for me...but you know what? God is really so good that the board of education of that city where i'm supposed to go decided to retain my application in time for next school year! and the best thing about it is that a visa of a better category will be arranged for me. isn't that great? =) truly, when God closes a door, He opens a window...and what a humongous window at that! hahahaha

thanks for asking =) i think you're a good writer yourself.

Amethyst said...

well, what do ou know? never bothered to find out what amethyst stands for. it's my birhtstone, that was it for me. and now a stranger - but i sense a very deep person - reveals everything i don't know i was missing. surprises come from places most unexpected, don't they (and in strange packages)? been hearing much about blogging for quite sometime but never got to trying it until yesterday. and what a treasure i found in you. i noticed that you write with passion and in a way that it is quite uncommon.

perhaps you wonder why i said i felt close to you already. three reasons, i think; we are both pinoys, been through similar situations (please, don't let me elaborate - you know what i mean), and quite frankly you have a way with words that makes me want to read everything you write.

and yes, God opens a window when he closes a door. in your case perhaps, he closed the window to keep the typhoons out. the US Atlantic seaboard is in the midst of the hurricane season right now (in case that's where you're headed). His door is wide open for you to get in and wait for the storms to pass. and while you're at it be content in the thought that He is busy doing His end of the bargain. it's not often that an opportunity such as you have comes along so be ready for it.

then maybe you will have more things worth writing about. i sure will love to read more of those... hahaha!!! one minute i sound like a big sister, the next i'm like a kid about to chomp on a chocolate. Good luck!!!

till we meet, baka sakali. just to let you know... i am in Maryland. keep me posted, will you? if it's not too much asking, that is.

Amethyst said...

and forgive the errors; the "ou" in the first line is "you", delete "it" in the last line of the 1st paragraph, and add "bar" after "chocolate" near the end. in case you see more, well, just say imperfections are what make life from becoming a boring routine.

joyce said...

hi amethyst!
i was introduced to blogging by one of my professors in my MA class. it's supposed to be used as a tool for students so they can write down the things that they like or not like about a particular topic. it's reflective learning, as they put it. Now since kids are more likely to be glued unto the computer, why not make writing journals more enjoyable by using html? well, i used blogging as a teaching tool, but i enjoy pouring out my own relfections online, specially that i got to meet plenty of wonderful people who are exceptional writers themselves! i suggest you start blogging now and i'll introduce you to my blogkada =)

hey, i'll be going to virginia beach! magkalapit lang tayo :-) i'm sure i'll get the chance to see you next year =)

thank you so much for the kind and inspiring words...and don't worry about the errors. i hardly noticed them as i am enticed by the way you express yourself.

start blogging, amethyst! keep me posted =)

Amethyst said...

virginia beach!!! that's only a stone's throw away. actually, it's three hours and some change away. you really are going to see me?

you're aquarian, i'm aquarian. that means we have the same birthstone. we have more in common, then. got the info from your profile.

posted my first blog already. it's about the day i discovered your blog...and it's for you.

still trying to figure out how to enrich my page. it may take a while before i can make it more visitor-friendly. just found out i'm not as tech-savvy as i want to be.

that's it for now. i'll keep you posted. have a good day.

joyce said...

yes amethyst, it's spitting distance from where you are =) and yes, if i don't bore you enough with my writing, we may continue this virtual communion and see each other someday!

alam mo, thrilled naman ako diyan sa ginawa mong yan...you really wrote something about me? well, it's not too common that people will appreciate one's writing in the same way you would...thank you very, very much! I'm happy that you got inspired by the writing that you started writing yourself! And guess what I just realized...that people appreciate other people more when they see what's inside through one's writings. In the process, there's better understanding of the person.

You're one excellent writer...keep on scribbling!

joyce said...

Dear EA,

thanks for texting and having been able to visit this site, even without my invitation as i haven't heard from you for the longest time. i appreciate your openness, telling me that you can relate.

i understand how difficult it is to fight back feelings of liking for someone else. i pray that you remain steadfast in your love for your family, even as you cross the border and see what lies beyond. oftentimes, "going beyond" is an adventure that recreates a person...what you will become is a matter of choice. you're a good person, you won't go wrong.

take care always.

joyce

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