post hoc

i have this compelling urge to re-post this entry that i made two years ago. maybe because i'm forgetting something...and i need to be reminded so i'd value myself more.

this is one of the most appreciated entries i've made.



“I don’t know how it is possible to love two people at the same time...” said the deep, reassuring voice...twelve years ago, I was totally skeptic as I pictured love to be singular, pure and devoted. He told me that I had a special place in his heart, when all the while, at the back of my mind, I didn’t think that I was even worthy of occupying a certain void in a man’s heart. Lust maybe? Could be...but love?

At 23, I wasn’t exactly pretty, but I had quite a following...plain looking, yet robust in appeal...didn’t know much about the world, so the world came to me... I hugged it back...the silent, unassuming aura was a challenge to behold, like a rock smothered and smoothened at the edges by each passing wave...weathered, yet essentially strong.

I never dared ask him, but I thought a choice among the qualities I mentioned could be the reason why he and I stayed on for a couple of years...our love was nothing fancy, nothing formal...a special relationship that celebrated unsaid words like “I need you, stay for even just a while...”, or “I love you, I set you free..." and “I desire you, I understand your needs...” Unconventional, uncommitted...yet there was longing to hold on to each other, and be special friends for the rest of our lives.

At 29, the compelling presence of that 6-ft tall, dark and handsome frame was quite a handful...I used to stare in awe at that steady gait, seamless composure...picture perfect smile =) he was young and intelligent, that at times, it became imperative for people to talk behind him. Why? Because he was a prime mover, a hard-assed young executive who made things happen...

However, beyond the unique mixture of elegance and grunge, there lay a precocious, sensitive and romantic man... my jap-eyed lover who could have been my bridegroom...

I was contented that he was just there, someone whose wisdom inspired me to do better and reach far beyond my limits...someone whose love cannot be solely mine, yet that reality didn't stop me from loving him more...his love was like, inanely put, chocolate...chocolate that’s coating my tongue slowly...distinctly sweet at the tip, and as it runs through the sides, bitter yet, addicting...it was a lovely, carefree feeling...but I knew that it was fleeting, I had to douse myself with cold reality before someone else does it...

I had a perfect excuse, in fact, it was most convenient (that excuse made such an impact in my life, that until now, I find it hard to get up and undo the serious damage it has done, not only to myself, but also to most people I love...I deem not to mention it here as I’d digress sharply). Reckoning day came and I had to tell him...

We were inside his car and just like the heavy downpour outside, my heart welled-up in tears as I told him that I had to go...I thought I was the only one who’d weep...to my surprise, the gorgeous man beside me wallowed in tears! I didn’t think I was worthy, but then again, I took it that he really loved me too...someone actually loved me!

It’s been 10 years or so...I heard how he’s doing well in both his work and his family...I’m sincerely happy that I did what I had to do then...I couldn’t bear the thought that I could have caused him some inconvenience if I continued to cultivate what we had going on years ago. I may not be totally happy with what I have now, but then, happiness comes to those who can totally accept the things one couldn’t change...and make the most out of ugly situations...

I learned from that love of mine that life can’t be all too sweet, right? Just like chocolate, the best ones, for me, are those with a tinge of bitterness...short of...perfect!


To my soulmate:

Honestly, I didn’t know you loved me too...

I had very fond memories of you...

Thank you so much.