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Saturday, March 12, 2011

We Saw Our Worlds Through Different Spectacles


"Hindsight is always 20/20..." That's what the priest had said. 
Looking back, I take stock of things and ask myself about pain...
Now everything is crystal clear...
Pain is what I brought  upon myself because I had a choice.
I chose to continue seeing you despite knowing the truth.
I chose to love you and tried to love you as a friend...but the heart can't be taught.

You made me feel special because that's what you thought was appropriate.
No...it would have been better if we just acted upon our instincts and did not share endearing moments.
Afterall, we're biological beings...
But we're also feeling beings...

When you had put your hand in mine, you called it touch...
When you rubbed my hand with your fingers, I call it comfort.

When you knelt in front of me to remove my shoes, you called it duty.
When you did it in purpose, time and again, I call that gallantry.

When you cooked dinners and shared recipes, you thought that was friendship...
When you reached over to put food in my mouth, I felt it more like bliss.

When you had let me sit beside you to watch a movie, you called that entertainment...
When you pulled me down to lay my head on your thighs, rubbed my arms with your fingers, shouldn't I call that affable kindness?

When we were alone and intimate, you called that a "need".
When you had put your arms around me, and nuzzled on my neck, there was overpowering warmth.

When you asked to be picked up, you said it was a returned favor...
Oh I was so happy to oblige...didn't think you can be vulnerable.

Comfort...Gallantry...Bliss...Kindness...Warmth...Vulnerability...
This list can go on as we saw our worlds through different spectacles.

Too bad...you didn't see with your heart, Kerry W.

Until one of us goes blind and decides to depend on what the other sees, I surmise that I shall never see you again, my friend.  My tears aren't enough to drown this truth in my consciousness.  It's a quiet chaos that pinches my heart each time a memory flashes before me.  I beg you...eleven months is not easy to erase.  I move on with uncertainty, pushing this feeling aside, as if I can contain it.

We saw each other's world through different spectacles.  We'll never see eye to eye.
The feeling is raw...it's real...it's about to succumb.

Let it not resurface.

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