Fish

Monday, October 31, 2005

"Death's shadow only fades little by little as time passes...

There will never be more than a thin glass barrier between your present and the wreckage of your past..." - Wei Hui, Shanghai Baby






this year, death is nothing more like a surreal and relentless nightmare that knocked on the door of three significant people in my life...i never felt so much loss, most specially after having severed my 9-yr relationship with my daughter's father. when someone passes, those who are left behind dwell on thoughts like "i could have done this...i should have told him/her that...". these are the very things that keep us attached to those who went on to exist in the after life. admittedly, i've had my regrets...

Ray, Rammel and Pepot...i would have told you these, but i'm sorry...so sorry i wasn't able to.

Ray, when i saw you helpless and in coma, had there not been anyone else in that room, i would have embraced you tight, tight enough to let you feel the warmth emanating from me... and would have whispered to your ear endless chants of hope, love, forgiveness. i know you heard my voice while i was talking. gut feel told me that you made a facial muscle twitch to signal that you heard me, that you acknowledge my presence. my irog, i'm sorry i didn't have the strength to hold you...but i thank you dear for letting me "see" you just before you went, for letting me "feel" this unique connection that we had...to this day, i'm haunted by your smile, your reassuring voice, your gentle touch. but i'll have to move on eventually...i can hear you now saying, "i know..."

Rammel, i have a lot to feel sorry about. jonah wanted to tell you how your father loved you dearly...jonah met him in Chicago in 1996. he told him that while he was still here in the Philippines, he'd drop by your school and looked at you from a distance, wanting to hold you near and tell you how much he loved you. but he was in hiding, and you knew that. perhaps you two met already, wherever you are now. forgive us for not letting you know for the simple reason that we don't want to hurt your mom...not anymore...she's been through a lot and one more blow would just be way too much. Meng, it felt good that i was able to bring you that cold drink when you wouldn't take in anything because it was too painful in the stomach...it felt good when you held my hand, held it like you never did before, a touch that made me realize that you're trying to communicate what you couldn't say as it was too painful to talk (you wanted to tell me how thankful you were, right? for bringing you that drink, for running errands for your mom, for taking care of you even if it meant not sleeping at all during the day...that was the most i could do and i wish i was able to do more)...i understood what you meant, and i won't ever forget that moment.

Pepot, you never knew how thankful i am that you knew my pain, my prayers...and you prayed with me...when i told you that i had to leave my daughter's father, you didn't point a finger at me...no judgments, no hasty conclusions...you stood by me, you believed in me, you made me feel that no matter what i was going through, you were there, praying for me...i'm sorry i didn't know you were in pain...i'm sorry i didn't get the chance to give back to you everything that you've done for me...i didn't even know that you were in great physical pain while i whined about the hardships i went through just recently; you didn't even tell me that you were alone...had i been there, would you have lived longer?

having written all these, i go on with my life, mending relationships with those who are left behind...creating ways that would make others feel that i value them...exerting much effort to let my loved ones know how much i care for them...

i won't shed another tear of regret. the past will always be a part of me, its wreckage an integral dimension of my being...that won't change...with my loved ones' passing, life begins with those who are still living.

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joyce said...

hello lws!!!
what's keepin you busy girl? cute na naman ng blog mo ha =)