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Saturday, January 15, 2005

Tonight I can Write - a reflection on Pablo Neruda's work

by: Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

there are nights really, that even when the sky is clear and the stars are out, a certain feeling of sadness envelopes me...it's the feeling of emptiness and being alone when a moonlit sky like that should be viewed upon by lovers intertwined in a sweet embrace.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

yes, inasmuch as i can still feel the hurt and misery he gave me, i loved him...and sometimes, i felt that he loved me, too...he's a workahalic and dearly loved his profession...he's responsible (ah, no question about that!) and there was always food on the table. but that's all he did...his work, his parents and his other one were all that mattered to him...he forgot that he had a wife, too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

our marriage lasted for a good nine years...but only because i chose to stay. the last 5 years i slept alone, hugged only the softness of the pillows beside me...unfortunately, the pillows never hugged back...and only the cold concrete wall stared back as i cried through those nights.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing.

In the distance.My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

it's been a while since i left his house. the first few days, i felt triumphant, that finally i succeeded in leaving him...that finally, i had the strength to say "no more"...however, the years that i spent with him, no matter how excruciating, somehow left a loving imprint carved deep within me. yes, he's hurt me so...but he'll stay with me for until when, i don't know.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.


i can still hear the priest's voice telling us during our canonical interview that when a man and a woman are joined in marriage, they're no longer two different people...they become one in the union made by God, though their individualities still kept intact. he probably sacrificed part of his individuality, inasmuch as i also did. although i felt that i sacrificed more of mine than he, the dictates of love was there...i didn't ask for more than he could show. and no matter how undemonstrative he was, i clutched unto hope that he probably loved me, too.

Another's. She will be another's.

As she was before my kisses. Her voice, her bright body.

Her infinite eyes.

another's...i can't speak of what has happened, but nevertheless, i have let it happen. i didn't fight for what was mine...for i also felt that we're no longer meant for each other.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer

and these the last verses that I write for her.

memories are what we make of these relationships...we gain love, we lose love...we get hurt, we feel pain, we fight back...we exult in victory, be resilient in defeat...all these...all these we can suffer and survive...they'll all pass, but memories will stay behind.

To the man i loved, thank you for these memories. i shall hold on to them even when...i become another's.

44 comments:

ajay said...

hello joyce. wow! i love neruda..di ko lang mabili ang book nya kasi mahal,haha. mukhang serious itong muni-muni. in love ka ba ngayon, nostalgic lang o dahil malapit na ang valentine's day? hehe. regards

Major Tom said...

Hi joyce,

this is the first time i checked your blog although youve been quite known in the blog world.

This is a tour de force in poetry that is why P. Neruda is always a named to beckoned.

red_door8 said...

senti mode ah.. =)

joyce said...

hi ajay!

hahaha! i love the feeling of being in love...and Neruda's just so romantic i can't help but remember this beautiful feeling...nakakakilig :)
date naman tayo!

joyce said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
joyce said...

hi karlaaaaa!!!

kumusta na? sorry, sobrang busy po ako at di makasulat (ergo, di rin makabasa...hehehe). ay naku, yang senti mode is a form of release! kaka agit trabaho sa skul...PAASCU accreditation is just around the corner and we're squeezing our brains to come up with the "best" performance of our lives!
ingat ka!

Mike said...

And how Death is that remedy all singers dream of, sing, remember,
prophesy as in the Hebrew Anthem, or the Buddhist Book of An-
swers--and my own imagination of a withered leaf--at dawn--
Dreaming back thru life, Your time--and mine accelerating toward Apoca-
lypse,
the final moment--the flower burning in the Day--and what comes after,
looking back on the mind itself that saw an American city
a flash away, and the great dream of Me or China, or you and a phantom
Russia, or a crumpled bed that never existed--
like a poem in the dark--escaped back to Oblivion--
No more to say, and nothing to weep for but the Beings in the Dream,
trapped in its disappearance,
sighing, screaming with it, buying and selling pieces of phantom, worship-
ping each other,
worshipping the God included in it all--longing or inevitability?--while it
lasts, a Vision--anything more?

joyce said...

hi mike!

honestly, i can't fathom exactly what's in your mind for saying these things...and i hope you forgive me.
but for whatever it's worth, i may have "died" quite a number of times in my lifetime, searched for answers for everything that i've suffered...but then again, it's part of my God's great plan to make me the person that i am now...and i'm really happy for what i've become.
thanks for dropping by!

abbey_untamed heart!=) said...

soulsistah!=) i know how u feel...sabi nga ni Leo Buscaglia--"we are all so much together and yet we're all dying of lonelines" but we have to hold on to our sanity..life goes on with or without us consciously living it, the choice is yours..pag malungkot ka--yakapin mo yun lungkot wag mong labanan...pagkatapos mong maranasan ang lungkot...dun mo lang mararamdaman na andyan lang SYA! Hindi tayo mag-isa.. the Sower of dreams...Master of the endless sky is with us! THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE even when we feel that there's none=) Cheer up! Ang ganda ng buhay ay nasa tumitingin! LiVe!!

red_door8 said...

and yeah PAASCU.. naks.. hehe
=)

joyce said...

hi abbey!
yes dear soulsistah...i've learned to live with it! kaya ngayon, ang haba ng buhok ng lola mo! hehehehehe
Cheers!

joyce said...

naku karla!
kung alam mo lang! hehehe...but it will all be worth it!

mari said...

i feel nostalgic :)

joyce said...

yes mari...Neruda's works have this compelling force that will let you drift into a reverie...that'll either make you smile, or even shed a tear.
thanks for dropping by :)

red_door8 said...

yeah.. :) then you can all tell us how rewarding it feels naks.. hehe :)

BernicE said...

very nice...

haaaaaaaay feels like...haaaaaaaaay..(sigh again)

joyce said...

hi ja!

yup! nakaka "haaaaaaaaay" talaga itong si Neruda! hehehe
turuan mo naman akong mag lagay ng audio clip dito oh, please? =) thanks in advance...

ps...nalalast song syndrome talaga ako hanggang ngayon dun sa stupid cupid mo hehehe...lagay mo ulit, if only for feb 14 lang! hehehe...

joyce said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
joyce said...

hello Mr. Masdal!

thanks for dropping by! indeed, Neruda is a name to beckon with...his work transcends time and space :)

Anonymous said...

I am a Neruda fan too. But what caught my attention are your personal and thoughts and admired your honesty.

Anonymous said...

SONNET XVII - PABLO NERUDA

I don not love you as you were salt-rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are tobe loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plannt never blooms
but carries itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when or from where
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other way.

than this:where I does not exist nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep

BernicE said...

wahehheehe last song syndrome? hahaha ill bring stupid cupid back for february :) hay miss joyce you could look up at http://iwebmusic.com :) lotsa wma to choose from hehehe enjoy!

Jet said...

To think that I have Neruda but haven't read it yet. This will make me do just that.

This was really lovely, Joyce. :)

Dr. Emer said...

Hello Joyce. Great, great, great post.

"Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her."

Does he still love you as much he did when he married you? Correct my innocence but I believe that no marriage can be broken if there's enough love to sustain it. True love is bearing all the pain that goes with it....because imposibleng mawalan ng pain at away sa isang relasyon. Somebody coined the phrase, "loving until it hurts," and I think it was meant for two people in a relationship. Of course, dapat pareho kayong magtatrabaho. Failure of one means failure of both.

The saddest lines are our late realizations of true colors, our discoveries of betrayal, and our admission of our own weaknesses.

Be happy where you are. I pray you find the man who will love you more than he did.

joyce said...

hi bernice!
thank you so much! i'll await for that Stupid Cupid theme and play it over and over! hehehe

joyce said...

hi jet!
o di ba? Neruda was introduced to me by my best friend...alam mo na, parehong bigo hehehe...but he's works are so addicting and powerful, you won't stop reading...read it with fafa jay!

joyce said...

anonymous,
do i know you? :) i sent that sonnet to a very special friend...i'm glad you like Neruda :)

joyce said...

doc emer,
thank you so much for that kind remark :) alam mo, di ako naiyak nung sinusulat ko yan...when i saw your comment, may kumurot sa puso ko...i had to shed a tear.

Anonymous said...

No we never met, was enjoying the blog of batjay and saw your link..by the way i also gave that poem to my bestfriend..until now best of friends pa rin

joyce said...

dear anonymous,

i guess you thought it was the real joyce jimenez =) hehehe...sorry about that

BatJay said...

i've used a lot of neruda lines in my spiderman site. nakita mo na ito? hehehe... bagay na bagay kasi yung new zealand settings na kuha ni spiderman sa mga linya ni neruda.

joyce said...

hehehe...
hi jay! yes, i've seen the spiderman chronicles...pero laf-trip talaga si ultra man and his mate...hehehe

joffin said...

hello joyce!
thanks for dropping by in my site. i have heard of you through tito rolly. and from reading your last post, mas lalo akong humanga dahil math teacher ka. i am, to say the least every math teacher's nightmare. ayoko kasing matuto ng math... i have a lot of respect for all math teachers though.
i see you're reading Sophie's World, ang galing ano?! That book is one of my top faves.
pasensya na kung probing... nakikisimpatiya naman ako sa kalungkutan mo. ako rin married na, so far so good naman kami ni hubby. pero alam mo, ang marrriage ang isa sa mga parte ng buhay ko na may doubts ako, pano kasi produkto ako ng broken home. pero ika nga nila, to each his own.
mabuti yan may artistic outlet ka para sa iyong nararamdaman.

joyce said...

hi joffin!
alam mo, ang galing ng site mo...kasi, kaya mong...magsulat nang walang pangingilagan! hehehe...i started in may last year, but that had to stop due to some compelling reasons that can possibly jeopardize my profession as math teacher.
and speaking of math...sayang lang, noong panahon natin, di pa lumalabas yung theory ni gardner on MI...hehehe...kaya yung mga teachers nating makaluma, eh walang alam gawin kundi drill and practice. kaya inaayawan ang math noon. pero kung ngayon tayo mag-aaral, i think we'd have a different attitude towards the subject...what do you think? =)
thank you so much for commiserating =) at salamat sa pagpasyal!

watson said...

Hello Joyce! I've heard of Neruda a couple of years back from a colleague here in the office. *sigh* Melodic musings pala ang work nya, and you reflected it so well here. I wish you the best!

joyce said...

hi watson!
galing ni Neruda no? check out his sonnets!

BernicE said...

hey miss joyce:)

this entry...is purely sigh* haaaaaaay...hmmmm

well...love will come. by the way, i saved this entry as one of my favorites. :)

Jules said...

hi! good entry! i didnt realize that Neruda was a romantic. I thought he was emotionally detached just like his fello Chilean, Agusto Pinochet. Btw, watch IL POSTINO (the postman)... it's about the life of Neruda when he was in exile. I dunno kun may pirated nun. fantastic film, similar to cinema paradiso.

joyce said...

hi doc!
yes, i would love to have a copy of that movie =) it's about this postman who used to deliver Neruda's mails, would sometimes use Neruda's poems for his love interest =) though in the end, he was able to write his own...kakakilig =)
thanks for dropping by!

Svelte Rogue said...

hi joyce. you have a way of writing that pulls me into your posts.

i used to love this poem. i taught it in my classes. i dedicated this to a man i loved for a long time... took me 8 long years to get over him. some of neruda's other poems were dedicated to me just a couple of years ago when my relationship was in the darkest of places, on the brink of dissolving.

you don't know it, joyce, but you have touched something within.

joyce said...

hi rogue!
thank you...and yes, this is also dedicated to the man who gave me the strength to be the person i am now...what i went through may be unthinkable, but it's shaped me into someone i never really was...
thanks for dropping by!

joyce said...

i came across your blog dahil... ala kaming class at first blogger's conference na bukas kaya ako nagsurf para magregister... sa kabubukas ng links napunta ako dito at ala akong masabi.. galing...

joyce said...

hi joyce!
thanks for the random act of fate of bringing you here to my site =) please do inform me about your blog. thank you!

ikong said...

pagbati mula sa isang kapwa mangingibig ng mga tula ni neruda. mabuhay ka!