tis written for me...

as angels cry, blood and life ravaged,
heading whirled psyches to destruction
leads me back to the bleak grounds of dry furrows,
to a world beyond the hands of obscurity
from seeping withered scowls come
the shackles of misery
chafing my heart's silent lesions
whilst time meanders like mantras skewing the ears
and dealing dour hours destined to fill eternity
you are bound to ascend to where the clouds reign,

my Magdalene
a woman no one, but I , can ever set free
faint for me

and I shall make you breathe a new life-
for your blood is my wine
your body, my earth
your breath, my air
and your life-
my fire...
i am burning for you,

my Magdalene
i am burning for you

- JRS

to move in or not to move in, that is the question

some weeks back, this guy that i've dated asked if i can move in with him. being new in this culture, i was surprised and didn't know exactly how to react. i didn't think i'd get such an offer ever in my life. look, it's not the same as a marriage proposal and so therefore, i had to think hard about how to react lest i might say something that i'd regret in the future.

i thought really long and hard, and although this type of proposal seem normal to this culture due to the very busy lifestyles that people live, my emotions battled with my pride, my wants with my values. since my divorce, i keep my vulnerability in check and am now more careful not to jump the gun. i've had mistakes, tried to redeem myself by doing the right thing, but i ended up losing a few things here and there. and so i thought, better not to let emotions overwhelm me, to think of repercussions than be merry now and suffer greater heartaches later.

and so you may have guessed it, i told him that i can't move in with him. i gave him very specific reasons and just today, i gave him another set because today, i said goodbye. we rarely had time for each other, he got back to me saying that's one of the reasons why he made the offer. he knew all long that he'd be busy, doing two jobs at a time, and shifting from his current job to a new one. it looks like it's my fault that we didn't have time to be together, but i don't feel that way at all. and at the back of my mind, i know there's another reason why our days together dwindled...well that's another story.

moving in with someone sounds really fun and exciting, but minus the commitment, for me, it spells H-E-A-R-T-A-C-H-E. if i'd be in that situation, it'll be comfortable to have someone right next to me to satisfy my needs without strings attached. no need to exert any effort at all. that'll render the person expendable and without commitment, if the other person screws up (pardon the colorful language my dear students), i can easily have a backdoor and slip out of a relationship just like that. very convenient huh?

but i'm not taking it against him that this happened to us. he has his reasons, this is the culture he grew up with. i'm not saying that he's wrong and that i'm right. it's just that the things i value are different from his. and who knows? if we were together, things could have worked out fine and he and i are now probably doing great as a couple...so probably i'm wrong that i didn't give it a chance...

the bottom line is, i thought of how that situation would fit into my value system. i'm not perfect and i don't smell like a rose either, so my set of values and friends help me make decisions that will not only do good for me, but for other people as well.

two weeks and i'll be over this, you'll see :)

meantime, i'll look for this Kingdom Hearts DVD featuring Captain Jack Sparrow :)

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lusty over red?

last week, a co teacher was telling a story about how her husband got so hot after seeing red sheets covering the matrimonial bed. she said he found it so sexy that he pulled her to bed right there and then, and ofcourse, you know what happened next.

she continued saying she remembered once when she was still single, there was a time when men, a lot of men, dated her. it was a bad thing because those men just wanted one thing: to bed her. and so one day, she visited a friend who's a feng shui master and she candidly told her experiences, believing there could be something mystical going on. true enough, the feng shui master asked her if she was using red sheets to which she said yes. she was advised that red sheets gave her a hottie aura and naturally attracted the men with the wrong intentions. furthermore, being single, she was told to put the red sheet on the bottom mattress and put pink over the top mattress to dissipate the "hotness" and bring romance instead.

hmmm i'm not a feng shui fanatic, but the imp within is pushing me to do some laundry...i've red sheets! hahahaha

river

today, i felt so distraught with how one student has been dealing with me. it's been 9 harrowing weeks, only because of him. one time he was suspended, the class he's in, all of a sudden, was totally different. this morning, i had to deal with his objectionable ways again, but this time, i knew i had it with him. i cried when the students were gone, i felt weary and frustrated.

so when i went home, i stopped by starbucks, grabbed a venti cafe americano with hazelnut, coupled it with a slice of lemon loaf and treated myself to a christmas songs cd entitled Santa Baby. it's got elvis presley, frank sinatra, nat king cole, tony bennett, ella fitzgerald, dean martin, diana krall, billie holiday, sarah mclachlan, etc. well, i bought it primarily because it's quite uncommon to find elvis in a compilation cd like this; second, i like the repertoire and the voices. so i parked in front of our house, turned up the volume of the player, and sat there sloshing my drink away. i relaxed my mind while i looked up the dark gray sky, and just enjoyed the music, the coffee, the pastry, and the time that i'm alone. when i was down to my last sip, i called overseas to my daughter, woke her up (she's going to school anyway) and told her how much i miss her, how much i want to hug her, hold her tight. told her i love her very much...heard her sleepy voice...a priceless moment...that mitigated the pain. i felt relieved.

here's the first cut in the cd. i want to share it with whoever. i like it of all the songs in that complation. it's called river.

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It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don’t snow here
It stays pretty green
I’m going to make a lot of money
And then I’m going to quit this crazy scene
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
Teach my feet to fly high
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry
I tried hard to help me
No it wouldn’t be at ease
But it left me so naughty made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But I’m so hard to handle
I’m selfish and I’m sad
Now I gone and lost the best baby that I’ve ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Oh I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly high
Oh I wish I had a river
That I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye
It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
[ these lyrics found on www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

kids say the darnest things

Part 1

one week before i left for the US, my daughter and i went to alabang town center. after getting off the taxi, we went up a flight of stairs to one of the main entrances. before we reached the automatic sliding door, i saw an ex-boyfriend (he's an artista, boy next door image, mind you) coming out of the door together with his sister. "WHAT THE..." i said to myself, and before i can order my legs to walk towards the other direction, (i felt sort of embarassed that he'd see me in this plump state) he went past me, glanced towards my direction (he probably thought it was deja vu...hello??? i'm your ex, honey!) and continued walking. here's the conversation that followed between me and my daughter, after that brief encounter:


joyce: Jace, did you see that tall and cute guy in black shirt who went past us?

jace: yes, you know him?

joyce: yup, he's an ex-boyfriend

jace: ma??? really???

joyce: u-huh! but the relationship was shortlived

jace: (after 5 minutes or so) ma? siguro mas maganda ako kung iba naging tatay ko? ano sa palagay mo?

joyce: haaay...hindi ako mapalagay! (ngek)



Part 2

last april, i spent most of my days sleeping over at my sister's. being a call center agent then, i slept during the day. i found it difficult to sleep at home when my younger cousins were there on vacation. my nephew, though he too was on vacation, would normally be downstairs, blasting away his opponents with his PS2 gadget, so that my sister's bedroom would normally be empty. i slept there most of the time, but one day, the 7-yr old tyke decided to take a nap in his parents' bedroom, beside me.

that day, for some reason, i decided to leave early for work. since i thought my crazy inaanak was still sound asleep, i dressed up in that same bedroom, my back facing him. i had my pants and my bra on, i was about to put on my shirt when i heard a shriek behind me:

"NINANG!!! may boobs ka sa likod!!!" immediately, i pulled down my shirt, sat on the bed, then i heard a follow-up shriek, "Naku!!! nagiging apat pag umupo ka!"

"Lapastangan kang bata ka...TULOG!"

darn those love handles! but as the cliche goes, kids don't lie.

Never, Never, Never

Some things are better said in a song.

I'd like to run away from you,
but if you never found me I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me,
but I know I never will
You stay away and all I do is wonder why the hell I wait for you
But when did common sense prevail
for lovers when we know it never will
Impossible to live with you,
but I know, I could never live without you
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love
with anyone but you

You never treat me like you should,
so what's the good of loving as I do?
Although you always laugh at love,
nothing else would be good enough for you
Impossible to live with you, but I know,
I could never live without you
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love
with anyone but you

You make me laugh, you make me cry,
you make me live, you make me die for you
You make me sing, you make me sad,
you make me glad, you make me mad for you

I love you, hate you, love you, hate you
But I'll want you til the world stops turning
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love
with anyone but you

I love you, hate you,
love you, hate you
But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do
I never, never, never want to be in love
with anyone but you

I love you, hate you, love you, hate you
But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do I never, never,
never want to be in love with anyone but you.

I hope you find contentment in the path you chose. I'm sorry, I can't traipse down that path with you, not anymore, but i'll be around to strengthen your spirit so you'd stay in that direction.